On the Nature of the Truth™, selected fragments (more or less as I think of them

[Anna Mae Bollocks]

That was awesome.  He's getting PAID for that.  He combined the junk-comber shows with the haunt shows.  He gets paid AND he gets to rip off peoples' antiques legally.

You know what they say, though..."The early bird may get the worm, but the SECOND mouse gets the free cheese."

What? This is on TV? 

"The Haunted Collector" or some such shit.  It's the best scam since religion was invented.

It's on SyFy.  When it first came on, I thought it was going to be something akin to "Hoarders" instead of "Antique Road Show."

It seems to work both ways. 

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

An epic haiku, based on a nightmarish image I had of Nigel in her new job, if her new job was in Tucson and done by Arizona rules.

I live in terror
The Law says "Kill the Retards".
Nigel holds the gun

Her shadow engulfs
Her hair is blocking the sun
She thumbs the hammer

I smile stupidly
Nigel simply does not care
I'm too dumb to know

I piss in my pants
Not because I fear Nigel
I'm just retarded

A flash of bright light
She shot me in the kneecap
Just to be a prick

I beg for my life
"Uh muh muh muh uh uh muh"
That's how retards talk

Nigel laughs at me
I'm really bleeding a lot
Why is she so mean?

Nigel aims at my head
But then turns and walks away
Why won't she kill me?

"You'll bleed to death soon"
The girl who shot me chuckles
"Why waste a bullet?"

I deserve this fate
Because I am retarded
The Law is very clear

Things could be much worse
At least I'm not a hipster
That would REALLY suck.

Everything goes black
I wake up in Hell because
God hates retards too.

this is EPIC AWESOME.

[The Good Reverend Roger]

An epic haiku, based on a nightmarish image I had of Nigel in her new job, if her new job was in Tucson and done by Arizona rules.

I live in terror
The Law says "Kill the Retards".
Nigel holds the gun

Her shadow engulfs
Her hair is blocking the sun
She thumbs the hammer

I smile stupidly
Nigel simply does not care
I'm too dumb to know

I piss in my pants
Not because I fear Nigel
I'm just retarded

A flash of bright light
She shot me in the kneecap
Just to be a prick

I beg for my life
"Uh muh muh muh uh uh muh"
That's how retards talk

Nigel laughs at me
I'm really bleeding a lot
Why is she so mean?

Nigel aims at my head
But then turns and walks away
Why won't she kill me?

"You'll bleed to death soon"
The girl who shot me chuckles
"Why waste a bullet?"

I deserve this fate
Because I am retarded
The Law is very clear

Things could be much worse
At least I'm not a hipster
That would REALLY suck.

Everything goes black
I wake up in Hell because
God hates retards too.

this is EPIC AWESOME.

The hard part was stopping.   

[Telarus]

That was awesome.  He's getting PAID for that.  He combined the junk-comber shows with the haunt shows.  He gets paid AND he gets to rip off peoples' antiques legally.

You know what they say, though..."The early bird may get the worm, but the SECOND mouse gets the free cheese."

What? This is on TV? 

"The Haunted Collector" or some such shit.  It's the best scam since religion was invented.

It's on SyFy.  When it first came on, I thought it was going to be something akin to "Hoarders" instead of "Antique Road Show."

I lost any chance at closing the plot arc of Stargate: Universe for this shit!?!?



Those SyFy executives (esp. the woman who canceled Dresden Files, among other things like SG:U) can fuck right off.

[The Good Reverend Roger]

"To get the attention of a large animal, be it an elephant or a bureaucracy, it helps to know what part of it feels pain.  Be very sure, though, that you want its full attention."
- Kelvin Throop

[Anna Mae Bollocks]

"To get the attention of a large animal, be it an elephant or a bureaucracy, it helps to know what part of it feels pain.  Be very sure, though, that you want its full attention."
- Kelvin Throop

Damn. Timely.

[The Good Reverend Roger]

Had some asshole babbling about the "wisdom of the ancients" in my email in-box.

If you really want to know how smart the "ancient ones" were, look at their fucking descendants.  Kid Rock and Pamela Anderson are intellectually, emotionally, spiritually, physically, and evolutionarily miles ahead of those animals, and they're still po'buckers.

This is why I will never respect Pagans until they proclaim me their king.

[CarvedWood]

This is why I will never respect Pagans until they proclaim me their king.

You can be my King, if you want, Roger. 

[The Good Reverend Roger]

This is why I will never respect Pagans until they proclaim me their king.

You can be my King, if you want, Roger.

You really don't want that.

Henry VIII,
Old Skool

[CarvedWood]

This is why I will never respect Pagans until they proclaim me their king.

You can be my King, if you want, Roger.

You really don't want that.

Henry VIII,
Old Skool

Pagan King, sweetie.  Old Skool as in your body will be found one bloody chunk at a time, scattered through a forest. 
But don't focus on that.  Focus instead on how wonderful your life will be for the next few weeks.

[The Good Reverend Roger]

This is why I will never respect Pagans until they proclaim me their king.

You can be my King, if you want, Roger.

You really don't want that.

Henry VIII,
Old Skool

Pagan King, sweetie.  Old Skool as in your body will be found one bloody chunk at a time, scattered through a forest. 
But don't focus on that.  Focus instead on how wonderful your life will be for the next few weeks.

Promises, promises.  I've been telling these bastards to kill me since 2002, and everyone SAYS they will, but nobody ever actually DOES.  It's worse than those religious pricks that run around screaming about the "end times".  43 years of listening to that shit, and I STILL haven't seen any 7-headed beasties¹.  I am beginning to become discouraged.






¹  I am operating under the assumption that things seen on peyote don't count.

[CarvedWood]

This is why I will never respect Pagans until they proclaim me their king.

You can be my King, if you want, Roger.

You really don't want that.

Henry VIII,
Old Skool

Pagan King, sweetie.  Old Skool as in your body will be found one bloody chunk at a time, scattered through a forest. 
But don't focus on that.  Focus instead on how wonderful your life will be for the next few weeks.

Promises, promises.  I've been telling these bastards to kill me since 2002, and everyone SAYS they will, but nobody ever actually DOES.  It's worse than those religious pricks that run around screaming about the "end times".  43 years of listening to that shit, and I STILL haven't seen any 7-headed beasties¹.  I am beginning to become discouraged.






¹  I am operating under the assumption that things seen on peyote don't count.

You SAY you want it, but you don't.  Because otherwise you'd have done it yourself, and framed a Mormon for it.
It counts if the original prediction was made while on peyote.

[The Good Reverend Roger]

You SAY you want it, but you don't.  Because otherwise you'd have done it yourself,

That would be cheap.  Dishonest.  Low.

[President Television]

How do they stand it?  All worried about what other people think about them and all pissed because they're all worried about what they think other people think about them and thinking this whole mess is somehow YOUR fault.

But I know...There is no answer because they CAN'T stand it.  And that's why they ARE the way they are.  They long since got to the point where they stood on their rooftops and shouted "I'M AS MAD AS HELL, AND I'M NOT GONNA TAKE IT ANYMORE!" and NOTHING HAPPENED.  Then they said it AGAIN but EVEN LOUDER and STILL nothing happened.  Even LESS NOTHING happened than last time.

So they took whatever internal regulator there is in people off and the flywheels are spinning and screaming and red hot and emitting a foul-smelling smoke. And they don't have the BALLS to become SERIAL KILLERS so they just get MORE NASTY.

Why do you REALLY think we are supporting a pointless and obviously morally fucked-up war?  Do you fools think it really has anything to do with POLITICS?  Do you think it has anything to do with THE MEDIA?  Do you think it is because of GREED?

If so, WAKE UP PUPPET BOYS!  You've become CYNICAL, but not CYNICAL ENOUGH.  You've become CYNICAL, but not to the point that you LAUGH UNTIL YOUR GUTS BLEED.  You've become CYNICAL, but not cynical enough to believe that a whole nation of overfed, overindulged fatass fabulously wealthy white people can support the organized destruction of a nation of brown people NOT because they believe in it, NOT because they're STUPID, NOT because they've been duped by some well-organized CABAL, but simply and for no other reason than that they are NASTY and ILL-TEMPERED.

We WANT to kill thousands, or tens of thousands of NASTY SMUDGY PEOPLE not because we have ANY reason whatsoever for it but because we are MAD at our husbands, wives, children, brothers and sisters because they changed the TV CHANNEL while we were WATCHING SOMETHING, and we haven't got the BALLS to stand up for ourselves so we TAKE IT OUT ON SOMEBODY ELSE.

There IS no other reason, and that's why you can talk politics until you're blue in the TITS but you will NEVER find a political reason which explains it SANELY.

We go to war because we are NASTY CHICKENSHITS who DON'T KNOW HOW TO DEAL WITH THE PETTY-ASS FRUSTRATIONS which constitute our LIVES.

No this is not the CLEAN FLAME THROWER WHITE HATE of a MUTANT DISCORDIAN I'm talking about here.  Just LOOK at them.  LOOK at the nasty bitter pinched evil faces around you, Brothers & Sisters. They aren't even capable of getting PISSED OFF correctly.  They DISLIKE their own ODOR.

You know who you are.  You know if you are one of them.  You know if you have been there chewing on your own teeth hating everybody while HOPING DESPERATELY that they LIKE you.  And you know, if a little part inside of you responds to that description, that it is CUNTS LIKE YOU that allow all the -real- evil in the world to go on.

Fuck you all and the armadillos you rode in on.

Permission to repost with attribution?

[The Good Reverend Roger]

How do they stand it?  All worried about what other people think about them and all pissed because they're all worried about what they think other people think about them and thinking this whole mess is somehow YOUR fault.

But I know...There is no answer because they CAN'T stand it.  And that's why they ARE the way they are.  They long since got to the point where they stood on their rooftops and shouted "I'M AS MAD AS HELL, AND I'M NOT GONNA TAKE IT ANYMORE!" and NOTHING HAPPENED.  Then they said it AGAIN but EVEN LOUDER and STILL nothing happened.  Even LESS NOTHING happened than last time.

So they took whatever internal regulator there is in people off and the flywheels are spinning and screaming and red hot and emitting a foul-smelling smoke. And they don't have the BALLS to become SERIAL KILLERS so they just get MORE NASTY.

Why do you REALLY think we are supporting a pointless and obviously morally fucked-up war?  Do you fools think it really has anything to do with POLITICS?  Do you think it has anything to do with THE MEDIA?  Do you think it is because of GREED?

If so, WAKE UP PUPPET BOYS!  You've become CYNICAL, but not CYNICAL ENOUGH.  You've become CYNICAL, but not to the point that you LAUGH UNTIL YOUR GUTS BLEED.  You've become CYNICAL, but not cynical enough to believe that a whole nation of overfed, overindulged fatass fabulously wealthy white people can support the organized destruction of a nation of brown people NOT because they believe in it, NOT because they're STUPID, NOT because they've been duped by some well-organized CABAL, but simply and for no other reason than that they are NASTY and ILL-TEMPERED.

We WANT to kill thousands, or tens of thousands of NASTY SMUDGY PEOPLE not because we have ANY reason whatsoever for it but because we are MAD at our husbands, wives, children, brothers and sisters because they changed the TV CHANNEL while we were WATCHING SOMETHING, and we haven't got the BALLS to stand up for ourselves so we TAKE IT OUT ON SOMEBODY ELSE.

There IS no other reason, and that's why you can talk politics until you're blue in the TITS but you will NEVER find a political reason which explains it SANELY.

We go to war because we are NASTY CHICKENSHITS who DON'T KNOW HOW TO DEAL WITH THE PETTY-ASS FRUSTRATIONS which constitute our LIVES.

No this is not the CLEAN FLAME THROWER WHITE HATE of a MUTANT DISCORDIAN I'm talking about here.  Just LOOK at them.  LOOK at the nasty bitter pinched evil faces around you, Brothers & Sisters. They aren't even capable of getting PISSED OFF correctly.  They DISLIKE their own ODOR.

You know who you are.  You know if you are one of them.  You know if you have been there chewing on your own teeth hating everybody while HOPING DESPERATELY that they LIKE you.  And you know, if a little part inside of you responds to that description, that it is CUNTS LIKE YOU that allow all the -real- evil in the world to go on.

Fuck you all and the armadillos you rode in on.

Permission to repost with attribution?

Sure.