On the Nature of the Truth™, selected fragments (more or less as I think of them

Started by The Good Reverend Roger, June 06, 2012, 07:08:55 PM

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The Good Reverend Roger

#15
June 14, 2012, 02:17:47 PM
Advice for young people:

Just wave a banana, point at your crotch and hoot.  If it works at the zoo, it'll work at a rave.
" It's just that Depeche Mode were a bunch of optimistic loveburgers."
- TGRR, shaming himself forever, 7/8/2017

"Billy, when I say that ethics is our number one priority and safety is also our number one priority, you should take that to mean exactly what I said. Also quality. That's our number one priority as well. Don't look at me that way, you're in the corporate world now and this is how it works."
- TGRR, raising the bar at work.

The Good Reverend Roger

#16
June 15, 2012, 07:25:50 PM
A traffic sign that I personally love is the uneven pavement sign, with the stick figure in the car on an angle.  That just KILLS me.  It used to be better though, they used to have his whole family in the car with him.  I figure they either fell out on a sharp turn or he pushed them out to avoid the high costs of divorce/alimony/child support.
" It's just that Depeche Mode were a bunch of optimistic loveburgers."
- TGRR, shaming himself forever, 7/8/2017

"Billy, when I say that ethics is our number one priority and safety is also our number one priority, you should take that to mean exactly what I said. Also quality. That's our number one priority as well. Don't look at me that way, you're in the corporate world now and this is how it works."
- TGRR, raising the bar at work.

The Good Reverend Roger

#17
June 15, 2012, 07:27:59 PM
There used to be this building back in Chicago, with a Marine recruiting office above one of those "payday loans" places.

From the side, they have their signs right over each other, so it was:

"The MARINES"
"New! Extended hours!"

Which I think is a nice idea if you are needing to invade a third world country after regular business hours.

" It's just that Depeche Mode were a bunch of optimistic loveburgers."
- TGRR, shaming himself forever, 7/8/2017

"Billy, when I say that ethics is our number one priority and safety is also our number one priority, you should take that to mean exactly what I said. Also quality. That's our number one priority as well. Don't look at me that way, you're in the corporate world now and this is how it works."
- TGRR, raising the bar at work.

The Good Reverend Roger

#18
June 15, 2012, 07:34:31 PM
10 signs of a possible haunting:

1) Turds left in the toilet mysteriously disappear.
2) The only top-40 stations you can pick up on the radio are owned by Clear Channel.  They suck.
3) City water tastes funnier than usual.
4) Cereal boxes are strangely found to be only half-full WHILE STILL SEALED!
5) Leftovers in the fridge spoil after only a few months.
6) Light bulbs burn out days faster than normal.
7) The sink seems to always have dirty dishes in it.
8) The postman stares at you funny. A lot of postmen have ESP and shit and can tell you're haunted.
9) The kitchen floor gets sticky stuff on it that lasts all day, no matter how many times you step in it.
10) Your hemorrhoids start acting up in the morning.

" It's just that Depeche Mode were a bunch of optimistic loveburgers."
- TGRR, shaming himself forever, 7/8/2017

"Billy, when I say that ethics is our number one priority and safety is also our number one priority, you should take that to mean exactly what I said. Also quality. That's our number one priority as well. Don't look at me that way, you're in the corporate world now and this is how it works."
- TGRR, raising the bar at work.

Freeky

#19
June 15, 2012, 07:37:26 PM
 :lulz:

You forgot the one where some dude who collects haunted things comes to your house and points out a very old and valuable family heirloom and says "That's haunted.  I can take it off your hands for you.  No charge."

The Good Reverend Roger

#20
June 15, 2012, 07:39:16 PM
That was awesome.  He's getting PAID for that.  He combined the junk-comber shows with the haunt shows.  He gets paid AND he gets to rip off peoples' antiques legally.

You know what they say, though..."The early bird may get the worm, but the SECOND mouse gets the free cheese."
" It's just that Depeche Mode were a bunch of optimistic loveburgers."
- TGRR, shaming himself forever, 7/8/2017

"Billy, when I say that ethics is our number one priority and safety is also our number one priority, you should take that to mean exactly what I said. Also quality. That's our number one priority as well. Don't look at me that way, you're in the corporate world now and this is how it works."
- TGRR, raising the bar at work.

Freeky

#21
June 15, 2012, 07:41:46 PM
It's just one more metaphor for living in 21st century AmericaTM.

The Good Reverend Roger

#22
June 15, 2012, 07:42:14 PM
Evil is a dunghill.  Everybody climbs up on theirs to speak out against somebody else's.
" It's just that Depeche Mode were a bunch of optimistic loveburgers."
- TGRR, shaming himself forever, 7/8/2017

"Billy, when I say that ethics is our number one priority and safety is also our number one priority, you should take that to mean exactly what I said. Also quality. That's our number one priority as well. Don't look at me that way, you're in the corporate world now and this is how it works."
- TGRR, raising the bar at work.

Freeky

#23
June 15, 2012, 07:43:19 PM
Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger on June 15, 2012, 07:42:14 PM
Evil is a dunghill.  Everybody climbs up on theirs to speak out against somebody else's.

Yes.

The Good Reverend Roger

#24
June 15, 2012, 07:49:55 PM
As unpleasant as you may find it, remember that nuclear winter is eminently preferable to the brief yet intense nuclear summer that precedes it.
" It's just that Depeche Mode were a bunch of optimistic loveburgers."
- TGRR, shaming himself forever, 7/8/2017

"Billy, when I say that ethics is our number one priority and safety is also our number one priority, you should take that to mean exactly what I said. Also quality. That's our number one priority as well. Don't look at me that way, you're in the corporate world now and this is how it works."
- TGRR, raising the bar at work.

Anna Mae Bollocks

#25
June 15, 2012, 08:15:17 PM
Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger on June 15, 2012, 07:39:16 PM
That was awesome.  He's getting PAID for that.  He combined the junk-comber shows with the haunt shows.  He gets paid AND he gets to rip off peoples' antiques legally.

You know what they say, though..."The early bird may get the worm, but the SECOND mouse gets the free cheese."

What? This is on TV?  :lulz: :lulz: :lulz:
Scantily-Clad Inspector of Gigantic and Unnecessary Cashews, Texas Division

The Good Reverend Roger

#26
June 15, 2012, 08:17:11 PM
Quote from: TEXAS FAIRIES FOR ALL YOU SPAGS on June 15, 2012, 08:15:17 PM
Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger on June 15, 2012, 07:39:16 PM
That was awesome.  He's getting PAID for that.  He combined the junk-comber shows with the haunt shows.  He gets paid AND he gets to rip off peoples' antiques legally.

You know what they say, though..."The early bird may get the worm, but the SECOND mouse gets the free cheese."

What? This is on TV?  :lulz: :lulz: :lulz:

"The Haunted Collector" or some such shit.  It's the best scam since religion was invented.
" It's just that Depeche Mode were a bunch of optimistic loveburgers."
- TGRR, shaming himself forever, 7/8/2017

"Billy, when I say that ethics is our number one priority and safety is also our number one priority, you should take that to mean exactly what I said. Also quality. That's our number one priority as well. Don't look at me that way, you're in the corporate world now and this is how it works."
- TGRR, raising the bar at work.

The Good Reverend Roger

#27
June 15, 2012, 08:28:11 PM
An epic haiku, based on a nightmarish image I had of Nigel in her new job, if her new job was in Tucson and done by Arizona rules.

I live in terror
The Law says "Kill the Retards".
Nigel holds the gun

Her shadow engulfs
Her hair is blocking the sun
She thumbs the hammer

I smile stupidly
Nigel simply does not care
I'm too dumb to know

I piss in my pants
Not because I fear Nigel
I'm just retarded

A flash of bright light
She shot me in the kneecap
Just to be a prick

I beg for my life
"Uh muh muh muh uh uh muh"
That's how retards talk

Nigel laughs at me
I'm really bleeding a lot
Why is she so mean?

Nigel aims at my head
But then turns and walks away
Why won't she kill me?

"You'll bleed to death soon"
The girl who shot me chuckles
"Why waste a bullet?"

I deserve this fate
Because I am retarded
The Law is very clear

Things could be much worse
At least I'm not a hipster
That would REALLY suck.

Everything goes black
I wake up in Hell because
God hates retards too.

" It's just that Depeche Mode were a bunch of optimistic loveburgers."
- TGRR, shaming himself forever, 7/8/2017

"Billy, when I say that ethics is our number one priority and safety is also our number one priority, you should take that to mean exactly what I said. Also quality. That's our number one priority as well. Don't look at me that way, you're in the corporate world now and this is how it works."
- TGRR, raising the bar at work.

Anna Mae Bollocks

#28
June 15, 2012, 08:31:07 PM
Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger on June 15, 2012, 08:28:11 PM
An epic haiku, based on a nightmarish image I had of Nigel in her new job, if her new job was in Tucson and done by Arizona rules.

I live in terror
The Law says "Kill the Retards".
Nigel holds the gun

Her shadow engulfs
Her hair is blocking the sun
She thumbs the hammer

I smile stupidly
Nigel simply does not care
I'm too dumb to know

I piss in my pants
Not because I fear Nigel
I'm just retarded

A flash of bright light
She shot me in the kneecap
Just to be a prick

I beg for my life
"Uh muh muh muh uh uh muh"
That's how retards talk

Nigel laughs at me
I'm really bleeding a lot
Why is she so mean?

Nigel aims at my head
But then turns and walks away
Why won't she kill me?

"You'll bleed to death soon"
The girl who shot me chuckles
"Why waste a bullet?"

I deserve this fate
Because I am retarded
The Law is very clear

Things could be much worse
At least I'm not a hipster
That would REALLY suck.

Everything goes black
I wake up in Hell because
God hates retards too.

Your Horror Fu is strong today, TGRR.  :horrormirth: :horrormirth: :horrormirth:
Scantily-Clad Inspector of Gigantic and Unnecessary Cashews, Texas Division

Freeky

#29
June 16, 2012, 04:57:25 AM
Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger on June 15, 2012, 08:17:11 PM
Quote from: TEXAS FAIRIES FOR ALL YOU SPAGS on June 15, 2012, 08:15:17 PM
Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger on June 15, 2012, 07:39:16 PM
That was awesome.  He's getting PAID for that.  He combined the junk-comber shows with the haunt shows.  He gets paid AND he gets to rip off peoples' antiques legally.

You know what they say, though..."The early bird may get the worm, but the SECOND mouse gets the free cheese."

What? This is on TV?  :lulz: :lulz: :lulz:

"The Haunted Collector" or some such shit.  It's the best scam since religion was invented.

It's on SyFy.  When it first came on, I thought it was going to be something akin to "Hoarders" instead of "Antique Road Show."
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