How to BE a fat bastard

[Anna Mae Bollocks]

I hate to rain on y'alls' parades, but done properly, deep-frying is a reasonably healthy way to prepare your food.

Of course, the food being deep-fried can, itself, be horribly unhealthy, and most people don't have the first clue how to deep-fry things correctly, but still.

You mean "hot, fast, in a decent oil and well drained"? Like fish?

[East Coast Hustle]

Fish, chicken, veggies, etc. The key is to have CLEAN oil, know the correct temperature for what you're frying (fish, potatoes, and chicken all have different ideal temps), and DO FUCKING NOT put anything in the oil until it has reached that target temp. And then drain it properly, on paper-covered racks.

Needless to say, hardly anybody does all of that.

[East Coast Hustle]

So yeah, basically what you already said.

[Anna Mae Bollocks]

You explained it better. 

You're right about the different temperatures. Chicken seems to need a good hot scald first to keep the crust from coming off, but after that I always had to turn it down some.

[East Coast Hustle]

Chicken wants 375, fish wants 340, and potatoes are a little more flexible but should generally be around 350. It's important to cut everything to sizes/thicknesses that will ensure they're fully cooked at their target temp before the batter/breading burns (or the outside surface in the case of potatoes).

[Anna Mae Bollocks]

Chicken hotter than fish? So best to avoid bone-in cut-up fryers and just cut everything small?

The way I learned (NOT saying this is right, bear with me) is this, it's pretty SOP in the south:

We never used thermometers or anything. For fish, get the oil so hot it's almost ready to smoke. The person who showed me held a kitchen match over the oil and it lit by itself from the heat. Put the pieces in one by one. When they float up, they're ready. It doesn't take much time so have everything set up before you start frying. This always works great.

For chicken (a cut-up fryer, not strips) get the oil almost as hot as for fish but not quite. Put the pieces in the same way and get a good scald on them, then turn the heat down and put a lid on it. If you cook it too fast it'll be bloody in the middle. Those deep cast iron pans are best for chicken, BTW. The downside is that it tends to be GREASY AS FUCK.

I learned my frying from old people and all of them were kind of pro-grease.   I've actually been yelled at for poking fork holes in boiling sausage to let some of the grease out. 

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

Texas: If the death penalty doesn't kill you, the chickenfried steak smothered in white gravy with sausage chunks in it and a side of hash browns or french fries (also generally smothered in gravy but I couldn't find a pic) will!

I fucking love chickenfried steak! LOVE IT.

[Elder Iptuous]

texas state fair had deep fried butter a couple years ago here.
just....
butter.
deep-fried.

ETA: oh. and we had deep fried beer.  some guy figured out how to do it.

[Anna Mae Bollocks]

texas state fair had deep fried butter a couple years ago here.
just....
butter.
deep-fried.

ETA: oh. and we had deep fried beer.  some guy figured out how to do it.

I knew somebody would figure that out sooner or later. 

And yes, Nigel. Chickenfried steak is fucking AMBROSIA.
But lethal. Not so much the steak itself but the pile of fries and cup of white gravy that's almost mandated with it.

[Elder Iptuous]

the steak itself is really just a medium for the gravy.
and it adds a bit of texture.
but it's the gravy that's the key.
god, i love that shit.

[Anna Mae Bollocks]

And the crust. Crust should be a thickish wrinkley mass of OMFGYES.

[East Coast Hustle]

Chicken hotter than fish? So best to avoid bone-in cut-up fryers and just cut everything small?

The way I learned (NOT saying this is right, bear with me) is this, it's pretty SOP in the south:

We never used thermometers or anything. For fish, get the oil so hot it's almost ready to smoke. The person who showed me held a kitchen match over the oil and it lit by itself from the heat. Put the pieces in one by one. When they float up, they're ready. It doesn't take much time so have everything set up before you start frying. This always works great.

For chicken (a cut-up fryer, not strips) get the oil almost as hot as for fish but not quite. Put the pieces in the same way and get a good scald on them, then turn the heat down and put a lid on it. If you cook it too fast it'll be bloody in the middle. Those deep cast iron pans are best for chicken, BTW. The downside is that it tends to be GREASY AS FUCK.

I learned my frying from old people and all of them were kind of pro-grease.   I've actually been yelled at for poking fork holes in boiling sausage to let some of the grease out. 

TBH, when I do bone-in fryers I par-cook the chicken before I bread it and fry it. I'm sure it's sacrilege, but it turns out really good and it really cuts down on worrying about your time-to-temp ratio. My preferred method is to brine the chicken for a day then roast it in a foil-covered pan until it's about 2/3 done. The brining and foil-covering keeps it moist and then all you have to do is batter it and let it sit in the fryer until the batter is crispy and you're all good.

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

I want all of this in my face RIGHT NOW.

[Anna Mae Bollocks]

Chicken hotter than fish? So best to avoid bone-in cut-up fryers and just cut everything small?

The way I learned (NOT saying this is right, bear with me) is this, it's pretty SOP in the south:

We never used thermometers or anything. For fish, get the oil so hot it's almost ready to smoke. The person who showed me held a kitchen match over the oil and it lit by itself from the heat. Put the pieces in one by one. When they float up, they're ready. It doesn't take much time so have everything set up before you start frying. This always works great.

For chicken (a cut-up fryer, not strips) get the oil almost as hot as for fish but not quite. Put the pieces in the same way and get a good scald on them, then turn the heat down and put a lid on it. If you cook it too fast it'll be bloody in the middle. Those deep cast iron pans are best for chicken, BTW. The downside is that it tends to be GREASY AS FUCK.

I learned my frying from old people and all of them were kind of pro-grease.   I've actually been yelled at for poking fork holes in boiling sausage to let some of the grease out. 

TBH, when I do bone-in fryers I par-cook the chicken before I bread it and fry it. I'm sure it's sacrilege, but it turns out really good and it really cuts down on worrying about your time-to-temp ratio. My preferred method is to brine the chicken for a day then roast it in a foil-covered pan until it's about 2/3 done. The brining and foil-covering keeps it moist and then all you have to do is batter it and let it sit in the fryer until the batter is crispy and you're all good.

That sounds excellent.
We used to brine rabbits and they were always awesome. It was to get the funkiness out, people usually added some vinegar too. But now that I think about it, I never had a dry piece of rabbit and they really don't have fat on them.

[ñͤͣ̄ͦ̌̑͗͊͛͂͗ ̸̨̨̣̺̼̣̜͙͈͕̮̊̈́̈͂͛̽͊ͭ̓͆ͅé ̰̓̓́ͯ́́͞]

ECH, you're dodging the question, what do I need to eat to be a fat bastard?

I'm 6'1" and barely 138 pounds.