Dear PD

[The Good Reverend Roger]

I don't know if I can shout any louder.  The geeks have broken me, and they won't SHUT UP.  Everyone's in everybody else's business, and the fact that Those People will always be with us - no matter how many condoms are sold - leads me to believe that the situation is hopeless.

I can't stop laughing, of course.  It's not a pleasant laugh.  It's the sort of laugh you hear when you wake up tied to a chair with a bag over your head, and someone is pouring lighter fluid all over your lap.  But still I laugh.  It's beginning to freak my co-workers out.

What I need is sleep.  Not just a night's sleep, but maybe one of those cryogenic chambers.  You know the kind...Where they're just testing it out, and you somehow get lost in the shuffle.  With any luck at all, when the fucking thing finally lets me out, all the humans will be dead, and I can get on with a NORMAL LIFE.

But nobody's invented that shit yet, so here I am. 

You know, I never meant to be as obnoxious as I am.  It didn't start out that way...When all of this began, I wanted to HELP people.  Kind of.  But humans won't allow themselves to help and in fact crucify or shoot those who try, out of sheer monkey cussedness...And the fact that some SMARTASS told them that SOMETHING might be WRONG with their perfect little Leave it to Beaver Stepford Wives Reality Teevee Oh Hot DAMN is Snooky preggers pathetic little 12-stepping lives.

Oh, how I loathe them.

They say that cockroaches will be all that's left after The Big Oops, and that kind of embarrasses me.  I mean, it's like moving into a rental property, and finding horrible shit left behind by the prior tenants (like that weird bedpost shrine to Mary I found on Cleveland St in Illinois).  What are the cockroaches going to think of us?

Hang on, pills here (nom nom nom).  There.  Things will make more sense in a half hour. 

Anyway, call me immediately.  We must all do something grotesque before we die.  We must shove the equivalent of a black velvet Elvis covered in turds through Their mail slots, just to let the fuckers know that we're not scared of their crap. 

DID ARCHDUKE FERDINAND EVER HAVE DAYS LIKE THIS?

Did Richter's great-great-grand daddy, old Baron von Richtenhoffen, ever wonder about the WHY when he flew his Fokker triple-decker over the battlefield, looking for Spads to shoot down?  Did Napoleon every put any THOUGHT into WHY he wanted to rule Europe?  Did General Washington not KNOW what was coming, or did he do it to us ON PURPOSE?

It's gotten to the point where just turning off the teevee and throwing over the back cliff just doesn't cut it.  There's STILL too much bad signal.  People say ONE thing, and mean ANOTHER.  One guy says "listen to this fascinating data/my wealth of experience", but what he REALLY means is, "Pay attention to meeeeeeeeeeeee!".  Another guy says, "The president is out of touch with reality", and really says "Excuse me, I'm having a car elevator installed in my house." 

You can't get away from the shit.  It's everywhere.  Every billboard, every commericial break, every pop-up ad, every other time one human (or, fuck, an animation) interacts with another.  This shit makes NO SENSE, but I am under a shit-rain of it, and something must be done.  The Generalissimo may be dead, but that's no reason we can't FAIL GLORIOUSLY.

Up The Revolution, you yammering meatsacks, OR KILL ME,
TGRR

[Nephew Twiddleton]

It is everywhere. One day you're riding the T to work and you snap out of your haze for a moment.

You know the haze. The same indifferent haze that everyone is in. The one where your thoughts are fairly meaningless and just kinda bouncing around inside your head.

Well you look up, and you notice the kinds of advertising that they have.

Unlimited Data plan. Bud light. Tide with bleach (no shit). Islam.

What? Islam? God has to advertise on mass transit now? Fuck. Christian Fellowship Church. What the fuck is this shit? Then you can't unsee them. You get on another train, and fuck me, there's that Unlimited Data plan thing again, except now it's every single advertisement on that car.

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

Nominating this for the FRONT PAGE!

Also, saving to read again after school, because it's so nice I want to read it twice.

[The Good Reverend Roger]

It is everywhere. One day you're riding the T to work and you snap out of your haze for a moment.

You know the haze. The same indifferent haze that everyone is in. The one where your thoughts are fairly meaningless and just kinda bouncing around inside your head.

Well you look up, and you notice the kinds of advertising that they have.

Unlimited Data plan. Bud light. Tide with bleach (no shit). Islam.

What? Islam? God has to advertise on mass transit now? Fuck. Christian Fellowship Church. What the fuck is this shit? Then you can't unsee them. You get on another train, and fuck me, there's that Unlimited Data plan thing again, except now it's every single advertisement on that car.

UNLIMITED DATA is the PROBLEM.  While we in The Church say that "too much is always better than not enough, it's still TOO MUCH.  There's too much data, too much sensory overload, too many stressors on a primate sub-species that was only designed to handle 7 things at once, MAXIMUM.

You might have noticed that the people around you are a little...off, right?  That's because they're either fucked up on PILLS HERE or they're drowning in an ocean of bad signal.  We don't need UNLIMITED DATA, we need LIMITED DATA.  Or just a little rest, you know, just a chance to step off the fucking treadmill for maybe 10 seconds, just to catch our collective breath.

But that's NOT GONNA HAPPEN.  Hell, the bastards have "Labor Day Sales", which means the families of rich & middle class creatures get to stress themselves out shopping, while the peons FOR WHOM THE DAY WAS DESIGNED get to work like fucking crazy.  We can't have ANYTHING nice, because the fucking STEPFORD WIVES want a SALE.  Get back on it, peasant!  NO REST FOR THE WEARY!  MOVE MOVE MOVE MOVE!

Until ya puke and die, giving all for God & your corporation.

Or Kill Me.

[Salty]

Yeah. This is good.

However:

UNLIMITED DATA is the PROBLEM.

Talk about your bad signal. What's wrong with you, Roger? Have you ever even tried UNLIMITED DATA? I kind of doubt it. Oh it's so very, very nice. And relaxing. You don't have to worry about...well, let's just say there isn't very much you have to worry about. Don't even think about it.

Is your rent paid? (Surely you have family, something you can fall back on)
Do you have digestible food in your pantry? (If not, try a McDonald's Value Menu)
Are your children alive? (Complete strangers or no)

Then what's the problem? Oh, it washes over you like a cool bath. The freedom of UNLIMITED DATA can't really be compared. Or described. It's one of those things you just have to try. Just try it. Try it.

Just try it, Roger. You'll like it. You'll see.

[The Good Reverend Roger]

Yeah. This is good.

However:

UNLIMITED DATA is the PROBLEM.

Talk about your bad signal. What's wrong with you, Roger? Have you ever even tried UNLIMITED DATA? I kind of doubt it. Oh it's so very, very nice. And relaxing. You don't have to worry about...well, let's just say there isn't very much you have to worry about. Don't even think about it.

Is your rent paid? (Surely you have family, something you can fall back on)
Do you have digestible food in your pantry? (If not, try a McDonald's Value Menu)
Are your children alive? (Complete strangers or no)

Then what's the problem? Oh, it washes over you like a cool bath. The freedom of UNLIMITED DATA can't really be compared. Or described. It's one of those things you just have to try. Just try it. Try it.

Just try it, Roger. You'll like it. You'll see.

I try UNLIMITED DATA EVERY FUCKING DAY. 

They called me mad, Alty.  Well, I'll show them.  I'll show them all!  They want to drive us insane?  Well, fuck it...I'M ON THE BUS.  Sanity sure as hell hasn't solved anything.  Being reasonable gets you a mocking 5 second sound bite, if that.  No, the only answer is insanity.  Time to tear off the faces they've stapled onto our skulls and EXPLAIN OUR POSITION TO ALL THE RIGHT PEOPLE.

[Anna Mae Bollocks]

Quiet despair or retardation: you have a CHOICE.
Go, Amurka! WE'RE NUMBER ONE!

[The Good Reverend Roger]

Quiet despair or retardation: you have a CHOICE.
Go, Amurka! WE'RE NUMBER ONE!

False dichotomy.  You also have the option of LOSING YOUR SHIT ON RETARDS.

Write that down.  Take a note.  When appropriate circumstances arise, read the note, so you remember what it is that I had to say, and then chew on their fucking heads until they behave.

[Anna Mae Bollocks]

Quiet despair or retardation: you have a CHOICE.
Go, Amurka! WE'RE NUMBER ONE!

False dichotomy.  You also have the option of LOSING YOUR SHIT ON RETARDS.

Write that down.  Take a note.  When appropriate circumstances arise, read the note, so you remember what it is that I had to say, and then chew on their fucking heads until they behave.

Duly noted.
Thanks, Rev! 

[The Good Reverend Roger]

Quiet despair or retardation: you have a CHOICE.
Go, Amurka! WE'RE NUMBER ONE!

False dichotomy.  You also have the option of LOSING YOUR SHIT ON RETARDS.

Write that down.  Take a note.  When appropriate circumstances arise, read the note, so you remember what it is that I had to say, and then chew on their fucking heads until they behave.

Duly noted.
Thanks, Rev! 

I don't feel that I need to mention that you live in what we professionals call a "target-rich environment".

[The Good Reverend Roger]

[tyrannosaurus vex]

FACEBOOKED! It'll do a lot of good there. Just you watch.

[The Good Reverend Roger]

If people Like it, it could change everything.

[Anna Mae Bollocks]

If they Share it enough, we could buy the world a Coke^TM and keep it company.

And yes. Target-rich environment. The Motherlode. 

[tyrannosaurus vex]

If people Like it, it could change everything.

It was already Liked by two people who I never agree with politically. Which makes me wonder, if there really was a chance for a revolt and we tore down the entire fucking thing, and "keeping America the way it has been for 200 years" is obviously and completely eliminated as an option, isn't there a chance that some of the die-hard "conservatives" and "liberals" would be forced to WORK TOGETHER to create something more sensible?