The Further Crimes of Dark Empress Nigel, part 1

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

Dark Empress Nigel's forays in the forest, and the effects they have on the world at large, is proof positive of global warming AND divine creation.

Once we all lived in the forest, and nobody lived anywhere else.  We were forced to flee our homes, though, when Dark Empress Nigel decided that we were fucking up her feng shui.  Those of us that were quick, that could run, that had stamina, made it to the mountains, where we are - at least for the moment - safe.  The slow, the elderly, the complacent?  All eaten by her feral hipsters.  I can still hear their screaming, when I'm up late at night.  It sounds like coyotes, only coyotes don't add "DON'T LEAVE ME HERE ALIVE" to their yipping and screeching.

Some fools still dream of one day returning to the forest, to live as we were meant to live.  What they don't realize is that the forest has been turned all twisty and sideways by the influence of the Dark Empress, and if they go back, the shamblers will get them.

No, it is safer to stay up in the mountains, and tend our shrines to Bob Seger.  He keeps us safe...Or safer, at any rate.  At least until the lowlanders run out...But hopefully, I'll be dead by then, and my ungrateful spawn can face the hideous end that awaits them.  Ye shall know when the end is near, when you hear a sweet voice singing "The Ace of Spades" by Motorhead, as she strides up the slopes.

Amen.

And then mine eyes did see the Dark Empress striding up the side of the mountain, the hell breezes blasting fiery about her face and hands, and my pance did become full.  And the Dark Empress did grin and expose her teeth of sharks, and did motion with her hands as if playing an infernal instrument of death, and did say "der nanernanernanerna ^DERNANER_NANER der nanernanernanerna ^DERNANER_NANER"

I don't understand why I can't seem to keep a boyfriend.

[Doktor Howl]

I don't understand why I can't seem to keep a boyfriend.

Because you keep eating them.

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

I don't understand why I can't seem to keep a boyfriend.

Because you keep eating them.

Well, they shouldn't be so delicious, if they don't want to be eaten.

[Juana]

The voracious appetites of the Dark Empress know no distinction between "man" and what we call "food". They, when tasty, are one and the same to Her.

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

They aren't the same thing? 

[Freeky]

They aren't the same thing? 

Depends on your tastes, I guess.

[Don Coyote]

The other troops ask me why I have the shakes when we are out in the field late at night. They all know I never say any action downrange, never got blown up. There is no record of why. No reasons for the horrible screams that come from my tent at night. Screams that no human can make. It happened out in the field. I stopped to take a leak behind the tree line. I told my squad to go on ahead; that I would catch up. That it when I saw it. I nearly lost it then, but I really lost it when I saw Her, the Dark Empress, exacting the toll for being in Her forest, for all are Hers, even this far north of Portland. They found me at dawn, still puking. They blamed PTSD, even though there was no reason for it.

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

 

[Doktor Howl]

Dark Empress Nigel's forays in the forest, and the effects they have on the world at large, is proof positive of global warming AND divine creation.

Once we all lived in the forest, and nobody lived anywhere else.  We were forced to flee our homes, though, when Dark Empress Nigel decided that we were fucking up her feng shui.  Those of us that were quick, that could run, that had stamina, made it to the mountains, where we are - at least for the moment - safe.  The slow, the elderly, the complacent?  All eaten by her feral hipsters.  I can still hear their screaming, when I'm up late at night.  It sounds like coyotes, only coyotes don't add "DON'T LEAVE ME HERE ALIVE" to their yipping and screeching.

Some fools still dream of one day returning to the forest, to live as we were meant to live.  What they don't realize is that the forest has been turned all twisty and sideways by the influence of the Dark Empress, and if they go back, the shamblers will get them.

No, it is safer to stay up in the mountains, and tend our shrines to Bob Seger.  He keeps us safe...Or safer, at any rate.  At least until the lowlanders run out...But hopefully, I'll be dead by then, and my ungrateful spawn can face the hideous end that awaits them.  Ye shall know when the end is near, when you hear a sweet voice singing "The Ace of Spades" by Motorhead, as she strides up the slopes.

Amen.

And then mine eyes did see the Dark Empress striding up the side of the mountain, the hell breezes blasting fiery about her face and hands, and my pance did become full.  And the Dark Empress did grin and expose her teeth of sharks, and did motion with her hands as if playing an infernal instrument of death, and did say "der nanernanernanerna ^DERnaner_NANER der nanernanernanerna ^DERnaner_NANER"

This is why all of our houses, etc, are painted beige and white.  The color of airports.  The color of "here to go", just passing through.

We know we'll have to run, again, and so we prepare ourselves psychologically by embracing supermodernism.  There is no permanent home.  There is only a stop to rest for a minute or a century, and then it's time to run, run like buffalo being herded over a cliff.

And when the aliens finally come to study us, they will find two kinds of human remains...The ones that have been gnawed on, and the ones in big piles at the bottom of cliffs and strip mines.  And they will wonder two things:  First, what happened to these people, and second, did you just hear a noise by the aft hatch?

Eventually, they will stop sending rescue missions, and their database entries will say:

EARTH IS A DEAD WORLD

They won't even have myths about us.  They'll just try to forget that they ever picked up our TV broadcasts, and they will not sleep well at night.

Going to do something with this, I think.

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

Dark Empress Nigel's forays in the forest, and the effects they have on the world at large, is proof positive of global warming AND divine creation.

Once we all lived in the forest, and nobody lived anywhere else.  We were forced to flee our homes, though, when Dark Empress Nigel decided that we were fucking up her feng shui.  Those of us that were quick, that could run, that had stamina, made it to the mountains, where we are - at least for the moment - safe.  The slow, the elderly, the complacent?  All eaten by her feral hipsters.  I can still hear their screaming, when I'm up late at night.  It sounds like coyotes, only coyotes don't add "DON'T LEAVE ME HERE ALIVE" to their yipping and screeching.

Some fools still dream of one day returning to the forest, to live as we were meant to live.  What they don't realize is that the forest has been turned all twisty and sideways by the influence of the Dark Empress, and if they go back, the shamblers will get them.

No, it is safer to stay up in the mountains, and tend our shrines to Bob Seger.  He keeps us safe...Or safer, at any rate.  At least until the lowlanders run out...But hopefully, I'll be dead by then, and my ungrateful spawn can face the hideous end that awaits them.  Ye shall know when the end is near, when you hear a sweet voice singing "The Ace of Spades" by Motorhead, as she strides up the slopes.

Amen.

And then mine eyes did see the Dark Empress striding up the side of the mountain, the hell breezes blasting fiery about her face and hands, and my pance did become full.  And the Dark Empress did grin and expose her teeth of sharks, and did motion with her hands as if playing an infernal instrument of death, and did say "der nanernanernanerna ^DERnaner_NANER der nanernanernanerna ^DERnaner_NANER"

This is why all of our houses, etc, are painted beige and white.  The color of airports.  The color of "here to go", just passing through.

We know we'll have to run, again, and so we prepare ourselves psychologically by embracing supermodernism.  There is no permanent home.  There is only a stop to rest for a minute or a century, and then it's time to run, run like buffalo being herded over a cliff.

And when the aliens finally come to study us, they will find two kinds of human remains...The ones that have been gnawed on, and the ones in big piles at the bottom of cliffs and strip mines.  And they will wonder two things:  First, what happened to these people, and second, did you just hear a noise by the aft hatch?

Eventually, they will stop sending rescue missions, and their database entries will say:

EARTH IS A DEAD WORLD

They won't even have myths about us.  They'll just try to forget that they ever picked up our TV broadcasts, and they will not sleep well at night.

Going to do something with this, I think.

Oh god yes. Yes.