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What Does Cain Do?

Started by The Good Reverend Roger, October 08, 2012, 08:38:55 PM

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The Good Reverend Roger

October 08, 2012, 08:38:55 PM
Cain does not save you.  He wouldn't if he could.  Cain does not make common household tasks easier.  Cain does not help you find restaurants in your area.  Cain does not make technology, or even make it better.  Cain will not help you get to sleep the night before your big presentation. 

Cain doesn't freshen the air in your bathroom.  Nor does he keep your computer running at its optimum speed.  He doesn't make your taxes any easier, or help you organize your correspondence.

So what does Cain do?

Cain helps you understand the world of today, so you can scream in your sleep all night.  Cain tells you what the men with important eyebrows are REALLY saying when they jabber at you from the podium.  Cain explains WHY you're fucked, and WHO did it.  Then Cain goes full potato on your ass, fucks off with your bottle and your best girl, while you try to pick your teeth up off the floor.

How much would you pay for that kind of service?  $100/month?  $200/month? 

Don't answer yet!

Because alongside his patented teef removal technology, Cain will ALSO tell you which of your cherished conspiracy theories are absolute rubbish!  And even some of your not-so-conspiracy theories.  All within 24 hours of you, the consumer, shooting off your big fat fucking mouth!

NOW how much would you pay?

Again, DON'T ANSWER YET!

After ALL OF THAT, there's STILL MORE!  Cain will roofie your drinks and shop you out to rough trade, and you'll THANK HIM FOR IT.  He'll use you for a dartboard, knock up your mom and your auntie, and wreck your fucking car in the living room of your house.

How much will you pay?

Well, it's hard to put it in terms of money.  Think of it more as indentured servitude, only instead of learning a job, you just learn how to feel PAIN.

That's how much you'll pay.

Call now.  Supplies aren't limited, but time is.  Oh yes.
" It's just that Depeche Mode were a bunch of optimistic loveburgers."
- TGRR, shaming himself forever, 7/8/2017

"Billy, when I say that ethics is our number one priority and safety is also our number one priority, you should take that to mean exactly what I said. Also quality. That's our number one priority as well. Don't look at me that way, you're in the corporate world now and this is how it works."
- TGRR, raising the bar at work.

Mangrove

#1
October 08, 2012, 09:54:02 PM
If I call now with my credit card, can I get two CAINS???




Mangrove,

Will pay extra shipping & handling.
What makes it so? Making it so is what makes it so.

The Good Reverend Roger

#2
October 08, 2012, 09:54:42 PM
Quote from: Mangrove on October 08, 2012, 09:54:02 PM
If I call now with my credit card, can I get two CAINS???




Mangrove,

Will pay extra shipping & handling.

No, but a punch in the face is offered with every CC purchase.

" It's just that Depeche Mode were a bunch of optimistic loveburgers."
- TGRR, shaming himself forever, 7/8/2017

"Billy, when I say that ethics is our number one priority and safety is also our number one priority, you should take that to mean exactly what I said. Also quality. That's our number one priority as well. Don't look at me that way, you're in the corporate world now and this is how it works."
- TGRR, raising the bar at work.

Mangrove

#3
October 08, 2012, 09:56:46 PM
Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger on October 08, 2012, 09:54:42 PM
Quote from: Mangrove on October 08, 2012, 09:54:02 PM
If I call now with my credit card, can I get two CAINS???




Mangrove,

Will pay extra shipping & handling.

No, but a punch in the face is offered with every CC purchase.

Throw in a Shamwow and you've got yourself a deal.
What makes it so? Making it so is what makes it so.

The Good Reverend Roger

#4
October 08, 2012, 10:01:15 PM
Quote from: Mangrove on October 08, 2012, 09:56:46 PM
Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger on October 08, 2012, 09:54:42 PM
Quote from: Mangrove on October 08, 2012, 09:54:02 PM
If I call now with my credit card, can I get two CAINS???




Mangrove,

Will pay extra shipping & handling.

No, but a punch in the face is offered with every CC purchase.

Throw in a Shamwow and you've got yourself a deal.

Hell yeah.  We've got crates of those stacked up after Billy Mays violated his contract by croaking early.  Drove poor Vince into meth abuse out of pure despondency.
" It's just that Depeche Mode were a bunch of optimistic loveburgers."
- TGRR, shaming himself forever, 7/8/2017

"Billy, when I say that ethics is our number one priority and safety is also our number one priority, you should take that to mean exactly what I said. Also quality. That's our number one priority as well. Don't look at me that way, you're in the corporate world now and this is how it works."
- TGRR, raising the bar at work.

Mesozoic Mister Nigel

#5
October 08, 2012, 10:02:51 PM
GET THE STAINS OUT WITH CAIN

GET THE STAINS OUT WITH CAIN

GET THE STAINS OUT

WITH CAIN

I CAN'T

GET THE STAINS OUT
I CAN'T I CAN'T I CAN'T

GET THE STAINS WITH CAIN GET THE STAINS STAINS STAINS I CAN'T

GET RID OF THE STAINS.
"I'm guessing it was January 2007, a meeting in Bethesda, we got a bag of bees and just started smashing them on the desk," Charles Wick said. "It was very complicated."

Eater of Clowns

#6
October 08, 2012, 10:49:35 PM
Hello.  I am Eater of Clowns and I am calling to leave my positive review of the Cain product which I must swear to you is done of my own free will.  The first thing Cain did upon arrival is to train my yappy dog.  He insisted that training dogs is primarily a problem of training people, which he was inordinately happy to do.  He was very kind to the children, who were not fitted with shock collars like the wife and myself.  In fact, the children were given more responsibility!  They were given the controls to the shock collars.

I was not convinced my purchase was wise.  When presenting my concerns to newly appointed Thane of the Living Room Timmy, he smiled at me and explained that contracts were involved, that agreements were had and did I really want to be the one to go back on that sort of thing?  I do not know what Cain did to help the dog's teeth grow so fine and long, but when it growled to punctuate Mr. Timmy's sentiments they certainly looked healthier.  I told him that I did not remember signing such things and asked to bring the problem to the Grand Vizier.

Her Wiseness Margaret, fond of me from our time before Cain's arrival, was her normal sweet self.  She even reluctantly agreed to show me the contracts signed by my wife.  The several inches thick stack of papers presented looked very official and I asked to view her signature.  She pleasantly agreed that I should, but after her thumb hovered over the shock controls I decided that I trusted my good girl and if she could tell mommy that I miss her I would be ever so thankful.

Some time later our United Progress Meeting was called and after my wife and I embraced for our months apart we were told that the shock collars were never even armed.  We laughed and laughed at that like a family never has, tears spilling through my hands as I cradled my wife into sensibility.  The children's laughter was so genuine and adult, edged and mature like I never would have thought possible.  They informed us that our unit (that's what they call our family now, haha, so cute!) was producing at a rate just above average in our subsector and the shock collars would stay on to help us along a bit.  I asked if they would turn them on this time and they laughed again and we joined because it was the only thing that made sense anymore.

I would like to thank Cain in person but he is very busy and does not seem to notice me as I go about my duties.  He was very kind to put in a suggestion box and I carefully write him a thank you note every day at Mr. Timmy's clear instruction.  It is the best part of my day as sometimes my wife is doing the same and our hands are able to briefly touch before we part again.  Cain has truly strengthened our relationship if even such a small hint of affection can mean so much to us.

I have recommended Cain to all of my friends at our monthly designated subsector fraternisation meetings, and they think it is the funniest joke because of course they already use his services!  Such is his effectiveness that you too will only know others who use him.
Quote from: Pippa Twiddleton on December 22, 2012, 01:06:36 AM
EoC, you are the bane of my existence.

Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger on March 07, 2014, 01:18:23 AM
EoC doesn't make creepy.

EoC makes creepy worse.

Quote
the afflicted persons get hold of and consume carrots even in socially quite unacceptable situations.

Mesozoic Mister Nigel

#7
October 08, 2012, 11:04:13 PM
HURRY HURRY HURRY

CAIN SAYS

HURRY

GET THE STAINS OUT
"I'm guessing it was January 2007, a meeting in Bethesda, we got a bag of bees and just started smashing them on the desk," Charles Wick said. "It was very complicated."

Eater of Clowns

#8
October 08, 2012, 11:12:16 PM Last Edit: October 08, 2012, 11:56:47 PM by Eater of Clowns
Yes!  The stains, the stains of course can't forget the stains.  Haha.  Yes, yes Cain gets the stains out.  Thane of the Living Room Timmy insists to me that this is true.
Quote from: Pippa Twiddleton on December 22, 2012, 01:06:36 AM
EoC, you are the bane of my existence.

Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger on March 07, 2014, 01:18:23 AM
EoC doesn't make creepy.

EoC makes creepy worse.

Quote
the afflicted persons get hold of and consume carrots even in socially quite unacceptable situations.

Mesozoic Mister Nigel

#9
October 08, 2012, 11:54:07 PM
I CAN'T GET THE STAINS

OUT

CAIN SAYS

OUT

BUT THE HARDER I SCRUB

THE

MORE THE BLOOD SPREADS ON THE WALL

AND THE BONES IN MY

FINGERS

ARE

COMING





LOOSE.
"I'm guessing it was January 2007, a meeting in Bethesda, we got a bag of bees and just started smashing them on the desk," Charles Wick said. "It was very complicated."

LMNO

#10
October 09, 2012, 12:09:32 AM
SPOT

STAIN
SPOT


STAINSPOT


CLEAN SPOT CAIN

CAN'T

CAN

STAIN

SPOTCAINSPOTCLEANCAN'TSPOTCAIN


CLEAN.

Cain

#11
October 09, 2012, 07:38:23 PM
Best.

Thread.

EVER.


More coherent reply will have to wait until the vodka takes effect.

Chromia

#12
October 09, 2012, 08:07:09 PM
I shall buy one Cain in exchange for a dead brother and JudeoChristianity please?
Sometimes I forget what I was going to say. Sometimes I remembeer what everyone's forgotten to say forever and always. Does that ever happen to you?

The Good Reverend Roger

#13
October 09, 2012, 08:16:52 PM
Quote from: Chromia on October 09, 2012, 08:07:09 PM
I shall buy one Cain in exchange for a dead brother and JudeoChristianity please?

Cain only accepts actual money and/or major credit cards.

So no dead relatives, weird cults, or Euros, please.
" It's just that Depeche Mode were a bunch of optimistic loveburgers."
- TGRR, shaming himself forever, 7/8/2017

"Billy, when I say that ethics is our number one priority and safety is also our number one priority, you should take that to mean exactly what I said. Also quality. That's our number one priority as well. Don't look at me that way, you're in the corporate world now and this is how it works."
- TGRR, raising the bar at work.

Anna Mae Bollocks

#14
October 09, 2012, 09:10:30 PM
What's the ALSO GET with this one?
Scantily-Clad Inspector of Gigantic and Unnecessary Cashews, Texas Division
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