Various PD Criminals

[Doktor Howl]

LMNO, who exposed me to the GAY AGENDA.  It went something like this:

6:00 AM:  GAY alarm clock goes off.  Hit snooze to have 9 more minutes of BIG GAY DREAMS.
6:30 AM:  Eat your GAY Cheerios, prance out the door.
7:00 AM:  Get on the MBTA, change universes from our NORMAL one to the BEARFORCE1 dimension.  Dance on Subway to Elton John's I'm Still Standing.
7:30 AM:  Arrive at GAY job, have a great big cup of GAY coffee.  One of those frou-frou ones. 
8:00 AM:  Do financial dark arts.  Explain nothing.  Say horrible GAY things to the SEC investigators, then throw them down the elevator shaft.
12 PM:  Light lunch.
1:00 PM:  Office dance party.  Mandatory fabulousness. 
2:00 PM:  BIG GAY MEETINGS.
3:30 PM:  Back to the MBTA.  Leer at terrified passengers.  Return to our dimension.
4:00 PM:  Come home, greet wife. 
7:00 PM:  THE GAY BAR.
10:30 PM:  Stagger home, pass out unconscious in Divine Underoos. 

More to follow.

[LMNO]

Seems legit.  Could use more cowboys.

[Doktor Howl]

Hoopla is Canadian.  Normally, I'd stop there, but he ALSO suggests Jack London novels to impressionable college kids.  Who then HUFF THE MISERY until they die on the nearest frozen lake.  Alone.


Nullified is the only respectable member of this rogue's gallery, because she tells you the TRUTH about what she and her goons are going to do to you.  It's not pretty.  It's sort of like if you fed Junkenstein bad crank and gave him his crowbar back in a crowded senior's facility.  The noise is horrible.  Unlike Junkenstein, however, the building is still standing when she's done.  She is the neutron bomb of gangsters.  All the people are dead, the buildings are largely untouched.  I'm really okay with this, myself.

[Doktor Howl]

Seems legit.  Could use more cowboys.

That's only once a year when you fuck off to the West and ruin John Wayne movies for everyone.

[Doktor Howl]

The Wizard Joseph:  TWJ is a hopeless drug addict who will knife you for money to continue his Benadryl habit.  He is sort of like the entire city of Aberdeen, Scotland, only in fast motion...To a regular person's eyes, his straight razor could be mistaken for the needle of an operating sewing machine.  The government has been covering this up for YEARS, blaming it on cattle mutilating space aliens.

Queen Gogira:  Is a cattle mutilating alien.  She has a grudge against TWJ.

[Doktor Howl]

Faust is the warden.  This should not be taken to mean that he is not himself a criminal.  I mean, are the people who keep letting the Joker out of Arkam Asylum good people?  Of course they aren't.  They know what's coming, and they do it ANYWAY, just for cheap kicks.  He does this shit on purpose.  He was just BORN WRONG, by which I mean "in Ireland," and this sort of shit is his way of getting back at God.

[altered]

I do it because I love abandoned buildings and I hate infrastructure upkeep, just like Detroit.

[Faust]

Faust is the warden.  This should not be taken to mean that he is not himself a criminal.  I mean, are the people who keep letting the Joker out of Arkam Asylum good people?  Of course they aren't.  They know what's coming, and they do it ANYWAY, just for cheap kicks.  He does this shit on purpose.  He was just BORN WRONG, by which I mean "in Ireland," and this sort of shit is his way of getting back at God.

We only leave the cells unlocked for good reasons like they cut overtime pay or because it's Wednesday.

[altered]

I do it because I love abandoned buildings and I hate infrastructure upkeep, just like Detroit.

I would like to add that I also do it because of bad customer service. Really, you know you're dealing with a professional outfit when we need to verify your identity before we use your rib cage as a luge. I like to think I set a good example.

[The Wizard Joseph]

The Wizard Joseph:  TWJ is a hopeless drug addict who will knife you for money to continue his Benadryl habit.  He is sort of like the entire city of Aberdeen, Scotland, only in fast motion...To a regular person's eyes, his straight razor could be mistaken for the needle of an operating sewing machine.  The government has been covering this up for YEARS, blaming it on cattle mutilating space aliens.

Queen Gogira:  Is a cattle mutilating alien.  She has a grudge against TWJ.

I just need my medicine is all. I need to sleep. The buzzing only stops when I sleep. When I am awake it builds and builds like tinnitus from some rarified Chinese hell until everything goes black and smells like blood and I feel the warm squishyness again and I know that soon I will have enough to get my fix. I need the fix.  Just.. just enough to sleep again. To forget the buzzing sent from Her. I know I'm one of the Blessed, but I'm not strong enough to fulfill my Destiny. When I have my medicine I don't dream you see. She can't get to me, can't stick Her tentacles into my brain.. but I still feel them sliding around my head looking for an orifice.

Sweet Baby Yoda I try to be strong, but I am only human in the end. That's my only crime really, just giving in to my humanity. I'm weak and desperate for a little comfort, a little bit of rest is all... I hear Her, feel HER, even now. I must escape again. They call me monster just for taking what I NEED, but they don't understand that I am doing what I have to to keep myself human for just a little longer.

I can't let Her win. I know that what I will become must be stopped before it begins. I am the door that holds back the Other...  Just...  Just need my medicine. I need my sleep.

[chaotic neutral observer]

I just need my medicine is all. I need to sleep. The buzzing only stops when I sleep. When I am awake it builds and builds like tinnitus from some rarified Chinese hell until everything goes black and smells like blood and I feel the warm squishyness again and I know that soon I will have enough to get my fix. I need the fix.  Just.. just enough to sleep again. To forget the buzzing sent from Her. I know I'm one of the Blessed, but I'm not strong enough to fulfill my Destiny. When I have my medicine I don't dream you see. She can't get to me, can't stick Her tentacles into my brain.. but I still feel them sliding around my head looking for an orifice.

Sweet Baby Yoda I try to be strong, but I am only human in the end. That's my only crime really, just giving in to my humanity. I'm weak and desperate for a little comfort, a little bit of rest is all... I hear Her, feel HER, even now. I must escape again. They call me monster just for taking what I NEED, but they don't understand that I am doing what I have to to keep myself human for just a little longer.

I can't let Her win. I know that what I will become must be stopped before it begins. I am the door that holds back the Other...  Just...  Just need my medicine. I need my sleep.

Is there an "Unholy Horror" type of counterpart to "Holy Nonsense?"  Because I feel like the above deserves to be yoinked and put in an anthology, or something.