How come I never get chosen as a "secret santa"?

[Junkenstein]

The place I'm currently abusing has a mandatory £20 secret santa.

I despise these rituals, mainly due to getting screwed over in this whole arbitrary reciprocal gift giving to practical strangers thing before so I have decided to test the anonymous aspect of the horrible charade.

The subject for my loving affections is our receptionist who resembles captain scarlet in every meaningful way except the invulnerability. As a committed alcoholic he has been looking at the tin-foil wrapped bottle with his name on it for 2 weeks now.

Little does he know it is £20 worth of tin foil carefully crafted into the shape of a bottle.

[Cardinal Pizza Deliverance.]

  You are an evil bastard. I love it!

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

My girlfriend got a party invitation where the Secret Santa is written at the bottom of the invitation.

So anyone who says they can't make it is now directly screwing over their gift recipient.

If I didn't know any better about the jackass that handed them out, I'd think it was a fantastic troll.   

Wow. 

[Richter]

We should do a board-wide Secret Santa.

Cause like...

AND ALSO YES

NO. 

wait.....  NO.

I DONT WANT ANOTHER FUCKING BOX FULL OF FISH.

ALSO - FUCKING CRAMULUS.

YEAH, THOSE ARE RELATED.

I EVEN HINTED I WANTED A SWEATER.

DAMMIT.

[Suu]

We should do a board-wide Secret Santa.

Cause like...

AND ALSO YES

NO. 

wait.....  NO.

I DONT WANT ANOTHER FUCKING BOX FULL OF FISH.

ALSO - FUCKING CRAMULUS.

YEAH, THOSE ARE RELATED.

I EVEN HINTED I WANTED A SWEATER.

DAMMIT.

That ain't nothin' compared to what's being left on your doorstep next Thursday.

Hint: Let Herbert go down there first.

[Richter]

Someone must need another bottle of the Richterbrew.

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

We should do a board-wide Secret Santa.

Cause like...

AND ALSO YES

NO. 

wait.....  NO.

I DONT WANT ANOTHER FUCKING BOX FULL OF FISH.

ALSO - FUCKING CRAMULUS.

YEAH, THOSE ARE RELATED.

I EVEN HINTED I WANTED A SWEATER.

DAMMIT.