What the hell, GOD!

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Num.%2015:32-36;&version=KJV

32 And while the children of Israel were in the wilderness, they found a man that gathered sticks upon the sabbath day.

33 And they that found him gathering sticks brought him unto Moses and Aaron, and unto all the congregation.

34 And they put him in ward, because it was not declared what should be done to him.

35 And the Lord said unto Moses, The man shall be surely put to death: all the congregation shall stone him with stones without the camp.

36 And all the congregation brought him without the camp, and stoned him with stones, and he died; as the Lord commanded Moses.

WHAT A DICK!

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

OH WOW WOW WOW

I clicked on the speaker icon and now this amazing deep voice is saying the most incredibly insane things from my computer speakers.

[Trivial]

1 Chronicles 13

13:9 And when they came unto the threshingfloor of Chidon, Uzza put forth his hand to hold the ark; for the oxen stumbled.      
13:10 And the anger of the LORD was kindled against Uzza, and he smote him, because he put his hand to the ark: and there he died before God..

INDEED!

[Anna Mae Bollocks]

Didn't God grease some guy who stubbed his toe while carrying the ark?

"I'm sorry, it was an acci-"
"STFU!" *ZAP*

[Rev Thwack]

Bible... ugh. I try not to read things filled with violence and smut... gotta keep them separate.

[tyrannosaurus vex]

Samaria shall become desolate; for she hath rebelled against her God: they shall fall by the sword: their infants shall be dashed in pieces, and their women with child shall be ripped up.

Hosea 13:16

THIS IS FUN

[Nephew Twiddleton]

For your food you must bake barley loaves over human excrement in their sight, said the LORD. Thus the Israelites shall eat their food unclean among the nations where I scatter them. "Oh no, LORD God!" I protested. "Never have I been made unclean, and from my youth till now, never have I eaten carrion flesh or that torn by wild beasts: never has any unclean meat entered my mouth." Very well, he replied, I allow you cow's dung in place of human excrement; bake your bread on that.

God: Willing to compromise.

[Freeky]

This thread makes me lol. Not very strongly, but still.

God's a fucking dick.

[Nephew Twiddleton]

This thread makes me lol. Not very strongly, but still.

God's a fucking dick.

For your food you must bake barley loaves over human excrement in their sight, said the LORD. Thus the Israelites shall eat their food unclean among the nations where I scatter them. "Oh no, LORD God!" I protested. "Never have I been made unclean, and from my youth till now, never have I eaten carrion flesh or that torn by wild beasts: never has any unclean meat entered my mouth." Very well, he replied, I allow you cow's dung in place of human excrement; bake your bread on that.

God: Willing to compromise.

Ezekiel: inspects before blow jobs.

[Trivial]

Deuteronomy 23

23:1 He that is wounded in the stones, or hath his privy member cut off, shall not enter into the congregation of the LORD.

God is such a dick you need a good dick to talk about him.

[Freeky]

This thread makes me lol. Not very strongly, but still.

God's a fucking dick.

For your food you must bake barley loaves over human excrement in their sight, said the LORD. Thus the Israelites shall eat their food unclean among the nations where I scatter them. "Oh no, LORD God!" I protested. "Never have I been made unclean, and from my youth till now, never have I eaten carrion flesh or that torn by wild beasts: never has any unclean meat entered my mouth." Very well, he replied, I allow you cow's dung in place of human excrement; bake your bread on that.

God: Willing to compromise.

Ezekiel: inspects before blow jobs.

[Anna Mae Bollocks]

God kills off all the local guys except Lot and instigates BIBLE THUMPIN DRUNKEN INBREEDING:

29 And it came to pass, when God destroyed the cities of the plain, that God remembered Abraham, and sent Lot out of the midst of the overthrow, when he overthrew the cities in the which Lot dwelt.

30 And Lot went up out of Zoar, and dwelt in the mountain, and his two daughters with him; for he feared to dwell in Zoar: and he dwelt in a cave, he and his two daughters.

31 And the firstborn said unto the younger, Our father is old, and there is not a man in the earth to come in unto us after the manner of all the earth:

32 Come, let us make our father drink wine, and we will lie with him, that we may preserve seed of our father.

33 And they made their father drink wine that night: and the firstborn went in, and lay with her father; and he perceived not when she lay down, nor when she arose.

34 And it came to pass on the morrow, that the firstborn said unto the younger, Behold, I lay yesternight with my father: let us make him drink wine this night also; and go thou in, and lie with him, that we may preserve seed of our father.

35 And they made their father drink wine that night also: and the younger arose, and lay with him; and he perceived not when she lay down, nor when she arose.

36 Thus were both the daughters of Lot with child by their father.

37 And the first born bare a son, and called his name Moab: the same is the father of the Moabites unto this day.

38 And the younger, she also bare a son, and called his name Benammi: the same is the father of the children of Ammon unto this day.

[Cain]

http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=2+Kings+2%3A23-24&version=NIV;KJV

23 From there Elisha went up to Bethel. As he was walking along the road, some boys came out of the town and jeered at him. "Get out of here, baldy!" they said. "Get out of here, baldy!"

24 He turned around, looked at them and called down a curse on them in the name of the Lord. Then two bears came out of the woods and mauled forty-two of the boys.

My single favourite "Bible WTF" moment of all time: God sends two bears to kill 42 children, for jeering at Elisha and calling him "baldy".

[P3nT4gR4m]

Newsflash: God is a complete dick. Whole bible. Start to finish. And that's just based on what he does, directly, according to the drug/mania induced rants of primitive intellects holy and most sacred scriptures. Apply logic  to the concept of omnipotence/omniscience and pretty much all the bad shit, past and future, that the bible doesn't say god did? Yup he's totally to blame for all that shit too.

The holocaust? - totally 100% Gods fault.

Hiroshima/Nagasaki? - god!

Aids? - god

My overdraft - Yup, wanker is behind that too.

So, yeah, fuck god. He gave me bipolar, he's a cunt. And I'm glad his kid died. There, I've said it.

[EK WAFFLR]

3 Psalms

3 Lord, how are they increased that trouble me! many are they that rise up against me.

2 Many there be which say of my soul, There is no help for him in God. Selah.

3 But thou, O Lord, art a shield for me; my glory, and the lifter up of mine head.

4 I cried unto the Lord with my voice, and he heard me out of his holy hill. Selah.

5 I laid me down and slept; I awaked; for the Lord sustained me.

6 I will not be afraid of ten thousands of people, that have set themselves against me round about.

7 Arise, O Lord; save me, O my God: for thou hast smitten all mine enemies upon the cheek bone; thou hast broken the teeth of the ungodly.

8 Salvation belongeth unto the Lord: thy blessing is upon thy people. Selah.