DOK! GODDAMNIT!!

[Cuddlefish]

Look.

I think you need to work on your interpretation skills. I mean, maybe you have a case of the assburgers or something, but I was FUCKING JOKING when I was talking about building a sexy-lady version of Frankenstien's monster.

I. WAS FUCKING. JOKING.

So, the other day, the mail lady delivers a large styrofoam cooler to my house FULL OF FUCKING BODY PARTS! Seriuosly, Dok. At what point did you think this was okay?!

But here's the REAL problem. I don't have enough space in my freezer for all this stuff, and now it's just rotting in my backyard, stinking up the whole fucking nieghborhood, attracting strays and homeless people. I demand you send someone to clean up this mess immediately.

And, I suggest that, who ever you send, you heavily equip them. Who ever's bits were in the cooler must have been really tasty, the dogs and homeless people get really vicious if any one gets close to the pile.

I expect results by next Teusday, or their will be reprecusions. Please, lets avoid a potential prolonged military occupation of Tuscon by the Principalities (we BOTH know how the Secret Sacred Circle of Elders and Other Really Old People will feel about that). Thanks, and please, be reasonable. I know you're capable of it.

-dimo-

P.S. Was that even fucking human? The bits and peices were still moving after they thawed. STILL FUCKING MOVING! AFTER THREE WEEKS!!

[Doktor Howl]

Dimo:

We are a company comprised of professionals.  When we receive a PO number, we take it seriously.  Our staff went to a great deal of effort and expense to collect the very freshist of bits for the project you described.  Added onto that is the "incentives" we were forced to pay to various undertakers, morgue employees, etc.

On top of that, we used the required 9 pints of Revive™ prior to freezing the parts.  Revive™ is a very expensive compound, enough that we do not expend it lightly.

In short, Mr Dimo, we expect payment (net 30, as per our standard terms).  Should this payment not be forthcoming, we will be sending Doktor Rictus and his associates around to collect said monies, and failing that, to collect raw materials (to wit: you, or parts of you) to recoup our expenses.  I feel I should warn you that Doktor Rictus is an impatient man who takes these matters quite seriously, and tends to get a little excited when his commission is threatened.

As for removal of the parts in question, we do offer that as an additional service.  We will be more than happy to send you a quote...Bear in mind, however, that any and all EPA/Hazmat costs will be passed on to you. 

Thank you for your attention to this matter, and your prompt payment.

Doktor Howl,
CEO and Managing Director,
Mail Order Brides Unlimited.

[Richter]

But first, a song!

:cough:

LAAAAA....

"IT?S A THANKLESS JOB,
BUT SOMEBODY?S GOT TO DO IT...
PEELIN? OFF THE TISSUE INCH-BY-INCH,
SKINNIN? OFF THE MUSCLES, TOO.
HARVESTING THE KIDNEYS FOR THE FALL.
SAVIN? UP THE LIVERS IN THE FRIDGE.
NO ONE EVER THANKS ME WHEN I?M DONE.
HOW SELF-ABSORBED PEOPLE CAN BE!

WITH A SLICE, OR A SNIP,
EENIE-MEENIE-MINIE-MOO...
WITH A CUT, AND A STITCH,
RETURNING ORGANS GOOD AS NEW!

IT?S A THANKLESS JOB!
BUT SOMEBODY?S GOT TO DO IT!
LIKE A MOP!
AND A BROOM!
NO ONE WANTS A THANKLESS JOB!"

::Goes back to sharpening knives::

[Cuddlefish]

Dok,

I am truly disappointed by your response. Being the professionals I know you to be, I was shocked to hear that this issue remains unsolved.

Furthermore, after an intensive Google search, I was unable to find ANY information regarding Mail Order Brides Unlimited. No tax or earnings records. No address or website. How can I properly stalk you/your employees without the proper information?

Farthermore, the only information I did manage to find about your "business" was a back page ad in the 1982 December issue of "Applied Mad Science for Maladjusted Shut-ins" magazine. Which, oddly enough, claimed your location as 47 ********* Drive, West *******, RI, bottom floor. Which is MY BASEMENT! What are you trying to pull, here? I will NOT be implicated in this terrible, bad-wrong, fly-by-night operation.

Furthestmore, I've discovered, to my horror, that this Revive™product of yours is not or has not been registered, trademarked, recommended, tested, safe or legal. Also, use or exposure to Revive™ and related products, has been shown in the state of California to cause, in primates: cancer, rheumatoid arthritis, hemorrhoids, ebola, AIDS and/or HIV, cankersores, loss of memory, loss of vision, loss of circulation, loss of marbles, and in 72% of all tests, death with successive and excessive post mortem activity.

However, that is beside the point. I refuse to pay for this delivery based on the fact that the flesh came pre-administered with Revive™ whereas I ordered the Revive™ to come separately, as it's intended use was not on the flesh in question. It was for, how we will say... "little dimo."

I trust you and your brilliant team of professionals will be sending me a replacement bottle for my troubles.

-dimo-

[Doktor Howl]

Dear Future Raw Materials:

Having read your response and filed it "The Dok Howl way", I have no option but to send the boys around.  Please put your personal affairs in order, and prepare to be fucking'd royally.  We've also placed a lien on your cat, and your girlfriend will be sold to Old Navy for use in their insipid commercials.  Tell her to practice wearing pastel hoodies.

We regret the necessity of these actions, but you leave us no choice.  In retrospect, we should not have accepted "lol!!!111111" as a valid PO number...However, the room full of angry lawyers that we keep on staff assures us that this will in fact stand up in court.  Portions of your person may eventually do just that, as we sue the living blue Jesus out of the FDA for their blatant bias toward the living, at the expense of the many deceased-yet-viable Americans that are discriminated against by their draconian policies.

We here at Mail Order Brides Unlimited look forward to you "joining the team".

Doktor Howl,
CEO and Managing Director,
Mail Order Brides Unlimited.

[Doktor Howl]

Memorandum

To:  Doktor Rictus, et al

From:  Howl

Subject:  Repo action.

Text:  Hey, Richter...Dimo is trying to weasel his way out of paying.  Please take a squad of Murder Colonels around to his place, snag up the merchandise (to include Dimo, his GF, the cat, and the original shipped goods).  The GF has to be alive, because I swung a deal for her to replace the old bag in the Old Navy commercials.  The cat also has to be alive, because it's the only way to test the launcher.  Dimo should probably be rendered into materials on the spot, so bring some ice.

Also, have a talk with Nurse East.  I think she's been huffing Revive™ again.  I saw her gnawing on Willy the mailroom intern's head again.

[Dysfunctional Cunt]

Memorandum

To:  Doktor Howl; Doktor Rictus, et al

From: The number crunching bitch in the basement....

Subject:  Repo action.

Gentlemen;

Please remember that while it is a good thing to practice safe reposession, you must sharpen and reuse your tools.  The continued requests for reimbursement for new chainsaws and axes per job has gone from minor inconvenience to a pain in my ass.  Use a sharp blade for the initial offing and as the lab has found that rust particles actually work with the Revive for a more realistic flesh movement, don't stress the chainsaw.  WD-40 is a good thing!

As well, yes, you will be reimbursed for your meals and accomidations, however, that does not mean we will pay for you to stay the weekend at Kim Ho's House of Happy Endings just because it was convenient to the location.  You can just file that on your tax return and lie about it like the rest of corporate America. 

And as a last note, dimo's check has come back NSF twice now, so anything extra you can get from the house to sell on ebay might result in a bonus if Enrico will let us sell the S&M gear and the blow-up doll collection!

Just a happy reminder, receipts are your friend because without them, I'm not!

Khara
The Bitch

[Richter]

::Transcript of a badly wrinkled fax transmission, on real cheap paper, with a toner cartridge that obviously idolizes sex offender::

ATTN: Doktor Howl

Subject:  That Greasy Jazz

Doktor H -
Going to be a bit of a hunt.  By some weird Daego madgique, Dimo's formerly known residence has weasled it's way into another ZIP code.  This, however, is an un-daunting setback.  If this state had more than one area code, it MIGHT be a problem, but I know how far they can run.  That's the nature of all house - weasling effects.  

The original Product is secured, along with a tremendous pile of bodily scruff, which I'll be sending to the "Hair club for ANYONE" division.  The contents are still within acceptabe cooling, so I anticipate optimal value retention upon restocking.  

The cat is acquired.  I put my labcoat on a car seat, and it decided to sleep on it to inconvenience me.  I should almost thank it.

The girlfriend smiled upon being delivered the papers, and replied with a right hook.  She's a definite candidate for our PR group, and is filling out the application as we speak. I'll thaw a hipster from the incidentals storage for Old Navy.

I'll have a chat with Nurse East.  I think she's caught something, but this use of Revive is way outside of responsible or amusing.

OK for now
-Rictus

[Richter]

Memorandum

To:  Doktor Howl; Doktor Rictus, et al

From: The number crunching bitch in the basement....

Subject:  Repo action.

Gentlemen;

Please remember that while it is a good thing to practice safe reposession, you must sharpen and reuse your tools.  The continued requests for reimbursement for new chainsaws and axes per job has gone from minor inconvenience to a pain in my ass.  Use a sharp blade for the initial offing and as the lab has found that rust particles actually work with the Revive for a more realistic flesh movement, don't stress the chainsaw.  WD-40 is a good thing!

As well, yes, you will be reimbursed for your meals and accomidations, however, that does not mean we will pay for you to stay the weekend at Kim Ho's House of Happy Endings just because it was convenient to the location.  You can just file that on your tax return and lie about it like the rest of corporate America. 

And as a last note, dimo's check has come back NSF twice now, so anything extra you can get from the house to sell on ebay might result in a bonus if Enrico will let us sell the S&M gear and the blow-up doll collection!

Just a happy reminder, receipts are your friend because without them, I'm not!

Khara
The Bitch

To: Khara

From Dr. Rictus

Jacking the place up as we speak.  Have Dr. H forward my last, we've got some good stuff.  Also, I keep my own tools, and they are all surgically sharp.  you know this. Finally, keep that WD-40 AWAY.  It's a cleaner, not a lubricant.   

[Dysfunctional Cunt]

To: Dr. Richter

From: Khara

Excellent work!  I think those silver plated thumb screws would make a lovely holiday gift for the boss!  As for the variety of fetish wear you hauled in, the girls want to know if you had any preferences before we put it up on ebay.  Additionally, our recordss indicate there should have been 5 more unused blowup dolls in that collection.  I'm sure it was an oversight on your part.

You and your tools after that incident in the West Virginia, we don't want to have surgical or sharp in the same sentence do we?  Don't forget to go get that last shot!

You can call WD-40 anything you want, even with a receipt you're not getting reimbursed for it!

[The Good Reverend Roger]

Gonna do something with this.

[LMNO]

Have I ever mentioned how much I like your thread archeology?

Because I do.