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Something's wrong.

Started by LMNO, February 25, 2013, 06:47:07 PM

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LMNO

February 25, 2013, 06:47:07 PM
Something is wrong.

Inside my head.

And I can't figure out what it is. 

There's something nagging at me, something not quite right that's keeping me off balance and making me cranky.  But there's nothing obvious going on that would do that.  My marriage is going well, there are no money problems, the Frost Heaves will be releasing a new album next month, dontchewcords has another gig this Friday, my fabulous friends are still fabulous, and I've been pain free from my various joint problems for at least a couple of years now.

But I'm still feeling like I'm just spinning my wheels.  I'm getting this hollow feeling creeping up, like nothing's really happening.  Every day is different, I'm doing new stuff all the time, I'm creating, I'm performing, I'm recording, I'm dancing... But I'm feeling like it's all the same-- just grey, empty space in my head.  Since stuff is actually happening to me and I'm not curled up into a ball on the couch suffocating my brain with reality TV, I can only conclude that something is bothering me that's bigger than physical movement and new experiences.  A few possibilities:

1) Its a new form of grieving.  Dad's been dead for a couple of years, and there's a him-shaped hole in the world, and it's getting bigger.

2) Connected to the above and conflated with some of Roger's rants, I've been doing things, but I haven't been doing things.  I haven't done enough to leave a mark on the world, and all my book and music projects have been essentially selfish flights of narcissism, doing things to say I did them, not to actually change anything.

3) I'm worried about my health, but I haven't been doing what I know I should be doing.  I should lose 20-30 pounds, cut back on the alcohol, eat healthier, and all the rest, but I'm simply not doing it – especially the cutting back on alcohol bit.  Which prompts quiet anxiety that I may be turning into (or I may be) a functioning alcoholic, which we know usually turns into a non-functioning alcoholic.

4) Biological clock.  What's missing is a child.

5) My brain chemicals are screwy, and I'm sliding into depression.

6) I'm not getting enough sleep.

I figure number six and number three are the easiest things to check, although number three has been on the To Do list for about a decade now, so "easiest" is a fairly relative term.  But there.  I've written it down.  Something's up with my headstate. 

Eater of Clowns

#1
February 25, 2013, 07:12:08 PM
What's the possibility of this being a winter thing?

Cold, grey, lifeless, and awful for a few months?  The days are getting longer, but we won't be seeing anything green for over a month.
Quote from: Pippa Twiddleton on December 22, 2012, 01:06:36 AM
EoC, you are the bane of my existence.

Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger on March 07, 2014, 01:18:23 AM
EoC doesn't make creepy.

EoC makes creepy worse.

Quote
the afflicted persons get hold of and consume carrots even in socially quite unacceptable situations.

Cuddlefish

#2
February 25, 2013, 07:19:26 PM
As someone who has his own difficulties inside his own head, I have no authority to even comment on this, buuuuut, I will.

Number 2 could be the big problem. I say this because I've been feeling similar to what you describe in the body and in the number 2 entry of your op. And, for me, this sounds like an accurate diagnoses. For you, it may be different.

As far as numbers 1 and 4, I think these may be separate issues that are adding to the confusion. I'd say set them aside for now while you're thinking it over. If you don't find a solution in the remaining possibilities, then get back to these.

But again, plz to take with grain of salt, I may not know what I'm talking about.
A fisher of men, or a manner of fish?

The Good Reverend Roger

#3
February 25, 2013, 07:23:54 PM
Welcome, my friend, to the February of 40-something male life.

It hides behind a door, you see, and then whacks you with a sock full of dimes.  One day you're fine, life is this great big thing stretching out in front of you, and then BAM!  You're looking back down the road you just walked up, second guessing yourself and wishing you were a few miles back down the way you came.

But you can't do that, of course, and you look damn silly if you try.

It's not that the fun stopped...It's that the fun changed, and you have to change with it.  Consider:  When you were a kid, you may have thought that when you were grown up, you'd buy ice cream every day.  Then when you became an adult, and could do that...Well, you didn't want that anymore, as that is the wish of a child, not the desire of an adult.

And then you hit 40 or so, and you feel like you're treading water, because none of your childhood wishes apply anymore. 

The TRUTH is, this is the BEST time of your life, because you have no set preconceptions of what to do...And if you can avoid the two most common traps waiting for you, you can do ANY DAMN THING YOU WANT.

Those traps are:

1.  Denying that you've reached this point, and trying to act like a 25 year old.  Goofy fuckers.

2.  Deciding that you're OLD and SERIOUS now, and joining the Tea Party, or some other fucked up collection of walking midlife crisises.

No, the trick is to take a little while and think about it.  What do you WANT to do?  This age is the ONLY FUCKING TIME you get to make that choice, so choose wisely.

And as for your old man...Well, I can't help you there.  I could make trite comments about a religion neither you nor he believe(d) in, or maybe ask if he'd be pleased by you spending so much time and emotional energy dwelling on his death...But to what end?  It wouldn't make you feel any better.

I can't imagine that hole will stop getting larger until you fit in it.  Because that, ultimately, is what sons and daughters do.  They take our place when we die, and they carry on.  Rinse, repeat, hey, welcome to the human condition.

So, anyway, that's about all I have to say about this, except that you need to THINK and DECIDE, and then DO.

But there's no hurry.  You have pretty much the rest of your life to figure it out.  I sure as fuck haven't managed to properly decide yet.
" It's just that Depeche Mode were a bunch of optimistic loveburgers."
- TGRR, shaming himself forever, 7/8/2017

"Billy, when I say that ethics is our number one priority and safety is also our number one priority, you should take that to mean exactly what I said. Also quality. That's our number one priority as well. Don't look at me that way, you're in the corporate world now and this is how it works."
- TGRR, raising the bar at work.

Nephew Twiddleton

#4
February 25, 2013, 07:25:08 PM
Could be a combination of things. Eocs input is pretty valid too. We havent had a bad winter all things considered but i know i dont like being outside in this. Just look out a window right now (im waiting for the bus). Its gloomy. I know i sure as hell want it to be spring.
Strange and Terrible Organ Laminator of Yesterday's Heavy Scene
Sentence or sentence fragment pending

Soy El Vaquero Peludo de Oro

TIM AM I, PRIMARY OF THE EXTRA-ATMOSPHERIC SIMIANS

The Good Reverend Roger

#5
February 25, 2013, 07:25:54 PM
And the sleep thing and the alcohol thing tend to aggravate each other.  Alcohol is primarily a 25-something form of entertainment, and doesn't treat you well in middle age.  Just saying.
" It's just that Depeche Mode were a bunch of optimistic loveburgers."
- TGRR, shaming himself forever, 7/8/2017

"Billy, when I say that ethics is our number one priority and safety is also our number one priority, you should take that to mean exactly what I said. Also quality. That's our number one priority as well. Don't look at me that way, you're in the corporate world now and this is how it works."
- TGRR, raising the bar at work.

The Good Reverend Roger

#6
February 25, 2013, 07:49:23 PM
Also, check PMs.
" It's just that Depeche Mode were a bunch of optimistic loveburgers."
- TGRR, shaming himself forever, 7/8/2017

"Billy, when I say that ethics is our number one priority and safety is also our number one priority, you should take that to mean exactly what I said. Also quality. That's our number one priority as well. Don't look at me that way, you're in the corporate world now and this is how it works."
- TGRR, raising the bar at work.

Cardinal Pizza Deliverance.

#7
February 25, 2013, 07:53:13 PM
Six will help the rest. Start there, if you want my two cents. Give your brain a chance to reset and it will help you figure out what's going on with the other things. Take care of yourself, LMNO
Weevil-Infested Badfun Wrongsex Referee From The 9th Earth
Slick and Deranged Wombat of Manhood Questioning
Hulking Dormouse of Lust and DESPAIR™
Gatling Geyser of Rainbow AIDS

"The only way we can ever change anything is to look in the mirror and find no enemy." - Akala  'Find No Enemy'.

LMNO

#8
February 25, 2013, 08:06:20 PM
It also occurs to me that if I had a job that fufilled me and gives me a sense of personal satisfaction and accomplishment, I wouldn't need to stay up half the night doing things that do all that.

Anna Mae Bollocks

#9
February 25, 2013, 08:14:49 PM
Does it feel kind of "flat"? Because I've been getting the same thing lately.
Nothing excites me much. Nothing upsets me much. It's all the same.
Wondering WTF that is.
Scantily-Clad Inspector of Gigantic and Unnecessary Cashews, Texas Division

The Good Reverend Roger

#10
February 25, 2013, 08:25:04 PM
Quote from: LMNO, PhD (life continues) on February 25, 2013, 08:06:20 PM
It also occurs to me that if I had a job that fufilled me and gives me a sense of personal satisfaction and accomplishment, I wouldn't need to stay up half the night doing things that do all that.

Do your job.  Make the universe pay on the weekend.

Hell, I work in a place where the equipment blows the fuck up and sprays acid everywhere.  Then you blow budget getting it going again, and it does the SAME FUCKING THING a month later.  Imagine how horny that makes me.  Imagine how THRILLED I am.

But my daughter has a year and a half left in high school, so here I am, doing the impossible for the ungrateful on unpaid overtime.
" It's just that Depeche Mode were a bunch of optimistic loveburgers."
- TGRR, shaming himself forever, 7/8/2017

"Billy, when I say that ethics is our number one priority and safety is also our number one priority, you should take that to mean exactly what I said. Also quality. That's our number one priority as well. Don't look at me that way, you're in the corporate world now and this is how it works."
- TGRR, raising the bar at work.

LMNO

#11
February 25, 2013, 08:27:39 PM
Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger on February 25, 2013, 08:25:04 PM
so here I am, doing the impossible for the ungrateful on unpaid overtime.

I'm kind of loving this right now.

Anna Mae Bollocks

#12
February 25, 2013, 08:29:26 PM
Don't they have some kind of accelerated program your daughter could get into?

My daughter got into a thing where she could work at her own pace and she finished up early, even with copious fucking off.

Scantily-Clad Inspector of Gigantic and Unnecessary Cashews, Texas Division

The Good Reverend Roger

#13
February 25, 2013, 08:31:26 PM
Quote from: Pope Partum Depression on February 25, 2013, 08:29:26 PM
Don't they have some kind of accelerated program your daughter could get into?

My daughter got into a thing where she could work at her own pace and she finished up early, even with copious fucking off.

She's enjoying high school with her friends.  I can do that much for her.
" It's just that Depeche Mode were a bunch of optimistic loveburgers."
- TGRR, shaming himself forever, 7/8/2017

"Billy, when I say that ethics is our number one priority and safety is also our number one priority, you should take that to mean exactly what I said. Also quality. That's our number one priority as well. Don't look at me that way, you're in the corporate world now and this is how it works."
- TGRR, raising the bar at work.

The Good Reverend Roger

#14
February 25, 2013, 08:31:48 PM
Quote from: LMNO, PhD (life continues) on February 25, 2013, 08:27:39 PM
Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger on February 25, 2013, 08:25:04 PM
so here I am, doing the impossible for the ungrateful on unpaid overtime.

I'm kind of loving this right now.

I CAN'T STOP LOVING IT.
" It's just that Depeche Mode were a bunch of optimistic loveburgers."
- TGRR, shaming himself forever, 7/8/2017

"Billy, when I say that ethics is our number one priority and safety is also our number one priority, you should take that to mean exactly what I said. Also quality. That's our number one priority as well. Don't look at me that way, you're in the corporate world now and this is how it works."
- TGRR, raising the bar at work.
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