ITT, Vex rules on SCOTUS cases so those nine useless fucks in DC don't have to.

[tyrannosaurus vex]

CASE #1: SHELBY COUNTY, ALABAMA v. ERIC HOLDER, JR., ATTORNEY GENERAL
Link: http://www.supremecourt.gov/Search.aspx?FileName=/docketfiles/12-96.htm

SUMMARY:

Shelby County, Alabama, would like SCOTUS to scrap a provision of the Civil Rights Act of 1965 which requires jurisdictions with a history of institutional racial discrimination to submit all changes to voting laws and district boundaries to the US Department of Justice for approval.

PLAINTIFF: BACKWOODS HICKS AND HILLBILLIES OF ALABAMA, ET. AL.
DEFENDANT: RATIONAL BIPEDS TRYING TO GET YOU DICKS TO GET WITH THE PROGRAM

COURT'S DECISION FOLLOWS

The Court finds that this suit is kind of ridiculous. Alabama's argument is well summarized by their closing argument, which the Court quotes below:

"We done real good lately, y'all. It's high time we put this hootin' and hollerin' back yonder where it belongs in the Hist'ry Books, an' git on with Der Future! Please don't make us talk to no more fancy Yankees from up North, 'bout our own internal-like affairs and such. We admit we done did a bad thang back in the 60s and whatever, but ain't nobody down here done nothin' wrong in a long time and we think we deserve congratulations, not no more o' you steerin' down yer noses at us. It's uncivilizedlike and a violation of our State Sovereignty, and robs us of our nat'ral Southern Charm and Dignity."

Allowing for the fact that most Alabama lawyers are toothless and illiterate, the Court finds this argument surprisingly succinct and and eloquent. However, it must be noted that the Civil Rights Act of 1965 already has a provision for removing a jurisdiction from the watchful eye of the Justice Department. All such a jurisdiction must do is show for 10 years that they have not engaged in racially discriminatory behavior when drawing district boundaries or enacting or enforcing laws which apply to voting, voter registration, or other participation in the voting system. This is reasonable, since in a 10 year span there are usually no more than SIX years where voting actually takes place, and sometimes FOUR years. So, asking a jurisdiction to put on a good show for an average of HALF THE TIME isn't really asking a lot.

Also, the Court notes that Shelby County is asking the Court to invalidate this provision on grounds that it is Unconstitutional -- indeed the Court has no other authority over laws -- but Shelby County is not arguing that the law is unconstitutional, only that it is "outdated" and that they have "outgrown" their need to be watched by the Federal Government. Well, Alabama may or may not be aware of this, but the government already has an institution designed specifically to deal with the problem of outdated laws: THE FUCKING LEGISLATURE.

It is therefore the view of this Court that Shelby County is only trying to do an end-run around the proper system for achieving what they want, since if they asked lawmakers to change the law on their behalf, they'd have to make a more public case for it. And anyone involved in that process would say "LOL SHELBY COUNTY ALABAMA IS SO OVER RACISM, UH-HUH" and their efforts would be in vain.

In view of these findings, the Court hereby decrees that not only shall the Civil Rights Act of 1965 be maintained in its current form, but that all the provisions of Reconstruction which were in effect from 1865 until 1877 shall be indefinitely reactivated in the entire State of Alabama.

ANYONE ELSE WANT TO TRY?

XOXOXOXOX
SCOTUS

[LMNO]

I'd totally vote for you if you ever ran for the Supreme Court.

[Elder Iptuous]

damn. that was pretty good!
i second LMNO in his nomination of you.