Conquest of the Planet of the Bride of the Son of the Return of the Open Bar

[Nephew Twiddleton]

Also, cats are not needy, dogs are.  And they're funny because they're assholes.

Dog: Sleeps 90% of the time, craps outside. Eats and drinks whatever. Likes to go to the beach once in a while.

Cat: sleeps all day, wakes me up every two hours all night long, only eats food that's the right brand and is half-crunchy, half-canned, won't drink day-old water, craps in a box that needs cleaning and changing all the time, is all the time wanting to be petted or else walking around meowing aimlessly at dust motes or imaginary ghosts or because the water in their bowl is slightly more than eight hours old.

Dog: Is happy to see you when you get home. Watches your shit and lets you know when somebody comes around or something is happening (ok, sometimes that's just another dog passing by, but still.) Bites the fuck out of people who break in your house or act threatening towards you. Would happily throw his life away to save your ass.

Cat: Is aloof until you piss him off with some perceived affront, then goes on a vendetta pissing on your furniture, shitting in your bathtub and puking on your bed.

Yes. And most of the time you don't even know WHY. WHAT AM I DOING WRONG, YOU EVIL BASTARD?

Cats are like that one friend that you don't really know why you tolerate, because they want things from you all the time but don't actually add anything to your life.

Oh, except for brain parasites.

Thanks, cats!

This. Except they don't talk. So that's a bonus for the cat.

[Elder Iptuous]

cats can be trained, but it's like a monkeys paw.
we trained our old cat to shit in the toilet, but he also picked up the habit of unrolling the entire roll of paper into it when he was done.
and one time my wife was poomping and he didn't want to wait so he climbed into the pants around her ankles and shit in them while looking into her eyes.

also, a GIS for 'i'm full of tinier men' gives the most bizarre results...

[Nephew Twiddleton]

cats can be trained, but it's like a monkeys paw.
we trained our old cat to shit in the toilet, but he also picked up the habit of unrolling the entire roll of paper into it when he was done.
and one time my wife was poomping and he didn't want to wait so he climbed into the pants around her ankles and shit in them while looking into her eyes.

also, a GIS for 'i'm full of tinier men' gives the most bizarre results...

You just made me crack up laughing with the story about your wife and the cat. That's just amazing.

Also, to Google!

[Salty]

I like cats because they don't seem to like humans all that much.

And they leave you the hell alone, except at night when you just yell at them and they fuck off.

That said, I can only have female cats. Male cats are stupid, don't take a hint, needy, and stupid.

Dogs meanwhile seem to hang on to every ounce of their owners attention at any given moment. Dogs just stare and stare until you GIVE them SOMETHING.

and they eat their own poop. They EAT POOP.

[Salty]

And you can go on vacation, leave a mountain of food behind, and they're fine.

Dogs get all weird when they're alone.

[Freeky]

Maybe it's just me, then.  All the dogs I ever had were neurotic as fuck and need constant attention, and my cat was chill, slept all damn day, came inside when I called him in for bed, and didn't even use his litter box because outside was so much better.

[Salty]

Some fool made the mistake of talking politics with me whilst I was working.

Thank you PD, for giving me the tools to make people SHUT UP when they start leaking stupid all over me.

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

I like cats because they don't seem to like humans all that much.

And they leave you the hell alone, except at night when you just yell at them and they fuck off.

That said, I can only have female cats. Male cats are stupid, don't take a hint, needy, and stupid.

Dogs meanwhile seem to hang on to every ounce of their owners attention at any given moment. Dogs just stare and stare until you GIVE them SOMETHING.

and they eat their own poop. They EAT POOP.

Both of my cats are female, and they're both horrible.

Sure, they leave me alone most of the time, unless I'm trying to sleep or work in which case they DESPERATELY NEED ME.

Dogs eat poop. True. Not usually their own, but sometimes they will.

Cats just track their own shit and its accompanying BRAIN PARASITES all over the house and onto your pillow, and occasionally pee all over everything you own and shit in your shoes.

Oh and I'M SORRY, WAS THAT YOUR VEGETABLE GARDEN? I thought you were making a giant neighborhood litter box.

[EK WAFFLR]

NO LOVE FOR CAT PENIS?

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

And you can go on vacation, leave a mountain of food behind, and they're fine.

Dogs get all weird when they're alone.

If by "fine" you mean "pretty much just as completely neurotic as they were when you left, and shit on your pillow to show you for leaving them alone", then yes.

I had an awesome cat once. Man, that cat was so awesome. He did his own thing and would just hang out in the same room with you and was super chill and shat outside. That cat was so cool he was almost like a dog. And then you know what happened? He left me for the crazy cat lady down the street. You know what a dog would never do? That.

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

NO LOVE FOR CAT PENIS?

NOPE.

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

You know what else dogs don't do?

Give you a brain parasite to make you like them.

Because they don't even need to.

[Salty]

You know what else dogs don't do?

Give you a brain parasite to make you like them.

Because they don't even need to.

OH JEEZE NIGEL, I AM NOT BEING CONTROLLED BY BRAIN PARASITES.

MY CAT LOVES ME AND I LOVE HER, SHE IS MY SPECIAL LADY AND A GOOD GIRL. FRY LIKES IT WHEN I BRING HER TURKEY, SHE IS A GOOD GIRL.

FRY LOVES ME AND YOU CANT TAKE THAT AWAY FROM US.

SHE IS A GOOD GIRL.

[East Coast Hustle]

Also, cats are not needy, dogs are.  And they're funny because they're assholes.

Dog: Sleeps 90% of the time, craps outside. Eats and drinks whatever. Likes to go to the beach once in a while.

Cat: sleeps all day, wakes me up every two hours all night long, only eats food that's the right brand and is half-crunchy, half-canned, won't drink day-old water, craps in a box that needs cleaning and changing all the time, is all the time wanting to be petted or else walking around meowing aimlessly at dust motes or imaginary ghosts or because the water in their bowl is slightly more than eight hours old.

Yeah, this. Dogs are easygoing pals who are usually happy with ANY PROGRAM. Cats are neurotic self-obsessed freaks who can't even be trained to provide any valuable services.

In theory, they kill rats and mice.

However, they also, apparently, ATTRACT rats and mice, so WTF???

I like rats. WAY more than I like cats, and almost as much as I like dogs.

[Freeky]

Rats are also fucking awesome.