Conquest of the Planet of the Bride of the Son of the Return of the Open Bar

[EK WAFFLR]

I want rats. But I can't have them, because I have cats. And, quite possibly brain parasites. 

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

You know what else dogs don't do?

Give you a brain parasite to make you like them.

Because they don't even need to.

OH JEEZE NIGEL, I AM NOT BEING CONTROLLED BY BRAIN PARASITES.

MY CAT LOVES ME AND I LOVE HER, SHE IS MY SPECIAL LADY AND A GOOD GIRL. FRY LIKES IT WHEN I BRING HER TURKEY, SHE IS A GOOD GIRL.

FRY LOVES ME AND YOU CANT TAKE THAT AWAY FROM US.

SHE IS A GOOD GIRL.

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

Also, cats are not needy, dogs are.  And they're funny because they're assholes.

Dog: Sleeps 90% of the time, craps outside. Eats and drinks whatever. Likes to go to the beach once in a while.

Cat: sleeps all day, wakes me up every two hours all night long, only eats food that's the right brand and is half-crunchy, half-canned, won't drink day-old water, craps in a box that needs cleaning and changing all the time, is all the time wanting to be petted or else walking around meowing aimlessly at dust motes or imaginary ghosts or because the water in their bowl is slightly more than eight hours old.

Yeah, this. Dogs are easygoing pals who are usually happy with ANY PROGRAM. Cats are neurotic self-obsessed freaks who can't even be trained to provide any valuable services.

In theory, they kill rats and mice.

However, they also, apparently, ATTRACT rats and mice, so WTF???

I like rats. WAY more than I like cats, and almost as much as I like dogs.

I like rats a lot. They're smart, social, and inquisitive, as well as just plain funny.

[Eater of Clowns]

Also, cats are not needy, dogs are.  And they're funny because they're assholes.

Dog: Sleeps 90% of the time, craps outside. Eats and drinks whatever. Likes to go to the beach once in a while.

Cat: sleeps all day, wakes me up every two hours all night long, only eats food that's the right brand and is half-crunchy, half-canned, won't drink day-old water, craps in a box that needs cleaning and changing all the time, is all the time wanting to be petted or else walking around meowing aimlessly at dust motes or imaginary ghosts or because the water in their bowl is slightly more than eight hours old.

Yeah, this. Dogs are easygoing pals who are usually happy with ANY PROGRAM. Cats are neurotic self-obsessed freaks who can't even be trained to provide any valuable services.

In theory, they kill rats and mice.

However, they also, apparently, ATTRACT rats and mice, so WTF???

I like rats. WAY more than I like cats, and almost as much as I like dogs.

I like rats a lot. They're smart, social, and inquisitive, as well as just plain funny.

Dogs are also more specialized - you get a cat and it's a fucking cat, except it looks different.  You get a terrier or a dachsund and it WANTS TO HUNT RATS, you get a border collie or a welsh corgie and IT WANTS TO HERD THINGS.

I'm a fan of rats, though.  I already had an affection for them, and then I read The Amazing Maurice and His Educated Rodents and I LOVED RATS.  Dammit Pratchett.

[Anna Mae Bollocks]

Also, cats are not needy, dogs are.  And they're funny because they're assholes.

Dog: Sleeps 90% of the time, craps outside. Eats and drinks whatever. Likes to go to the beach once in a while.

Cat: sleeps all day, wakes me up every two hours all night long, only eats food that's the right brand and is half-crunchy, half-canned, won't drink day-old water, craps in a box that needs cleaning and changing all the time, is all the time wanting to be petted or else walking around meowing aimlessly at dust motes or imaginary ghosts or because the water in their bowl is slightly more than eight hours old.

Dog: Is happy to see you when you get home. Watches your shit and lets you know when somebody comes around or something is happening (ok, sometimes that's just another dog passing by, but still.) Bites the fuck out of people who break in your house or act threatening towards you. Would happily throw his life away to save your ass.

Cat: Is aloof until you piss him off with some perceived affront, then goes on a vendetta pissing on your furniture, shitting in your bathtub and puking on your bed.

Yes. And most of the time you don't even know WHY. WHAT AM I DOING WRONG, YOU EVIL BASTARD?

Cats are like that one friend that you don't really know why you tolerate, because they want things from you all the time but don't actually add anything to your life.

Oh, except for brain parasites.

Thanks, cats!

This. Except they don't talk. So that's a bonus for the cat.

That also means they don't explain what you did to make them SUDDENLY START PISSING AND SHITTING AND PUKING ON YOUR FAVORITE THINGS FOREVER. A lot of my friends are cat people. Just this morning one told me that her cat pissed all over her when she was asleep. SHE TREATS THAT CAT LIKE FUCKING ROYALTY.

And while my dogs have always liked to be wherever I happen to be, even if it means leaving a comfortable spot, I wouldn't describe them as needy. They just hang out a few feet away and amuse themselves looking around at stuff or at worst, licking their balls.

[Cain]

"You can't talk to me like this!  You're not my father."

"Legally, I am in fact.  Also I can talk to you how I please.  Maybe if you stop trying to talk over me, interrupt me and argue with me then my tone will change.  Until then, you'll have to deal with it."

Ah, that felt good.

[Nephew Twiddleton]

"You can't talk to me like this!  You're not my father."

"Legally, I am in fact.  Also I can talk to you how I please.  Maybe if you stop trying to talk over me, interrupt me and argue with me then my tone will change.  Until then, you'll have to deal with it."

Ah, that felt good.

[Nephew Twiddleton]

I like rats. They have a lot of the benefits that cats have over dogs, but aren't cats. Plus they freak your mom out.

[Pope Pixie Pickle]

I don't even really like other people's kids. I don't hate them, I'm just not interested in kids. They're gross and germy and needy and demanding.

Fixt

Also, I could go on and on, pages if need be, about how much more better cats are than dogs. Pages.

I HAVE BRAIN PARASITES AND I DON'T CARE

I want a Siberian Forest Cat. they like walks on leads, water, and have mutt-like loyalty.

but without the yapping, noise, and muddy dog paws all up on your shit.

[Anna Mae Bollocks]

I keep seeing those flying fox fruit bats on facebook and they're awesome. Probably really difficult to keep as pets but they'd be even better than rats for freaking people out.

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

Also, cats are not needy, dogs are.  And they're funny because they're assholes.

Dog: Sleeps 90% of the time, craps outside. Eats and drinks whatever. Likes to go to the beach once in a while.

Cat: sleeps all day, wakes me up every two hours all night long, only eats food that's the right brand and is half-crunchy, half-canned, won't drink day-old water, craps in a box that needs cleaning and changing all the time, is all the time wanting to be petted or else walking around meowing aimlessly at dust motes or imaginary ghosts or because the water in their bowl is slightly more than eight hours old.

Dog: Is happy to see you when you get home. Watches your shit and lets you know when somebody comes around or something is happening (ok, sometimes that's just another dog passing by, but still.) Bites the fuck out of people who break in your house or act threatening towards you. Would happily throw his life away to save your ass.

Cat: Is aloof until you piss him off with some perceived affront, then goes on a vendetta pissing on your furniture, shitting in your bathtub and puking on your bed.

Yes. And most of the time you don't even know WHY. WHAT AM I DOING WRONG, YOU EVIL BASTARD?

Cats are like that one friend that you don't really know why you tolerate, because they want things from you all the time but don't actually add anything to your life.

Oh, except for brain parasites.

Thanks, cats!

This. Except they don't talk. So that's a bonus for the cat.

That also means they don't explain what you did to make them SUDDENLY START PISSING AND SHITTING AND PUKING ON YOUR FAVORITE THINGS FOREVER. A lot of my friends are cat people. Just this morning one told me that her cat pissed all over her when she was asleep. SHE TREATS THAT CAT LIKE FUCKING ROYALTY.

And while my dogs have always liked to be wherever I happen to be, even if it means leaving a comfortable spot, I wouldn't describe them as needy. They just hang out a few feet away and amuse themselves looking around at stuff or at worst, licking their balls.

They just need to be near you so that bears can't sneak up on you. Just in case.

[Cainad (dec.)]

I had an awesome cat once. Man, that cat was so awesome. He did his own thing and would just hang out in the same room with you and was super chill and shat outside. That cat was so cool he was almost like a dog. And then you know what happened? He left me for the crazy cat lady down the street. You know what a dog would never do? That.

My awesome cat was also basically a dog, except including the loyalty part. Funny enough, he didn't do much of the typical "cute" cat things either. Ate his damn kibble, killed the mice, and pooped where he was supposed to like any cat worth a damn should do.

I agree that cats are only interesting when they are doing things that cats don't typically do. Like this: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Im4TO03CuF8

[Anna Mae Bollocks]

Also, cats are not needy, dogs are.  And they're funny because they're assholes.

Dog: Sleeps 90% of the time, craps outside. Eats and drinks whatever. Likes to go to the beach once in a while.

Cat: sleeps all day, wakes me up every two hours all night long, only eats food that's the right brand and is half-crunchy, half-canned, won't drink day-old water, craps in a box that needs cleaning and changing all the time, is all the time wanting to be petted or else walking around meowing aimlessly at dust motes or imaginary ghosts or because the water in their bowl is slightly more than eight hours old.

Dog: Is happy to see you when you get home. Watches your shit and lets you know when somebody comes around or something is happening (ok, sometimes that's just another dog passing by, but still.) Bites the fuck out of people who break in your house or act threatening towards you. Would happily throw his life away to save your ass.

Cat: Is aloof until you piss him off with some perceived affront, then goes on a vendetta pissing on your furniture, shitting in your bathtub and puking on your bed.

Yes. And most of the time you don't even know WHY. WHAT AM I DOING WRONG, YOU EVIL BASTARD?

Cats are like that one friend that you don't really know why you tolerate, because they want things from you all the time but don't actually add anything to your life.

Oh, except for brain parasites.

Thanks, cats!

This. Except they don't talk. So that's a bonus for the cat.

That also means they don't explain what you did to make them SUDDENLY START PISSING AND SHITTING AND PUKING ON YOUR FAVORITE THINGS FOREVER. A lot of my friends are cat people. Just this morning one told me that her cat pissed all over her when she was asleep. SHE TREATS THAT CAT LIKE FUCKING ROYALTY.

And while my dogs have always liked to be wherever I happen to be, even if it means leaving a comfortable spot, I wouldn't describe them as needy. They just hang out a few feet away and amuse themselves looking around at stuff or at worst, licking their balls.

They just need to be near you so that bears can't sneak up on you. Just in case.

Kinda figured it was something like that. 

A CAT, OTOH, would PICK THE MOMENT a bear attack to lick his balls, and then look at you like "I'm just chillin', man" while you tried to stuff your intestines back in your abdominal cavity.

[Lenin McCarthy]

Some days I have the hardest time getting out of bed.

Other days I can bike 42 kilometres on dirty unpaved hilly roads. Like today.

Weird.

Also, me and some classmates just visited the children's ward at the hospital, and after that we cruised around town in an old red van, blasting Mozart.

[Cain]

"You can't talk to me like this!  You're not my father."

"Legally, I am in fact.  Also I can talk to you how I please.  Maybe if you stop trying to talk over me, interrupt me and argue with me then my tone will change.  Until then, you'll have to deal with it."

Ah, that felt good.

Bonus quotation: "I pay to live here, why shouldn't I be able to use the full facilities of the building?"

"No, you pay our company who pay the people who own this building, and we can specify exactly what facilities you get to use."

"Oh."

Also just found the little bastard's signed contract regarding the rules.  Apparently, he denies having ever signed such a thing.  Too bad for him, then.