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ITT: LMNO has inspired me (shameless schtick-stealing)

Started by tyrannosaurus vex, March 15, 2013, 06:09:01 PM

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tyrannosaurus vex

GENESIS 1

Prior to and in anticipation of present market opportunities, the Chief Executive designed a universal system by which both celestial and terrestrial holdings should operate. At that time, this system had not yet been fully realized, lacking both clear definition and direction, but the Chief Executive was fully committed to seeing the project through.

Persuant to the Original Charter, the Chief Executive issued a companywide memorandum establishing the policy of illumination, and the Company achieved positive first-quarter illumination results. The Chief Executive inspected the progress, approved it, and set forth operating rules governing the traversal from illumination to de-illumination and back again. This was the first Work Day.

On the second day, the Chief Executive issued a memorandum establishing a division between the liquid assets of the Employees and the liquid assets of the Executive Team. The Chief Executive called this division "The Corporate Hierarchy." And then the Chief Executive structured the liquid assets of the Employees such that they constituted a single pool, and aroud this pool were established a bank of cubicles and conference rooms. The pool of liquid assets were called the "Compensation Package," and the cubicles and conference rooms were called "Production."

On the third day of the Original Charter, the Chief Exeutive provided the Production department with dry erase boards and markers, legal tablets, cheap pens, warehouses full of copy paper, printers, and staplers.

On the fourth day, the Chief Executive sent out a team who installed flourescent lighting above the cubicles, which were to be switched on at 0600 sharp every day, so that the employees could produce.

On the fifth day, the Chief Executive began the hiring process to populate the Production department. Titles were created for every position: secretaries, concept coaches, and an array of project organizers and product owners. The Accountanting Department was created to oversee the Compensation Package.

Then, on the sixth day, the Chief Executive issued Memorandum 00764, saying "Let us create Middle Management: let the Middle Managers follow the Executive Dress Code; let them have dominion over as little as possible, zero advancement opportunity, and a larger than reasonable share of perceived responsibility for the health of the Company." And, so, Middle Management was created, and the Chief Executve held a Management Meeting and announced the first Weekend, which was to be a day of rest and respite. Naturally, all Employees and the Middle Management Team were expected to be at the office half an hour early to prepare for and maintain the forward momentum of the Company's plan to enhance the deliverability of its core product line.

On the seventh day, the Chief Executive played golf.
Evil and Unfeeling Arse-Flenser From The City of the Damned.

Salty

 :lulz: :lulz: :lulz:

That was fucking great. That'd make a great little pamphlet which I would place under the windshield wipers of many a strip-mall church-goer
The world is a car and you're the crash test dummy.

LMNO

Permission to print off and post around The Office.


Brillant, by the way.

tyrannosaurus vex


Genesis 2

Thus, the Company was founded. The Chief Executive reviewed the productivity reports from all departments and concluded that the Core Product Line was on schedule, and Company stock prices rose a total of 35% in the first week.

This is the official About Us page of the Company, and the Middle Management Team which was hired through an outside talent scouting firm, and trained to follow the sanctioned workflow processes of the Company.

The Chief Executive cleared the third floor of the Corporate Headquarters building, installed Sparkle Spring water coolers, and every corner of the floor had well-stocked restrooms, and there was a balcony facing the skyline, from which the view was spectacular.

Then the Chief Executive stationed the Middle Management team on the third floor, where every comfort was provided. The Chief Executive then issued a memorandum to the Middle Management team, instructing them that they should enjoy their spacious cubicles and occasionally make idle chit-chat by the water coolers, but they must not eat the candy in the centerpiece dish at the reception desk, because that was reserved for Clients.

And the Chief Executive, in his penthouse office, deliberated on the goodness of the Company.  Based on quarterly earnings reports, the Chief Executive decided that Middle Management ought to have a team of professionals to assist them in their duties. To this end, the Chief Executive separated out a portion of Middle Management and called them Department Directors, and commanded them to work in close cooperation with Middle Management, so that together the two teams would have dominion over important domains, authority to implement executive directives, and be widely held to be Fully Responsible.

And Middle Management agreed to this structure at the next quarterly meeting, saying the two teams would be well-equipped to enhance deliverables and spur noticeable growth over the next fiscal year.
Evil and Unfeeling Arse-Flenser From The City of the Damned.

tyrannosaurus vex

Quote from: LMNO, PhD (life continues) on March 15, 2013, 06:39:31 PM
Permission to print off and post around The Office.


Brillant, by the way.

granted and thank you


(and sorry if this seems like an imposition, you're better at this than me.... we should collaborate! ha)
Evil and Unfeeling Arse-Flenser From The City of the Damned.

LMNO

Oh, wow.  The probability of acheiving Poe's Law quickly approaches 1.

Mesozoic Mister Nigel

"I'm guessing it was January 2007, a meeting in Bethesda, we got a bag of bees and just started smashing them on the desk," Charles Wick said. "It was very complicated."


tyrannosaurus vex

Genesis 3
Now, there was a Contractor by the name of Louis, who was more crafty than any of the previous contractors hired by the Chief Executive. And he came to the third floor, and inquired of one of the Department Directors -- Ted Coburn the Director of Operations -- "Did the Chief Executive really say you can't eat this candy?" as he slipped a bite-sized Snickers bar from the centerpiece dish.

And Ted Coburn said to Louis, "We can enjoy all the ammenities of this office space, but we must never eat that candy. It is reserved for Clients."

Louise answered, "Well, who will know? And you are a Client in your own way, aren't you? You pay the company in your time, and the Company sells you this luxurious office and your are allowed to partake of the Compensation Package. Listen, if you eat just one little piece of candy, I'll bet you'll start to understand, and you'll see why the Chief Executive wants to hoard this from you."

Ted looked around shiftily and grabbed two Snickers bites from the bowl. He walked back to the office of Danielle Withers, who was the Junior Vice President of Outside Sales Region 3, and offered the candy to her, and the two of them ate the candy.

Then, the two of them knew immediately that they had transgressed the most important law of the Company. They looked for a place to hide the candy wrappers, but the cleaning crew had already visited that day and all the trash bins were clean. Anything left in there would be seen instantly. They would have shoved them in their pockets, but in those days the Executive Dress Code was a one-piece translucent unisex leotard with no pockets.

Then, they heard the Chief Executive in the hallway. She had come for the weekly Strategy Meeting. Ted and Danielle hid behind Danielle's desk. And the Chief Executive called out, "Ted! Danielle! Where are you? We need to strategize about next month's product launch in Region 7!"

The two managers finally stood, and the Chief Executive looked at them both quizzically. Danielle spoke first, "Ma'am, I was just... cleaning something off the bottom of my shoe when you walked by. I..."

The Chief Executive walked in and demanded to see what the fuss was about. "Let me see what I can do, Danielle." Danielle sheepishly stepped aside, revealing the candy wrapper on the floor where she had been standing.

"Where did THAT come from, Danielle?" asked the Chief Executive, "Have you been eating the Clients' candy from that dish at the reception desk? The one dish I told you was off limits?"

Danielle pointed at Ted. "HE brought the candy in! He gave it to me, and I didn't want to be RUDE. I was following Corporate Policy 37B, the one that states we should always accommodate the requests of coworkers if it doesn't interfere with Production."

The Chief Executive turned to Ted and asked, "Why did you do that? I TOLD you that candy is off limits! The Company can't just provide CANDY to everyone, you know. There's a price tag associated with that kind of thing, and such frivolous expenditures aren't in the company budget!"

Ted simply looked down and said, "Well.. there was this contractor... Louis. He ate some, and he offered it to me. It seemed harmless at the time..."

So the Chief Executive called Louis into the room and told him, "Because you have done this, from now on you are on bathroom detail only. You will have cleaning gloves, and you will always smell a little bad, and all the employees will assume you are less than they are because of your daily tasks. And you will lurk in the hallways, being very polite, and no one will ever invite you to any company functions."

And the Chief executive said to Ted, "Because of recent events you will no longer have access to the refreshments on this floor, and you will need to do manual labor like lifting boxes and talking to outside vendors yourself. No more putting that off on the employees."

And to Danielle, she said "I am taking away your MacBook Pro, and you will now be responsible for 50% of your health insurance premiums and 75% of your company cell phone bill."

And all of Middle Management and the Department Directors were moved down to the First Floor, where Shipping & Receiving is, and forced to work in cramped cubicles forever.
Evil and Unfeeling Arse-Flenser From The City of the Damned.

LMNO


tyrannosaurus vex

CANNOT STOP

Genesis 4

Middle Management held a meeting with the Department Directors, and they structured a coherent and achievable goal to maximize the Company's human capital output. Two interns were brought on board, one named Carl, to oversee the continued maintenance of refreshments and facilities, and another one, Alvin, to facilitate high-quality interdepartmental cooperative communication.

Each of these interns was to report file reports on their work weekly to the Chief Executive, who would review the reports in a timely manner and respond with encouragement and constructive suggestions. One week, the Chief Executive commended Alvin for achieving a succinct accountability plan which would help departments check one another's progress on various projects; but she rejected Carl's report, which consisted mainly of complaints received from employees but proposed no action plan to adequately address these difficulties. Carl, fearful of losing this non-paying but slightly prestigious internship, became despondent and angry, and the quality of his work product experienced negative movement.

The Chief Executive, having noticed Carl's questionably acceptable performance, sent an email to him asking, "Carl, what can the Company do to increase your satisfaction with your position? We feel we have provided more than adequate incentive for your work quality to improve. Remember, if you fail to meet the Employee Expectations, you risk losing your position with the Company."

Carl grew even more desperate in his desire to outshine his coworkers, and felt he had no choice. He invited Alvin to a private lunch at the Food Court. When Alvin showed up, Carl told Alvin his position had been eliminated and not to come back to the office. Alvin was shocked, but knowing the job market was hardly conducive to his continued internship (even without pay), he believed Carl, and left.

After a rigorous review of employee attendance behaviors, the Chief Executive questioned Carl about Alvin, to see if he had seen him. "I don't know where Alvin is, Ma'am," Carl replied shakily, "I'm not Alvin's immediate supervisor."

The Chief Executive remained unconvinced that Carl's intentions were entirely benign, and did further investigation by contacting Alvin and learning the whole story. She returned to Carl and immediately dismissed him.

"This punishment is more than I deserve! I can't believe you're firing me just for telling an unpaid intern he didn't have to work for free!" Carl complained, but to no avail.

The Chief Executive sent Carl out of the Corporate Headquarters completely, but feeling a little sorry for him, made a note that he was an earnest worker on his employment record, so that he could seek meaningful opportunities in other employment venues.

Meanwhile, Carl's and Alvin's positions were consolidated and filled with a new, paid, full-time employee named Seth, who reported to the Middle Management Team. From that point on, the Chief Executive has been barricaded in her penthouse suite and has seldom sent any direct communication to anyone, relying on the wisdom of Middle Management and the Department Directors to plan, implement, and enforce Company directives and policy.
Evil and Unfeeling Arse-Flenser From The City of the Damned.

Mesozoic Mister Nigel

"I'm guessing it was January 2007, a meeting in Bethesda, we got a bag of bees and just started smashing them on the desk," Charles Wick said. "It was very complicated."


Golden Applesauce

Q: How regularly do you hire 8th graders?
A: We have hired a number of FORMER 8th graders.

tyrannosaurus vex

Genesis 5

This document outlines the successive iterations of Middle Management. On the sixth day of the first work week, the Chief Executive, whose full and official title is Lead Officer Responsible for Definitive Global Outreach Directives (or LORDGOD), established Middle Management to coordinate with and oversee the general operations of the Company.

The specific names of individual members of the Middle Management are on record with the Company and the Company's attorney, but have been withheld from this Document in order to enhance readability. For a complete listing of these members, contact the law firm of Ho, Lee and Goste, in writing, at least 60 days prior to the date you will need access to the information.

All requests are subject to the approval of Company and/or Company attorneys, notwithstanding court orders such as as subpoena or properly certified search warrant.


Genesis 6

At a certain point during the third fiscal quarter of a particularly busy year, very close to a major product rebranding and relaunch, it became apparent that the ranks of Middle Management had grown to a point of diminishing returns. It was also brought to the Chief Executive's attention that certain members of Middle Management, and most of the Department Directors, as well as practically all of the general employee population, had been fraternizing inappropriately with the contractors outside of normal business hours. In an effort to minimize such inappropriate behavior, the Chief Executive instituted an absolute limit on the length of use of any Contractor of no more than 120 days.

This approach showed promise, but the reality of events on the ground led the Chief Executive to a critical rethinking of the Company's entire Mission Statement. Finally, the Chief Executive arrived at the uncomfortable but necessary conclusion that the best path going forward was to completely disband the Company, sell its assets, shift the profits into unnamed off-shore accounts so as to avoid paying the inevitable unemployment insurance claims, and retire.

The Chief Executive had all the necessary paperwork drawn up and was on her way through the main lobby when she noticed one employee, diligently typing away at his terminal as if the whole world was a bull market. This employee, named Noah, had a spotless employment record and had successfully delivered a stunning PowerPoint demonstration on the importance of the Corporate Compliance Policy at a sales meeting not three weeks before, even though no one had been listening (too busy texting their ex-contractor boyfriends and girlfriends, no doubt).

The Chief Executive approached Noah, and told him about her plans to disband the company. "It has been decided by the Executive Team that the company is unable to satisfactorily fulfill its mission statement, given the state of the workforce in this region," she said in a calculated, matter-of-fact tone. "We have therefore determined that our best option at this juncture is to sythesize a positive singularity of re-employment potential for everyone who works here."

Noah was shaken, but the Chief Executive continued, "Except for you, Noah. We have had our eyes on you, and we know your dedication to the Company. We know you truly believe in the Mission Statement, so we'd like to keep you on, if that's all right with you."

Noah nodded, sweating a little.

"We want you to go to the stock room and gather two each of every item sold or distributed by the Company. Deposit these into the broom closet on the second floor of the Corporate Headquarters building. Then, invite your family here and you also take refuge in that closet, until I come to get you."


Genesis 7

Noah and his family -- three sons and his sons' wives -- acquired safe harbor in the broom closet on the second floor and waited. Forty days and forty nights passed, and outside the closet Noah and his family heard wailing and gnashing of teeth; the sounds of pink slips flying like a blizzard; and, eventually, utter silence. The Chief Executive had instituted the Corporate Workforce Refresh Policy, and there was no sound at all in the Corporate Headquarters building.


Genesis 8

So, after the forty days and nights had passed, Noah awoke to the sound of a copy machine whirring back to life. "Oh Joy!" he exclaimed, "The Chief Executive has re-established mutually amicable ties with the Production Department!"

The Chief Executive came to Noah and said, "Come out of that closet, Noah, you and your family, and restock the stock room with the products you saved from the flood of investigators and lawyers and regulators who have just left." And Noah did so.

Then the Chief Executive spoke to Noah again, saying, "Now, please form an Employment Committee and begin parsing through this pile of resumes and applications. We need to quickly bring the Production team back up to operation capacity."

Noah was grateful and established a web page on the Company website praising the Chief Executive for her generosity and mercy. When the Chief Executive saw this, she resolved that she would never again subject her human resources to universal immediate dismissal.
Evil and Unfeeling Arse-Flenser From The City of the Damned.

Mesozoic Mister Nigel

 :lulz:

This is truly outstanding. I'm enjoying it a great deal.
"I'm guessing it was January 2007, a meeting in Bethesda, we got a bag of bees and just started smashing them on the desk," Charles Wick said. "It was very complicated."


tyrannosaurus vex

Evil and Unfeeling Arse-Flenser From The City of the Damned.