IS VISIT FROM FRIENDLY NEIGHBORHOOD PANGO!

[PANGO!]

IF YOU DOGS HAVE LEARN ANYTHING AT ALL DURING SHORT TIME ON DOOMED BALL OF POISON YOU CALL PLANET, YOU SHOULD KNOW THAT DR. PANGO IS LIKE SUPER HERO. UNLIKE BATMAN, HOWEVER, YOU CANNOT SUMMON DR. PANGO WITH OVERCOMPENSATORY FLASHLIGHT AIMED AT SOME PASSING CLOUDS. NO, DR. PANGO IS FORCE SUMMONED ONLY BY SCREECHING HOWL OF TEN THOUSAND BUTTS UNITED IN THEIR HURT. THAT IS TO SAY, BY YOUR BUTTHURT COMBINED, I AM CAPTAIN DR. PANGO. AND FEAR NOT, GELATINOUS MORTAL BLOBS, DR. PANGO IS HERE TO SAVE DAY.

ON LARGE MONITOR OF EVIL SCIENCE, THIS WEBSITE USUALLY PLAY SMALL BUT ENTERTAINING ROLE AS REPOSITORY OF MILDLY AMUSING MALARKY. HOWEVER, FOR PAST WEEK, RED ALARMS HAVE BEEN SOUNDING ABOUT IMPENDING BUTTHURT ATTACK, AND IS TIME NOW FOR DR. PANGO TO SWOOP IN LIKE MIGHTY MOUSE AND FUCK YOUR EYE SOCKETS WITH DIGITIZED TEXT OF WISDOM ONCE AGAIN.

DR. PANGO REALIZE SOMETIMES THE DIFFICULTY IN DEALING WITH FELLOW PRIMATES. REJOICE, HOWEVER, THAT SOON YOUR SPECIES WILL BE DUST AND/OR ASH, AND DR. PANGO WILL RULE OVER UTOPIAN SOCIETY OF COCKROACHES, SINGLE-CELL FUNGUS, AND PICTURESQUE REMAINS OF EVERYTHING YOU TOOTHLESS DONKEYS ONCE HELD SACRED. IS ONLY MATTER OF TIME (AND PLUTONIUM). BEST CASE SCENARIO FOR YOU, YOU HAVE FEW GENERATIONS LEFT BEFORE THE END OF YOUR EXISTENCE. WORST CASE, FEW DAYS. EITHER WAY RESULT IS SAME: NO MORE OPPRESSION, NO MORE GREED, NO MORE TAXES, NO MORE DRUGS, NO MORE THINGS. ONLY SWEET, SATISFYING SILENCE.

SO DR. PANGO SUGGEST FOLLOWING SIMPLE RULES TO GUIDE YOU THROUGH REMAINING TIME UNTIL YOU ARE ALL VAPORIZED IN BLINDING BOMB OF ENLIGHTENMENT:

1. GROWN UP PEOPLE CAN MAKE GROWN UP CHOICES. ONE OR MORE OF THESE CHOICES MAY LEAD TO INCARCERATION. IS NO MYSTERY. IF YOU DO NO LIKE IT, CALL COMPLAINT LINE.
2. ONLY TWO THINGS CERTAIN IN LIFE: DEATH, TAXES, AND TERRIBLE MATH SKILLS. THESE ARE NOT FOR DEBATE, SO STOP THE DEBATE. FUCK.
3. SOME PEOPLE ARE FUCKSTICKS. DR. PANGO SUGGEST YOU DO BEST TO AVOID BEING ONE OF THESE FUCKSTICKS. ALSO SUGGEST, IF YOU SEE SOMEONE NOT BEING A FUCKSTICK, DO NOT WONDER WHAT THE REASON IS BEHIND IT. THAT COUNTS AS BEING FUCKSTICK, AND YOU LOSE.

IN CLOSING, DR. PANGO WILL LIKE TO TAKE OPPORTUNITY TO EXPRESS SINCERE GRATITUDE THAT IN MODERATE PERIOD SINCE LAST VISIT, YOU HAVE DONE NOTHING TO ENDANGER MOTIVATION FOR EXPLODING YOUR PLANET LIKE RIPE PIMPLE ON OTHERWISE SMOOTH, SEXY FACE OF SPACETIME.

KEEP IT UP, DONKEYS, KEEP IT

[Anna Mae Bollocks]

I really, really like this guy. 

[The Good Reverend Roger]

DR PANGO:

The object became lodged, and despite the use of forceps, a porta-power, and a sterile crowbar, it will not budge.  Do you have any advice?

Signed,
Uncomfortable in Tucson.

[PANGO!]

DR PANGO:

The object became lodged, and despite the use of forceps, a porta-power, and a sterile crowbar, it will not budge.  Do you have any advice?

Signed,
Uncomfortable in Tucson.

WHY YOU ARE ASK FOR ADVICE ALREADY? DR. PANGO DID NOT EVEN SEE "CHAINSAW FITTED WITH AUTOMATIC TWEEZERS FOR TEETH" INCLUDED IN LIST OF THINGS ALREADY TRIED.

PLEASE RETURN TO OFFICE WHEN YOU ARE SERIOUS ABOUT RESOLVING PROBLEM, IRREVERENT ROGER.

[Anna Mae Bollocks]

Dr. Pango: I often feel that the state where I live is moving backwards rather than forwards. How can I effect change?

[PANGO!]

Dr. Pango: I often feel that the state where I live is moving backwards rather than forwards. How can I effect change?

IF FUNDS AVAILABLE, ENORMOUS, 25-STORY JET-ENGINE ATTACHED TO GROUND AND FIRED TOWARD SUNRISE OUGHT TO DO TRICK.

OTHERWISE, DRINK UNTIL THE WORLD SPINS FORWARD.

UNLESS YOU MEAN TEXAS, IN WHICH CASE, MOVE.

[Anna Mae Bollocks]

100% TROOF. 

[PANGO!]

DR. PANGO WAS GOING TO SET UP SECRET UNDERGROUND SCIENCE BASE 50 FLOORS BELOW ALBUQUERQUE AT ONE TIME. HAD REAL ESTATE PURCHASED AND EVERYTHING. BUT THEN RESULTS OF 1974 ELECTION COME IN AND WAS APPARENT THAT DR. PANGO DO NOT WANT TO BE ANYWHERE IN NEW MEXICO WHEN TEXAS AND ARIZONA FINALLY DECIDE TO FUCK.

[The Good Reverend Roger]

DR. PANGO WAS GOING TO SET UP SECRET UNDERGROUND SCIENCE BASE 50 FLOORS BELOW ALBUQUERQUE AT ONE TIME. HAD REAL ESTATE PURCHASED AND EVERYTHING. BUT THEN RESULTS OF 1974 ELECTION COME IN AND WAS APPARENT THAT DR. PANGO DO NOT WANT TO BE ANYWHERE IN NEW MEXICO WHEN TEXAS AND ARIZONA FINALLY DECIDE TO FUCK.

ARIZONA ISN'T THAT KIND OF GIRL!

[PANGO!]

DR. PANGO WAS GOING TO SET UP SECRET UNDERGROUND SCIENCE BASE 50 FLOORS BELOW ALBUQUERQUE AT ONE TIME. HAD REAL ESTATE PURCHASED AND EVERYTHING. BUT THEN RESULTS OF 1974 ELECTION COME IN AND WAS APPARENT THAT DR. PANGO DO NOT WANT TO BE ANYWHERE IN NEW MEXICO WHEN TEXAS AND ARIZONA FINALLY DECIDE TO FUCK.

ARIZONA ISN'T THAT KIND OF GIRL!

WHEN STATES ARE THAT RED, DOES NOT MATTER WHAT KIND OF GIRL YOU ARE. IS CONSENSUAL NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS.

[Eater of Clowns]

Dear Dr. Pango,

I'm a long-time fan.  Really, I mean the way you continuosly threaten us with poisonous clouds of ruin and justice, I just get chills.

[PANGO!]

Dear Dr. Pango,

I'm a long-time fan.  Really, I mean the way you continuosly threaten us with poisonous clouds of ruin and justice, I just get chills.

DR. PANGO APPRECIATE SENTIMENT, AND ALSO LOVE YOU. AS BONUS, DR. PANGO WILL LIKE TO OFFER CURE FOR SAID CHILLS: RED-HOT BLAST FURNACE OF SCREAMING RADIOACTIVE DEATH.

DO NOT CALL! ORDER ALREADY PLACED!

[Q. G. Pennyworth]

Dr. Pango,

I am finding I need more arms to accomplish all the kitchen tasks ahead of me, what do you recommend?

[The Good Reverend Roger]

Dr. Pango,

I am finding I need more arms to accomplish all the kitchen tasks ahead of me, what do you recommend?

OH GAWD!  I'M COVERING MY HEAD!

TGRR,
Off to his happy place.

[PANGO!]

Dr. Pango,

I am finding I need more arms to accomplish all the kitchen tasks ahead of me, what do you recommend?

FELLOW SUPER-HERO SPIDER-MAN ONCE HAD NEMESIS BY NAME OF "DR OCTOPUS." LET PANGO TELL YOU, DR OCTOPUS WAS PUSSY*. EIGHT ARMS? WHAT FUCK YOU WILL DO WITH ONLY EIGHT LITTLE ARMS. IS DISGRACE TO SCIENCE! EIGHT IS BARELY ENOUGH TO MAINTAIN AUTOEROTIC MAXIMUM WHILE ACCOMPLISHING DAILY TASKS. IS INADEQUATE.

BUT DR. PANGO DIGRESS.

IN YOUR CASE, DR. PANGO RECOMMEND EXPERIMENT INVOLVING 5 ANNOYING NEIGHBORS, FRESH (NOT EMBALMED!) BODY OF LOCAL SHERIFF, AND ARRAY OF FIVE OR SIX MONKEYS FROM ZOO. DO NOT WORRY, DNA MOSTLY COMPATIBLE. ALSO YOU WILL NEED ONE DEFIBRILLATOR, TWO TAZERS, AND APPROXIMATE ONE MILE OF STERILE SUTURES. JUST PLAY AROUND. BE "BETSY ROSS" OF SURGICAL EXPERIMENTATION. DR. PANGO PROMISE WILL WORK. OR, AT LEAST, KITCHEN DUTIES WILL FADE ON LIST OF PRIORITIES.