When Occam's Razor is held by the blade...

[I_Kicked_Kennedy]

So our long national phantasm seems to have hit the exhaust valve. They got Suspect #2. From herein I will refer to them as 1 and 2, as I really don't have the energy to look up the proper spelling of their name, let alone repeat it throughout everything that will I will spew, henceforth. He was captured hiding in a boat, under a tarp, like a scared little boy. For most of us Americans, that's how we have been since Monday.

Let's start with Monday. The real explosion was the detonation of the dreaded thermonuclear media, which leads us up to the mountain pass; and "...beyond is a different country." Or, so you would think, at first glance. I was in the doctor's office, waiting for my follow up appointment to remove some stitches and end a lengthy recovery from what seemed a minor accident, at first. I looked up at the television to see Fox News blowing up, and the words "Multiple explosions at the Boston Marathon" on the screen. I shook my head and looked down at my iPhone. It's not so much that I didn't care, at the time. I didn't want to care. I didn't want to go through another media orgy, where the prompt and careless fucking of every crevice within reach was the objective, rather than pursuit of making sure all those involved are embraced in the manner they deserve.

A woman sitting next to me looked over and said, "Did you see this?" Almost as if she was under the sick impression I was going to be able to avoid it, somehow. "Lady," I wanted to say, "The media's got an unattended backpack for every one of us. I can assure you I'll get the brunt of it, same as everyone else." But my reply was simply an acknowledging grunt and a "What are ya gonna do?" shrug. She seemed bothered by this. She leaned over and said, "Those better not be Muslim bombs." I couldn't contain myself, at this point. "What are Muslim bombs?" I asked, feigning earnestness. "Oh, you know," she exclaimed...

"The kind that kill innocent people."

Ah, unlike those American bombs that are designed with such precision, not one civilian Iraqi, Afghan, Libyan, Japanese, Korean, Vietnamese, or Bosnian has ever felt it's wrath. Only evil folks get hit by those. If I had the energy or wherewithal, I would have warned her how careless our American bombs can be.

Like the one that hit Sunil Trapathi's family. Or the one that hit the guy in the blue robe with shrapnel. Or maybe, and it pains me to admit, the one aimed at the backwoods Libertarian militia types. The ones descending upon Russians, Chechens, and lukewarm delusional Muslims. Granted, these bombs may not break a single skin cell on those folks, but like my poor spleen three weeks ago... sometimes the most devastating injuries can't be seen, or noticed, until you slowly bleed out without dropping as much as a single drop of life onto the pavement. Where's the regard, or push for getting those people justice? What have we done to deserve a Fourth Estate more concerned with conducting itself like TMZ commenters rushing to each new post with "First!" in lieu of trying to communicate thoughtful and accurate analysis of something this discombobulating?

But the live feed is offline, and the reporters are checking out of the hotels; heading back to their respective homes. Those lacking limbs, family, friends, or the heart to carry on...? Well, the dead will bury the dead, I guess. There's other spectacles to capture. This one's at its afterglow. 5 dead, over 100 injured, and a very confused teen is sitting in a hospital with a Demerol drip, trying to make sense of the chaos and the mistakes he made. Those who lost their children in Sandy Hook elementary are grieving somewhere, living with an inescapable pain the rest of the country anesthetized themselves to with a quick change of the channel and return to their daily banality some will never regain. Their children's photos are frozen in time, but thoughtfully cached by Google and its brethren.

Meanwhile, this. But the family and friends of those 27 innocent people should have known better than to live in a Middle Eastern country or, at the least, not schedule their tragedy so soon after we had a sporting event rudely interrupted with something we typically outsource to nations such as theirs. As crass as it may have seemed at the time, this was probably the most polite manner in which certain countries could have offered their condolences.

Not to say Krystle Campbell, Martin Richard, Lu Lingzi, deserved even a scratch. Or Sean Collier, for that matter. He served and protected, and without his efforts, it's very possible we would be still wondering just what happened to Suspect 1 and 2. We never did find John Doe #2, did we? But do we extend the same heartfelt regard for his sacrifice as we do these 13 policemen? I had trouble finding this tragedy on CNN.

I was not immune to being sucked in to this cultural psychosis. While on Reddit, a thread began (which has since been deleted, but replaced with this) when someone posted a link to a live feed of the Boston Police and EMS scanner, saying that police were heading to a property to investigate. From there, things took a turn for the weird. The address proved to be a simple domestic complaint, and redditors actually expressed disappointment that they were robbed of experiencing history, firsthand. Fate would have the last laugh. A 7-11 robbery came over the radio, which everyone promptly ignored as (if I remember the quote, accurately) "...routine for big cities like Boston.". A few minutes later, when the call came over the radio exclaiming "Officer down!" everyone went into a frenzy, but still thought it an unrelated phenomenon, and there was a discussion of whether to move it into a different subreddit, or delete it altogether (which may have been the reason it was). But the folly continued, and I stayed up until 3 o'clock listening in and posting, like every other idiot in that thread. What's interesting is that it was a long time before it was revealed the robbery and shooting of the officer were actually related to the events of the Boston Marathon Bombing. I wish the thread still existed, because it was a perfectly poignant specimen of how a large group of people all over the world could have unfettered access to so much information, yet the true narrative got lost in the cacophony and alarum of what those that participated considered thoughtful observation.

Perhaps, the worst is still ahead of us. With all the pesky logistics out of the way, America can now feel free to speculate to the motives of this act. Suspect 1 was well trained in the art of savagely injuring another man for sport. Suspect 2 was very successful in his efforts to overpower opponents with force, in hopes an objective third party would formally recognize it with a forceful slap on the mat.  Both grew up, spent most of their lives, and were citizens of a country with one of the highest violent crime rates in the industrialized world. That would seem the simplest of explanations.

"But," many would rightfully assert, "There are millions of people who partake in boxing and wrestling, worldwide. There are hundreds of millions of Americans who don't commit acts of terror. There are scores of people who use pressure cookers for nothing more violent than kickass pot roasts. You can't ascribe these variables to the actions of individuals."

Sadly, the objectiveness corrodes, and the same people will then observe that Suspect 2 liked Islam on social networking sites (as 1.6 billion people worldwide would), both had been born in Chechnya, and lived some of their younger years in what used to be part of the Soviet Union, and Suspect 1 took a holiday to Russia. To listen to these deranged self-professed profilers, the simplest explanation is that these two were sleeper Soviet operatives, programmed before they were run out of their homeland to destroy America (the Free), brainwashed by a religion of which 98% are non-violent, only to have their body count beaten by the spontaneous combustion of material we use to make plants grow.

That's the simplest answer, right?

But to the rest of us, the hypothesis with the fewest assumptions is this:

By the Constitution we hold as the foundation of this great country they are innocent until a court of their peers... Americans, I must reiterate... finds them guilty, and whomever is to blame for what happened in Boston on Monday was an asshole.

But their peers have already started tying the noose before the jury has been selected. With the ubiquitous nature of today's global media reach, the only place Suspect 2 will get a fair trial is Shangri La. Somewhere, James Holmes languishes in a cell, playing with his eyebrows and wondering if someone could ever genetically construct a blue raddish, and Jared Loughner masturbates furiously to the thought of raping Spongebob Squarepants. Ryan Lanza's a pile of ashes at points unknown. Their names will far outlast those of their unfortunate victims, and America will carry on until the next media spectacle shakes its keys in front of the population.

Somewhere I and millions of law-abiding people with a serious concern for my fellow man will sit to the side, hoping that one day we'll snap out of this hysteria, and return to the simplest understanding of why we are here and what is happening in the world around us: "We're here to help each other get through this thing. Whatever it is."

[tyrannosaurus vex]

Five stars, would read again! A lot of truth packed in there. And excellent writing too. I would like to think the hysteria will end eventually, but there's always someone making sure we never run out.

[MMIX]

Best piece I have read on this hideous mess. Very perceptive.

[Elder Iptuous]

bravo, man!
excellent piece.

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

That was really good writing, and a really perceptive piece. Well-done.

[P3nT4gR4m]

fuck! Meant to you for this and to add that the title should be :newsfeed: