NYC = Bollocks

[tyrannosaurus vex]

A rant about one man's quest to find a fucking cup of coffee in New York at 11:30 PM.

So I'm in NYC. PARTYING HARD, naturally. This is the BIG APPLE. The City that Never Sleeps. Oh, shit look at the time. 11:30 PM! I better refuel so I can keep Never Sleeping and all. How about some coffee! I'll just go whip some up in the hotel room.

Oh fuck! This hotel room features literally ZERO coffee makers! That's weird, because every god damn hotel room I've ever stayed in, even in shitty podunk places in god-forsaken Wyoming have coffee makers. Oh well, there must be some brewing downstairs.

Oh wait! I forgot, this hotel isn't any normal hotel. This place seems to think it's a fucking night club. Some rip-off of Ace of Base is attacking me in the elevator, and when I get downstairs I remember that there is no coffee up in this biotch at all. It's fucking wall-to-wall hipsters. Coffee is for corporate STOOGES, man. I'm supposed to go into one of the three or so built-in scene bars here, mingle with these bespectacled, fedora-clad fucksticks with elbow patches, smell their shitty cologne, and pay $27 for a weak ass, non-coffee-based mixed drink so I can look like I was drinking shitty alcohol before it was even cool.

Well... fuck that. I'm going outside. This is the City that Never Sleeps. I'll just go find a Starbucks. Fuck you, hipsters.

Hmm. Three blocks down and counting. I've passed no fewer than 5 Starbucks now, along with a 2,000 or so other shops, and apparently not only does New York, in fact, sleep, it  at passes out behind the wheel at like 7 god-damn PM. And I'm not really asking for a whole lot here. It's 11:30 PM on a Tuesday, and I'd like a cup of coffee. How fucking WEIRD, I guess.

What the fuck kind of international city closes all the coffee shops at 10PM. The fucked up kind, that's what. You people need to take a few cues from real towns like Tokyo and Tucson, where no matter what else may or may not be going down, you can always find a fucking cup of joe.

[The Good Reverend Roger]

Damn straight.  The Circle K - and there's ALWAYS a Circle K - keeps no less than 9 different flavors going in a bank of coffee pots that would make Josephus Daniels weep like a little boy. 

They know the consequences of failure, here in the city that sleeps with one eye open.

[The Johnny]

YOU COULD

                order an vodka with Red Bull

OR

               carry your own microwave while travelling

[Suu]

A rant about one man's quest to find a fucking cup of coffee in New York at 11:30 PM.

So I'm in NYC. PARTYING HARD, naturally. This is the BIG APPLE. The City that Never Sleeps. Oh, shit look at the time. 11:30 PM! I better refuel so I can keep Never Sleeping and all. How about some coffee! I'll just go whip some up in the hotel room.

Oh fuck! This hotel room features literally ZERO coffee makers! That's weird, because every god damn hotel room I've ever stayed in, even in shitty podunk places in god-forsaken Wyoming have coffee makers. Oh well, there must be some brewing downstairs.

Oh wait! I forgot, this hotel isn't any normal hotel. This place seems to think it's a fucking night club. Some rip-off of Ace of Base is attacking me in the elevator, and when I get downstairs I remember that there is no coffee up in this biotch at all. It's fucking wall-to-wall hipsters. Coffee is for corporate STOOGES, man. I'm supposed to go into one of the three or so built-in scene bars here, mingle with these bespectacled, fedora-clad fucksticks with elbow patches, smell their shitty cologne, and pay $27 for a weak ass, non-coffee-based mixed drink so I can look like I was drinking shitty alcohol before it was even cool.

Well... fuck that. I'm going outside. This is the City that Never Sleeps. I'll just go find a Starbucks. Fuck you, hipsters.

Hmm. Three blocks down and counting. I've passed no fewer than 5 Starbucks now, along with a 2,000 or so other shops, and apparently not only does New York, in fact, sleep, it  at passes out behind the wheel at like 7 god-damn PM. And I'm not really asking for a whole lot here. It's 11:30 PM on a Tuesday, and I'd like a cup of coffee. How fucking WEIRD, I guess.

What the fuck kind of international city closes all the coffee shops at 10PM. The fucked up kind, that's what. You people need to take a few cues from real towns like Tokyo and Tucson, where no matter what else may or may not be going down, you can always find a fucking cup of joe.

You're obviously in Midtown.

You need to go downtown to Washington Square by NYU or up to W 109th near Columbia. There's a couple of places on 34th West of MSG, also. Diners. A bit touristy, but you'll get a fucking cup of coffee.

[East Coast Hustle]

NYC is a festering pit of shithole-ness whose shithole-ness is only exceeded by the inexplicable attitude of the locals that they live in the biggest most important place ever.

It's not even the biggest or most important city in the US, and for late-night fun it shouldn't even make the list.

[Suu]

NYC is a festering pit of shithole-ness whose shithole-ness is only exceeded by the inexplicable attitude of the locals that they live in the biggest most important place ever.

It's not even the biggest or most important city in the US, and for late-night fun it shouldn't even make the list.

No city in the Northeast does. Fucking Puritans. Blue laws are wicked queeh. Then again, so is stopping public transit at midnight in Boston.

Also, for someone who doesn't live on this coast anymore, you talk a lot of shit, Lefty.......Which is a good thing, because that means you haven't digressed into that passive aggressive PNW bullshit.

[tyrannosaurus vex]

The Eastern Seaboard is full of the descendants of the people who were too scared to get on a covered wagon and head into the vast unknown with nothing but a six-gun, a satchel full of stale bread, and smallpox to keep them company. I am unsurprised at its present lack of adventurous spirit, the natives opting instead to hunker down in their dens by about 6 PM or so. After that, the only people on the streets are Europeans pissing on things and exhausted tourists wondering what happened to the street performers. And the homeless, of course, but they don't really have much choice.

[East Coast Hustle]

NYC is a festering pit of shithole-ness whose shithole-ness is only exceeded by the inexplicable attitude of the locals that they live in the biggest most important place ever.

It's not even the biggest or most important city in the US, and for late-night fun it shouldn't even make the list.

No city in the Northeast does. Fucking Puritans. Blue laws are wicked queeh. Then again, so is stopping public transit at midnight in Boston.

Also, for someone who doesn't live on this coast anymore, you talk a lot of shit, Lefty.......Which is a good thing, because that means you haven't digressed into that passive aggressive PNW bullshit.

Everett isn't like the rest of the PNW.

We're like Seattle's Worcester.

[Suu]

The Eastern Seaboard is full of the descendants of the people who were too scared to get on a covered wagon and head into the vast unknown with nothing but a six-gun, a satchel full of stale bread, and smallpox to keep them company. I am unsurprised at its present lack of adventurous spirit, the natives opting instead to hunker down in their dens by about 6 PM or so. After that, the only people on the streets are Europeans pissing on things and exhausted tourists wondering what happened to the street performers. And the homeless, of course, but they don't really have much choice.

You get the fuck out of my part of the country. Right. Now.

We're like Seattle's Worcester.

That doesn't exactly say much. 

[East Coast Hustle]

Vex is totally right about that, though. If it weren't for the immigrants, most of the east coast would have no redeeming value at all.

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

NYC is a festering pit of shithole-ness whose shithole-ness is only exceeded by the inexplicable attitude of the locals that they live in the biggest most important place ever.

It's not even the biggest or most important city in the US, and for late-night fun it shouldn't even make the list.

No city in the Northeast does. Fucking Puritans. Blue laws are wicked queeh. Then again, so is stopping public transit at midnight in Boston.

Also, for someone who doesn't live on this coast anymore, you talk a lot of shit, Lefty.......Which is a good thing, because that means you haven't digressed into that passive aggressive PNW bullshit.

Northeasterners always think Northwesterners are passive aggressive. You just don't speak our language. We really are that friendly, but that doesn't mean we like you.

[The Good Reverend Roger]

NYC is a festering pit of shithole-ness whose shithole-ness is only exceeded by the inexplicable attitude of the locals that they live in the biggest most important place ever.

It's not even the biggest or most important city in the US, and for late-night fun it shouldn't even make the list.

No city in the Northeast does. Fucking Puritans. Blue laws are wicked queeh. Then again, so is stopping public transit at midnight in Boston.

Also, for someone who doesn't live on this coast anymore, you talk a lot of shit, Lefty.......Which is a good thing, because that means you haven't digressed into that passive aggressive PNW bullshit.

Northeasterners always think Northwesterners are passive aggressive. You just don't speak our language. We really are that friendly, but that doesn't mean we like you.

[Suu]

The feeling is mutual.

Unless you're ECH, and you can't decide what part of the country you're from.

[The Good Reverend Roger]

We here in Tucson LOVE YOU BOTH.  LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE.  We love you so much that if we can't have you, NOBODY CAN.

[Suu]

We here in Tucson LOVE YOU BOTH.  LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE.  We love you so much that if we can't have you, NOBODY CAN.

For some reason, I'm very okay with this.