Koan Nebula

[I_Kicked_Kennedy]

I remember the Chao Te Ching, but did we ever start compiling a series of Koans?

Search is not helping.

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

I remember the Chao Te Ching, but did we ever start compiling a series of Koans?

Search is not helping.

Not that I've noticed, but that would be a great idea. I rock at koans.

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

v=1/3πr2h

[I_Kicked_Kennedy]

^
What's really sad is that I was "smart" enough to recognize the formula, but took WAY too long to get the gag. "Why did she put the volume formula for a cone? Must be an inside joke I've missed..."

I don't do so well without nicotine.

In any event, I'll start touching up a few koans and see if they're any good. Actually, they're pretty much done, I just have a rare 45 minutes in an empty house, so I'm gonna beat my dick like it owes me money. Be back in a bit.

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

^
What's really sad is that I was "smart" enough to recognize the formula, but took WAY too long to get the gag. "Why did she put the volume formula for a cone? Must be an inside joke I've missed..."

I don't do so well without nicotine.

In any event, I'll start touching up a few koans and see if they're any good. Actually, they're pretty much done, I just have a rare 45 minutes in an empty house, so I'm gonna beat my dick like it owes me money. Be back in a bit.

Totally understandable. Also I look forward to seeing your koans, and feel that I should write more, myself.

[Don Coyote]

v=1/3πr2h

When I learned this in class, I thought of you.

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

v=1/3πr2h

When I learned this in class, I thought of you.

OH SHIT

I don't even know what that means, I haven't taken that class yet.

[Don Coyote]

v=1/3πr2h

When I learned this in class, I thought of you.

OH SHIT

I don't even know what that means, I haven't taken that class yet.

It's using calculus to find the volume of a cone.

[I_Kicked_Kennedy]

A soldier came to the master Barbatus the Elder and asked: "Master, tell me: is there really a heaven and a hell?"

"Who are you?" asked Barbatus.

"I am a soldier of the great Private Equity CEO's personal guard."

"Nonsense!" said Barbatus. "What kind of CEO would have you around him? To me you look like a beggar!" At this, the soldier grabbed Barbatus by the collar, to which the master replied, "Oh hai. This your idea of foreplay, ya big sissy?"

At this the soldier could not hold himself back. He drew his pistol and threatened the master, who said: "Now you know half the answer! You are opening the gates of hell!"

"Damn right," said the soldier, and then he promptly put two bullets in Barbatus's head, calmly placed the gun in the deceased master's palm, and called his supervisor to wire $50k to the local coroner's office.

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

v=1/3πr2h

When I learned this in class, I thought of you.

OH SHIT

I don't even know what that means, I haven't taken that class yet.

It's using calculus to find the volume of a cone.

I figured it was cone-related, because of πr^2/h^2 etc.

I haven't taken calculus yet... I may never take it, actually. Unfortunately.

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

A soldier came to the master Barbatus the Elder and asked: "Master, tell me: is there really a heaven and a hell?"

"Who are you?" asked Barbatus.

"I am a soldier of the great Private Equity CEO's personal guard."

"Nonsense!" said Barbatus. "What kind of CEO would have you around him? To me you look like a beggar!" At this, the soldier grabbed Barbatus by the collar, to which the master replied, "Oh hai. This your idea of foreplay, ya big sissy?"

At this the soldier could not hold himself back. He drew his pistol and threatened the master, who said: "Now you know half the answer! You are opening the gates of hell!"

"Damn right," said the soldier, and then he promptly put two bullets in Barbatus's head, calmly placed the gun in the deceased master's palm, and called his supervisor to wire $50k to the local coroner's office.

I am uncertain of the point of this koan. Is there one?

[I_Kicked_Kennedy]

Under the red hot moon of Phoenix, Illinois, Gilby the Surfboard Supplier was the featured speaker at a PD meetup. From the aft of the room, a voice proffered:

"Though I work as a maths teacher at a prestigious private school in Maryland, I intend to cut my hair into the style commonly referred to as 'Mohawk.'"

The voice was Vinansayanabindarayanan of East Sayeeeed Bitchez. Gilby looked upon the man and calmly informed him: "There was a time when the starlets of pornography would shave their features in a similar fashion, commonly referred to as a Landing Strip. Still, in certain anarchist circles, the hair cut is referred to as the 'Portland Crewcut', and in Portland, they call it the 'Anarchomullet.'"

And in that moment, Vinansayanabindarayanan decided to part his hair to the left and use less conditioner.

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

Oh. Pinealism.


Never mind.

[Left]

The teachings of Master Wu # 1

"Master Wu, tell me a story!"

The little boy tugged on Master Wu's terrycloth bathrobe.
Master Wu again wondered why he let this brat into his house, then sat down and complied. 
He took a long pull off his coffee and began.

"Once, there was a student of Discordia living in The City.
The student worked very hard, yet owned very little.  It is in the Way of The City that the harder the job, the less the pay, and the bastards who do very little make the most."

"But this student had a very fine car, what the people of The CIty would call a "ricer.'
It was very fast, and very shiny, having that custom paint style known as 'metalflake.' 
Alas, it was so fast and so shiny, indeed his car was so fine, that it was a temptation to car thieves. 
His car was stolen not once, not twice, but three times, no matter what security measures he tried.

The student became angry and said 'why can't I have one nice thing?  I work my ass off to have a nice car, and verily, these ruffians must steal it.' "

"So he sat in his room all night and prayed to the Blessed Goddess, and asked Her what to do.  After hours of chanting Her Holy name, She appeared to him as a vision of loveliness, floating in lotus position upon a giant halved onion.  It was the Goddess Discordia who instructed him on what to do."

"The student studied some arcane texts he found at the used book store and the Army Surplus.  He purchased some devices and did as the Goddess instructed."

So in a few months, the student was hard at work at his warehouse, when one of the other employees came to him and said " ' Lo! It appears your car is no longer parked in the lot, and we noticed some window glass on the pavement.' "
The student made haste to the parking lot, where it was as the co-worker said.
The student grinned blissfully.
  He pulled a small device out of his pocket.  He extended an antenna.  He opened the cover of the single button, and pushed the button."
Six miles away, the car exploded, killing the drug addict who was trying to take out the stereo of the student's car."
     
Master Wu sipped his coffee, indicating the story was done.

"Wow, Master Wu, that's quite a story!" Said the boy.

Master Wu replied "And what is the lesson of this story?"
...The boy thought a minute, then said:
"Don't make someone who's meaner than yourself angry?"
"Yes, that's right," Said Master Wu. "But carry that further."

The boy thought a little more, then said "You don't know who's meaner than you?"
"That as well." said Master Wu.

Master Wu sipped his coffee again, then said,"Perhaps it is best said like this: One knows not what a follower of the Goddess is capable of."
"Speaking of which, give me my smokes back or I will make your anus grow shut with the power of my mind."

The boy looked at Master Wu with eyes suddenly round and terrified.
He wordlessly handed the Master back his box of Menthols.

"Thank you," the Master said serenely.

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

That is not a bad koan, at all!