Cramulus

[Lenin McCarthy]

A while back, I started receiving Snapchat messages from a girl who found my Twitter feed interesting. Then she discovered my Instagram, and I added her on Facebook, then she added me on Skype and we've had a few phone calls when we've been drunk enough to summon the courage to do so. We've never met. Now we're chatting on Facebook, about whether it really is possible to fall in love with someone you haven't met (we're afraid we both have). About how social media and smartphones are creating shallow narcissists with goldfish attention spans out of us. About Uniforms. About other stuff, like books (made out of real paper). And earlier tonight about how we really wish we didn't have these smartphones, even though we would never have known each other without them.

The Absurd is sort of taking a huge dump on my face right now and I like it.

[Anna Mae Bollocks]

See, there's the problem.  I like things real.  Plain old real.  I neither need nor want the extended remix version of real.  So I stand here, in 1979, with hippies on one side and Reagan on the other, teetering on a monstrous heap of cocaine and herpes, scant inches above the awful shit.  I am in fact posting this from a rotary phone, which is ALL THE TECHNOLOGY I NEED.  People have puffy hairdos and WIDE fucking collars, and you could hide Karl Rove in their pant legs. 

Who the hell needs anything more real than THAT?  Not this guy. 

But you're right about the warning labels.  The 21st century's label should read "May contain warrantless anal intrusion for your own good", and the front of the package should have Justin Beiber and Taylor swift dancing the Texas two step on Benjamin Franklin's grave, and the back should have Andrew Card grimacing like a CHAMP while he pinches a loaf off on Patrick Henry's headstone.

And inside should be 20 perfect food tube mouth pieces, molded so that one side fits in someone else's ass.  Because that's what YOUR century is.  It's the HUMAN GODDAMN CENTIPEDE set to Yakkity Sax played by Green Day™.  It's the perfect circle jerk...All participants, no pivot man.

So when you finally keel over from one round too many of the biscuit game, spend your last few conscious moments thinking of me, way back here, doing my thing on the Studio 54 dance floor, in a gentle mist of cocaine sneezed out by Me Generation dweebs that ate your future.

Fuckin A.

I might not make it to Studio 54, but I can still watch these other clowns talkdrinksnorttalkdrinksnorttalkdrinksnort while side 2 of Highway To Hell plays ALL GODDAMN NIGHT because everybody's so fried they don't give a fuck.

Beats the fuck out of the 21st century.

[Left]

A while back, I started receiving Snapchat messages from a girl who found my Twitter feed interesting. Then she discovered my Instagram, and I added her on Facebook, then she added me on Skype and we've had a few phone calls when we've been drunk enough to summon the courage to do so. We've never met. Now we're chatting on Facebook, about whether it really is possible to fall in love with someone you haven't met (we're afraid we both have). About how social media and smartphones are creating shallow narcissists with goldfish attention spans out of us. About Uniforms. About other stuff, like books (made out of real paper). And earlier tonight about how we really wish we didn't have these smartphones, even though we would never have known each other without them.

The Absurd is sort of taking a huge dump on my face right now and I like it.

Dude, go with it.

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

I myself have an allergy to all that "The Olden Days™ were better" bullshit.

The Future is what we make of it. If it's crap, it's because WE'RE crap.

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

I also have an allergy to all the hipster cynicism bullshit.

[Doktor Howl]

I myself have an allergy to all that "The Olden Days™ were better" bullshit.

The Future is what we make of it. If it's crap, it's because WE'RE crap.

The old days weren't better.

But 1979 was WAY more FABULOUS, and that's what all right-thinking people want.

[Doktor Howl]

And if I want to run back to disco balls and Dancing Queen, YOU CAN'T STOP ME.

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

And if I want to run back to disco balls and Dancing Queen, YOU CAN'T STOP ME.