ITT, My Company Goes Full Retard*

[The Good Reverend Roger]

I've been through 3 review cycles, and I would agree that they are mostly meaningless. They exist solely to fill file cabinets with records so HR feels useful. The first one I did, I noted that I had excelled at every project and task, and marked the "exceeds goal expectation" space. My boss came back to me and said "If you mark that space, it means you have no room for improvement, which means I can't give you a raise to incentivize you."

I'm still not sure if that makes logical sense, but whatever.

BUT

"Incentivize" <---

WHY THE FUCK IS IT THAT EDUCATED PEOPLE CANNOT SPEAK ENGLISH?

[LMNO]

Which reminds me, I still have to write the BIP 2013 legal boilerplate.

[The Good Reverend Roger]

Which reminds me, I still have to write the BIP 2013 legal boilerplate.

Very yes.

[Ben Shapiro]

Nothing I do or fail to do seems to have any real effect on my raise, though.

This is most often the reality of he situation.

This year, I turned mine in a week late, having in the review commended myself for staying on top of paperwork.

BRAVO SIR BRAVO!

[Pæs]

You're most likely gonna end up with something that we have here,

"Our core value is PRIDE."
•Professionalism
•Real Value to Our Customers
•Integrity
•Demonstrated Financial Strength
•Employer of Choice

What does this really mean, in terms of your job?  Not much.

This is my reading of  the memo, too. I don't see any DANGER SHIT IS ABOUT TO GET FREAKY in there.

We've got signs all over the show saying "Let's regroup and... DO WHAT'S RIGHT." or "Let's regroup and... BE ONE TEAM" with our values in caps. They're just an extension of exercises we had in school to write our class rules together so everyone feels like they've got a more organic ruleset. Let's regroup and... KEEP HANDS, FEET AND OBJECTS TO OURSELVES.

[tyrannosaurus vex]

You're most likely gonna end up with something that we have here,

"Our core value is PRIDE."
•Professionalism
•Real Value to Our Customers
•Integrity
•Demonstrated Financial Strength
•Employer of Choice

What does this really mean, in terms of your job?  Not much.

This is my reading of  the memo, too. I don't see any DANGER SHIT IS ABOUT TO GET FREAKY in there.

We've got signs all over the show saying "Let's regroup and... DO WHAT'S RIGHT." or "Let's regroup and... BE ONE TEAM" with our values in caps. They're just an extension of exercises we had in school to write our class rules together so everyone feels like they've got a more organic ruleset. Let's regroup and... KEEP HANDS, FEET AND OBJECTS TO OURSELVES.

This is inspiring. In this format, my company's motto would be "Let's regroup and... KEEP REGROUPING."

[Nephew Twiddleton]

You're most likely gonna end up with something that we have here,

"Our core value is PRIDE."
•Professionalism
•Real Value to Our Customers
•Integrity
•Demonstrated Financial Strength
•Employer of Choice

What does this really mean, in terms of your job?  Not much.

This is my reading of  the memo, too. I don't see any DANGER SHIT IS ABOUT TO GET FREAKY in there.

We've got signs all over the show saying "Let's regroup and... DO WHAT'S RIGHT." or "Let's regroup and... BE ONE TEAM" with our values in caps. They're just an extension of exercises we had in school to write our class rules together so everyone feels like they've got a more organic ruleset. Let's regroup and... KEEP HANDS, FEET AND OBJECTS TO OURSELVES.

This is inspiring. In this format, my company's motto would be "Let's regroup and... KEEP REGROUPING."

[The Johnny]

So I open up my email this morning, and I see this from the CEO:

Dear Colleagues,
On Thursday and Friday this week, a team of your peers will gather offsite to establish our Values Blueprint. Our goal will be to define the values which [company name redacted] and its employees will embrace, and identify the specific behaviors that will bring those values to life. This is exciting and important work, and essential to completing what we began earlier this year by introducing our new name and our new brand. The essence of a company's brand begins with each and every employee, and having clarity about the values and the behaviors we all should emulate will help reinforce the strength of our brand in the marketplace, as well as significantly enhance our work environment.

Am I right to be slightly creeped out by the strongly "Corpwellian" language in this statement, or am I just seeing something that is now commonplace and safe to ignore?

I know what you mean, but NGO's as protocol always have statements for Mission, Values and Vision... just saying.

[Q. G. Pennyworth]

I stand corrected, RWHN did contribute meaningfully on this topic. Missed it before.

[Trivial]

My company makes a big deal about how writing up your own "commitments" is important, but when that time of the year comes everyone is handed a standard set that they have to put in, then add a paragraph of goals in another section.  What I don't get is if they've standardized what our commitment have to be, complete with them putting in crap that doesn't apply to our position, why the hell have us put it in in the first place.  They could just have the standard set auto populate based on our job code/level. 

That and our reviews are for one year, but the bonuses don't come out till march of the next year.  Heard they're pushing that back.

This year they actually put in hard numbers that are supposed to be met by the whole team.  Title of this item has the word "Personal" but your commitments have team goals.  Geh.  While the last manager I had was fairly good at removing the fucknuts, there's still a couple there that can blow it for the whole team.  That and some of these things are reliant on other team input so other teams can blow it for our team.  Not that I've noticed these damn things being worth anything.

[tyrannosaurus vex]

There's an update to the "Values Blueprint" process. I asked the ONE (1) person from my department who was included in this, since there has been no official word on whatever they did. Apparently, it was a 2-day meeting with 50 people in a hotel conference room. The idea was that everyone would have equal input regardless of their department or level. But, of course, it was entirely derailed by one asshole from Sales who insisted that everything anyone else suggested basically boiled down to his idea.

So the Values Blueprint will include the following two primary "Values:"

1. Dedication.
2. Profit.

Nope not kidding.

[Trivial]

 

[Pæs]

That's beautiful.

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

There's an update to the "Values Blueprint" process. I asked the ONE (1) person from my department who was included in this, since there has been no official word on whatever they did. Apparently, it was a 2-day meeting with 50 people in a hotel conference room. The idea was that everyone would have equal input regardless of their department or level. But, of course, it was entirely derailed by one asshole from Sales who insisted that everything anyone else suggested basically boiled down to his idea.

So the Values Blueprint will include the following two primary "Values:"

1. Dedication.
2. Profit.

Nope not kidding.

Dedication to what? I think you should make a big deal about that.

[Q. G. Pennyworth]

There's an update to the "Values Blueprint" process. I asked the ONE (1) person from my department who was included in this, since there has been no official word on whatever they did. Apparently, it was a 2-day meeting with 50 people in a hotel conference room. The idea was that everyone would have equal input regardless of their department or level. But, of course, it was entirely derailed by one asshole from Sales who insisted that everything anyone else suggested basically boiled down to his idea.

So the Values Blueprint will include the following two primary "Values:"

1. Dedication.
2. Profit.

Nope not kidding.

Dedication to what? I think you should make a big deal about that.

To profit, clearly.