Attn Phineas T Poxwattle

[Nephew Twiddleton]

Ive got an itch behind my eyes and blue phlegm. My freckles have also turned green and my reflection is right handed too. What is wrong with me and what sort of elixirs do you have for it?

[Phineas T. Poxwattle]

STEP RIGHT UP

Have I got the cure, elixir, tonic, oil, salve, tincture, or potion for your ill?

YES I DO

Am I medically licensed to give out medicine?

NO I AM NOT

Is this stuff technically medicine?

LET'S NOT GO THERE OKAY


STEP right up

YOU, son! You look a little green around the gills. Your eyes itch, and your phlegm is blue, you say?

HAVE I GOT THE REMEDY FOR YOU

You look like you're suffering from a rare case of Tropical Space AIDS compounded by congenital penis fingers. Why that's a bad case, son! That's the same thing that killed Klaus Nomi!

Okay here's what you're a-going to do

Here is season 1-3 of My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic

I want you to go home and then put it in your DVD player. I want you to put a sheet over your TV and then sit under said sheet, so that all you can see is the TV. I want you to plug these ear buds into your a-television set. And I want you to spend all day in there, just absorbing the friendship and the magic. Let it wash over you. It contains nine COUNT EM NINE essential minerals, guaranteed to give you VIM, and make you fit as a fiddle and gay as a goose in springtime.

COME ONE, COME ALL

[Junkenstein]

Poxwattle,

I have a searing pain behind my eye. All damn day and night. No painkillers touch it. It's been there for years and I'm considering just taking a spoon to it. Just for a different kind of pain for a while, you know?

Can you recommend an alternative?

[Suu]

Poxwattle,

I have a case of the dropsy, the drowsy, and the dysentery! What magic medicine do you have for me today?!

[Phineas T. Poxwattle]

Poxwattle,

I have a searing pain behind my eye. All damn day and night. No painkillers touch it. It's been there for years and I'm considering just taking a spoon to it. Just for a different kind of pain for a while, you know?

Can you recommend an alternative?

Yes indeedy duo, I have a cure for YUO.

Here's your problem - your eye is popping out. Probably because a worm has gotten into your brain and it's pushing your eyeball around.

Normally I'd recommend taking an ice cream scoop to your head and fish the little bastard out of there. But that wouldn't help, it'd just drive the thing deeper, probably causing your other eye to bulge out.

So instead, here's what we're a-going to do. Take this here tub of Elmer's glue. What you need to do is put the glue into these horse pills. Jam the pills up your nose. Then, ease the worm out of your tear duct using an open bottle of Tequilla, which I will provide at a low low cost of 149.99.99. The extra 99 is for savings.

GUARANTEED*




_{*not guaranteed to fix your medical malady, guaranteed savings on what I would otherwise charge}

[Phineas T. Poxwattle]

Poxwattle,

I have a case of the dropsy, the drowsy, and the dysentery! What magic medicine do you have for me today?!

Step right up young lady,

Dropsy, drowsy, and the dysentery you say?
Why, your problem is clear as day!

You have an excess of vapors.

Here's what you're a-going to do. I'm going to sell you this medical whoopee cushion. No, don't put your mouth on the sphincter, there's a good girl. It's exactly the opposite. You need to put the mouth of the whoopee cushion up to your derriere. That's right. Now when you get the vapors, let them loose into the whoopee cushion.

That will be 40 cents!

30 if I can watch you fill the cushion. Old Phineas has been on the road a long time.

[Nephew Twiddleton]

[EK WAFFLR]

Dear Poxwattle.

I have the chicken pox, the sheep pox, wolf pox and badger pox.
Also, I have a case of highly contagious doomsday herpes.

wat do

[McGrupp]

Poxwattle,

I do declare, I fear I am afflicted with a case of the vapors. What medicine to spring me from my fainting couch?

[Suu]

Holy fuck. 

[Phineas T. Poxwattle]

Dear Poxwattle.

I have the chicken pox, the sheep pox, wolf pox and badger pox.
Also, I have a case of highly contagious doomsday herpes.

wat do

Son, you need to wattle it.

Here's what I'm going to give you: a blanket made of asbestos. You wrap it around your head five or six or seven or ten times, then cover it with petroleum jelly.

Next, drink water out of the far side of a glass while leaning backwards out a window, and then get a little kid to blow up a brown paper bag and POP it as loud as he can. The shock should send your nervous system into a poxless state.

So that should cure you, but you gotta be more careful, my boy! I know you're filled with temptations. These days, the world is full of temptations. Back when I was a boy like yourself I didn't have the twitter or the tiny friendly crabs or the self-pinching nipples. We had to amuse ourselves by making sock puppets out of living woodland creatures. When the creatures gave up their ehh 'life pulse' we would wear them as socks, which is the only reason I call them sock puppets instead of fist warmers. So the moral of the story is, stay away from sheep, wolves, and badgers.

The trick, son, is simple, and I'll tell it to ya for a nickle. Alright, that's a good boy, you're a keeper. The trick is this:

if you're going to bugger a series of animals, you need to do it in the right order. First prey, then predator. You can't just put your pecker in a wolf, then in a rabbit. That's not natural. That's not what mother nature intended. You have to follow the food chain. First, the wolf, THEN, the rabbit!

That's a good boy. Now move aside kid, you're blocking the line.

[Phineas T. Poxwattle]

Poxwattle,

I do declare, I fear I am afflicted with a case of the vapors. What medicine to spring me from my fainting couch?

Well Miss Suu over here just bought my last vapor remedy. But don't think Old Phineas can't solve your problem, no sir!

What I've got here is a couchapult. It's like a couch, but when you pull this here lever, it throws you clear over the river. Any vapors you've got left inside you will be left behind, along with the excrement. Yes, the velocity of the couchapult will cause your body to evacuate any waste. But that's how you know the remedy is working!

[Junkenstein]

Poxwattle,

This tequila smells like paint thinner. And tastes like paint thinner.

It's giving me a serious case of the ruminations.

[Phineas T. Poxwattle]

Poxwattle,

This tequila smells like paint thinner. And tastes like paint thinner.

It's giving me a serious case of the ruminations.

It also removes paint at NO ADDED COST

[Phineas T. Poxwattle]

STEP RIGHT UP

here's some packing tape

you put it all over your body