Fuck this shitty weather!

[Nephew Twiddleton]

Usually around August-September we can expect to get epic swell on the west coast from a bunch of atlantic hurricanes and then in the winter it's all east coast.

So far - fuck all. It's been a long, hot, high pressure, shitty, sunny, flat summer and now we're into autumn and it's still the fucking same. Fine if you happen to like lying on a deck lounger like some kind of bipedal whale, basting in your own juices. For anyone with a pulse, this year has been complete shit so far 

You know, I'm with you there. I've never seen the point in slow baking yourself in the glow of the great melanoma giver. Melanoma aside, it's, well. Boring. Just picture it. Some mostly naked person is just lying there. Outside. For fun. Not looking at anything because from that angle you'd burn your retinas. It's the equivalent at sitting there and staring at a wall, except the wall is your eyelids.

I love laying in the sun! Every year I try to make it to the nude beach at least a couple of times, to read a book and soak up some vitamin D. Total fail this year.

Here is the problem. We only get a few weeks of sun every year here. As a result, everybody is chronically vitamin D deficient, depressed, and groggy. It's a proven scientific fact that the less vitamin D you have in your system, the better you can hear the bridges. That's why when people first move here from California or Arizona or wherever, they can't hear them; it can take a couple of years for their vitamin D stores to become depleted enough to start hearing them. And then, after you've been here a while and you're at a near-critical level, they get really loud and you can't ignore them anymore.

This is the exact point at which most newcomers lose their shit and move back to wherever they came from. This is why you hear people who have been here a couple of years saying things that sound completely insane, like "Fuck Portland, I'm moving back to Detroit where at least I can get a job and people are friendly".

What they actually mean is that they have started to hear the sinister yet seductive undertone that pulses through the city, and worse; that they have started to feel the grip of the limp apathy that makes it sound like a lullaby, like like maybe if you just went for a walk across the nearest bridge everything would be OK. Resist the urge to look down. No, don't resist the urge to look down. The water is so calm.

That, my friend, is why it's so important to spend at least a couple of days each summer lying in the sun. It's either that or you end up at the doctor for shots when you realize you haven't washed your hair for weeks and eating solid food sounds exhausting.

Whoa...

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

If you are ever curious, just google "I hate Portland" and you will be astonished.

I feel like this one kind of sums it up nicely:

I have lived other places and every where else I lived I felt happier I just come back to Portland because my family has a house and my daughter loves it and when the rent gets to high out of state where do I end up back here, what do I dislike about Portland I hated it at three years old, my first sentance was I want to go outside no words just the sentense because I knew I wanted to leave Portand so bad the energy here is a nervous bad vibe that is asaultive and the people are so phoney with there polite one word gestures of friendships people don't understand diversity, the only thing people do is watch a movie at home or go to Fred Meyers its a death trap here an emotional trap everyone smokes weed here just to bare living here or they would kill themselves and the suicide rate here is so high because its so depressing the sky the air the elevation its a valley so low you know this whole town was buried under water once because the cosmos knows it gave us a sign flood the place yet people live here with fake smiles or just real fears about truely being alive its a place of death where spirits live a more exicting life than people. Yah some night clubs can be fun but then you go home to your drafty house and feel like you cant lift yourself up out of bed the house is always so cold just like the people I have served my time 40 years of torture. Get me out of here me my cat and I guess my daughter will have to fend for herself she is trapped here cause of friends who she loves she admits she is very depressed here what a change when we came back Portland has ruined my life once again. It is not a liveable state. Once as a child we moved to Tacoma Washington it was fine its just Portland is drives me crazy I just want out of here this moment every second how can I break free! This is an emergency!

Everything she says is true.

I love it here.

[Nephew Twiddleton]

Maybe thats part of the reason boston got buttons back.

[The Good Reverend Roger]

If you are ever curious, just google "I hate Portland" and you will be astonished.

I feel like this one kind of sums it up nicely:

I have lived other places and every where else I lived I felt happier I just come back to Portland because my family has a house and my daughter loves it and when the rent gets to high out of state where do I end up back here, what do I dislike about Portland I hated it at three years old, my first sentance was I want to go outside no words just the sentense because I knew I wanted to leave Portand so bad the energy here is a nervous bad vibe that is asaultive and the people are so phoney with there polite one word gestures of friendships people don't understand diversity, the only thing people do is watch a movie at home or go to Fred Meyers its a death trap here an emotional trap everyone smokes weed here just to bare living here or they would kill themselves and the suicide rate here is so high because its so depressing the sky the air the elevation its a valley so low you know this whole town was buried under water once because the cosmos knows it gave us a sign flood the place yet people live here with fake smiles or just real fears about truely being alive its a place of death where spirits live a more exicting life than people. Yah some night clubs can be fun but then you go home to your drafty house and feel like you cant lift yourself up out of bed the house is always so cold just like the people I have served my time 40 years of torture. Get me out of here me my cat and I guess my daughter will have to fend for herself she is trapped here cause of friends who she loves she admits she is very depressed here what a change when we came back Portland has ruined my life once again. It is not a liveable state. Once as a child we moved to Tacoma Washington it was fine its just Portland is drives me crazy I just want out of here this moment every second how can I break free! This is an emergency!

Everything she says is true.

I love it here.

I'VE TOLD EVERYONE THE SOLUTION.

We have enough vitamin D here to supply the whole world.  It's heaven, really.

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

If you are ever curious, just google "I hate Portland" and you will be astonished.

I feel like this one kind of sums it up nicely:

I have lived other places and every where else I lived I felt happier I just come back to Portland because my family has a house and my daughter loves it and when the rent gets to high out of state where do I end up back here, what do I dislike about Portland I hated it at three years old, my first sentance was I want to go outside no words just the sentense because I knew I wanted to leave Portand so bad the energy here is a nervous bad vibe that is asaultive and the people are so phoney with there polite one word gestures of friendships people don't understand diversity, the only thing people do is watch a movie at home or go to Fred Meyers its a death trap here an emotional trap everyone smokes weed here just to bare living here or they would kill themselves and the suicide rate here is so high because its so depressing the sky the air the elevation its a valley so low you know this whole town was buried under water once because the cosmos knows it gave us a sign flood the place yet people live here with fake smiles or just real fears about truely being alive its a place of death where spirits live a more exicting life than people. Yah some night clubs can be fun but then you go home to your drafty house and feel like you cant lift yourself up out of bed the house is always so cold just like the people I have served my time 40 years of torture. Get me out of here me my cat and I guess my daughter will have to fend for herself she is trapped here cause of friends who she loves she admits she is very depressed here what a change when we came back Portland has ruined my life once again. It is not a liveable state. Once as a child we moved to Tacoma Washington it was fine its just Portland is drives me crazy I just want out of here this moment every second how can I break free! This is an emergency!

Everything she says is true.

I love it here.

I'VE TOLD EVERYONE THE SOLUTION.

We have enough vitamin D here to supply the whole world.  It's heaven, really.

I feel like if only people could timeshare between Tucson and Portland, everything would be PERFECT.