Horrible Fates and Tragic Endings (bloggy sort of rambling thing)

[The Good Reverend Roger]

All roads lead TO Rome, but what most people don't know is that all roads lead FROM Tucson, Holiest™ City of this here full-contact death cult.  Thing is, people occasionally travel the WRONG WAY on that road, and BAM!  They're stuck here.  With me and 1.1 million of my fellow inmates.  And nobody watching.

It's like a prison-girls exploitation film, except the warden isn't the bad guy, he's paralyzed with fear in the City Center, afraid to leave his office or even answer the phone.  He thought being MAYOR of TUCSON would be EASY...Apparently never having watched what happened to Mayor Walkup; the insane descent into alcoholism and madness, the weird behavior, wandering around the city all night, vomiting on things.  Sucker.  Research pays, kids.

No, the best thing about the city is that there is no bad guy.  It's just a place where bad things happen to good people, and no explanation is given or even asked for.  Sound familiar?  It should.  In fact, the main difference between Tucson and YOUR city is that we know we're doomed.  And we don't let it get in the way of having a good time.  Every time one of us passes out on the neighbor's lawn, an angel gets its wings.

What's really funny is that due to the city being broke, the county now has to do most of our policing (they're broke, too, but they get more federal funding).  The sheriff's deputies are NOT happy about this, even though they tend to get shot less often while in the city.  Being shot, apparently, is preferable to answering calls in a city where perversions are normal and business disputes sometimes result in chlorine gas attacks¹.  It's just too weird, they say, and they'd like to get back to being shot by smugglers out in the desert.

Even our tea party geeks sort of gave up and went home.  Turns out that even they are smart enough to NOT WANT TO BE IN CHARGE.  I mean, in MOST cities, people steal pickup trucks.  Here, we steal just the tail gates².  WTF?  Lazy Goddamn criminals. 

Also, everyone in the damn city is packing, and most of us spend all day walking around with the sun beating down on our skulls.  That's a great combo.

More later.



¹ True story.  http://azstarnet.com/news/local/crime/tucson-businessman-arrested-in-chlorine-gas-attack/article_d91158d6-7da4-11e0-b3ac-001cc4c002e0.html

² http://downtowntucson.tucsonnewsnow.com/news/news/195653-unusual-crime-rise-around-tucson

[LMNO]

You need to work for the Tucson board of tourism.

[The Good Reverend Roger]

You need to work for the Tucson board of tourism.

Oddly enough, we're working on an improved pamphlet with which to replace the one at the horrible little tourism center we have.

It covers things like aerosol coyote poop breathing, getting shot while you get shot, and alley-racing in the legal district (new sport we're developing).

[LMNO]

YES.

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

I approve of This Sort of Thing.

[Cainad (dec.)]

I'm going to have to make a visit to Tuscon to study the geologic coyote poop strata at some point. Purely professional, of course.