Nerd Stops Crime with Pulp Fiction Quotes

[Chelagoras The Boulder]

http://nationalreport.net/louisiana-man-stops-robbery-quoting-pulp-fiction/

A local DeQuincy man is a hero today after he single-handedly stopped a couple who were attempting to rob a coffee shop. His quick thinking saved the day according to restaurant manager Ted Barkins. "He just started quoting movie lines from Pulp Fiction. The robbers kind of went berserk and then they just left."

Barkins told CNN he was concerned about the health of Mr. Horner after the robbers had left and everyone at the restaurant was waiting for police to arrive. "It seemed like Mr. Horner's brain had snapped. I asked him if he was OK and he shouted, 'Shut the f*ck up fat man! This ain't none of your go*damn business'. Then I apologized and told him that I think the cops are on their way to which he responded, 'I don't wanna hear about no motherf*ckin' ifs. All I wanna hear from your ass is, you ain't got no problem, Paul. I'm on the motherf*cker. Go back in there, chill them n*ggas out and wait for the cavalry which should be coming directly'. Then he started asking me questions about our food menu. He asked me about our hamburgers and if I knew what they called a Quarter Pounder with Cheese in France? It was really weird, but hey, he's a hero I guess."

[Salty]

Oh Andy Factcheck, that stalwart reporter.

http://nationalreport.net/california-allows-first-ever-state-recognized-human-animal-marriage/

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

http://nationalreport.net/arkansas-department-education-approve-text-book-defines-gays-new-species/

<NationalReport>Little Rock, AR-The Department of Education in Little Rock, Arkansas announced today that they would be approving a new high school level biology textbook that includes a new species on the tree of life: Homo homosexualis. Department of Education officials stated that the reclassification was simply driven by the definition of a species. The Board of Education issued the following statement about the decision:
Our approval of this textbook is driven entirely by the scientific definition of a species. One of the most basic determinants of a species is the ability of its members to breed and produce viable and fertile offspring. It is our understanding that the gays are not capable of breeding successfully with humans. Thus, they should be reclassified as a new species.
- See more at: http://nationalreport.net/arkansas-department-education-approve-text-book-defines-gays-new-species/#sthash.pan4Jjra.dpuf

[Q. G. Pennyworth]

There's only one solution: we have to make this happen.

[Ben Shapiro]

http://nationalreport.net/arkansas-department-education-approve-text-book-defines-gays-new-species/

<NationalReport>Little Rock, AR-The Department of Education in Little Rock, Arkansas announced today that they would be approving a new high school level biology textbook that includes a new species on the tree of life: Homo homosexualis. Department of Education officials stated that the reclassification was simply driven by the definition of a species. The Board of Education issued the following statement about the decision:
Our approval of this textbook is driven entirely by the scientific definition of a species. One of the most basic determinants of a species is the ability of its members to breed and produce viable and fertile offspring. It is our understanding that the gays are not capable of breeding successfully with humans. Thus, they should be reclassified as a new species.
- See more at: http://nationalreport.net/arkansas-department-education-approve-text-book-defines-gays-new-species/#sthash.pan4Jjra.dpuf

Laughing so hard!

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

My very most favorite thing about National Report is when people seriously cite it as a source. I had someone do that on Facebook when they were trying to prove to me that juggalos are horrible people.

Speaking of juggalos, on Friday I was told by a total stranger that I'm a "legend" for my FB Burner troll.