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PI with Malice Aforethought: Alty

Started by The Good Reverend Roger, December 10, 2013, 06:59:03 PM

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The Good Reverend Roger

December 10, 2013, 06:59:03 PM
I have to confess that I have been lying to you all this time.  "Alty" does not in fact exist, at least not as far as being an actual person.  Alty is in fact a large hairless badger that lives in my head, where he gnaws on my frontal lobes and beats my hypothalamus and limbic system with matched club hammers.

Alty is the voice that tells me "have another bourbon" and "don't take any guff from that asshole trying to merge into this lane" and "hoo hoo hee hee".  Alty doesn't affect my sex drive, Alty IS my sex drive.  This may explain a lot of the "mystery mail" that some of you may have received over the last decade or so. 

Every night, I take 2 mg of benzos just to shut him up.  I like him, and I think what he has to tell me is valuable information or insights (especially with respect to the aesthetically pleasing shape and nature of my wife's bits), but I do have to sleep sometimes, or the OTHER people in my head get loose, including but not limited to Self-Destructo the Wonder Chimp.

Now, some of you may disagree with this confession, making foolishly inaccurate claims of having MET Alty or whatnot.  What you met was sort of an "anti-Tulpa", created when my will power was very low and the sneaky Hungarian bastard got out of my head.  "It wasn't ME that shat on the 6th green, officer, it was this badger that lives in my head, see?  He's very irritable.  So angry.  Please stop hitting me now."

So when Alty came to your town and did that thing with all the Wild Turkey and got all of your neighbors pregnant, I really can't do shit about it.  He got loose.  It's not my fault, I was distracted by a blond-haired tonsil-sucker.  I cannot reasonably be expected to maintain my willpower restraining said anti-Tulpa under these fucking circumstances. 

Also, that little dance he does?  It's called the totentanz, and soon everyone will be doing it.
" It's just that Depeche Mode were a bunch of optimistic loveburgers."
- TGRR, shaming himself forever, 7/8/2017

"Billy, when I say that ethics is our number one priority and safety is also our number one priority, you should take that to mean exactly what I said. Also quality. That's our number one priority as well. Don't look at me that way, you're in the corporate world now and this is how it works."
- TGRR, raising the bar at work.

Salty

#1
December 10, 2013, 07:01:48 PM
All you have to do is trust me. :evil:
The world is a car and you're the crash test dummy.

The Good Reverend Roger

#2
December 10, 2013, 07:03:22 PM
Quote from: Alty on December 10, 2013, 07:01:48 PM
All you have to do is trust me. :evil:

I do, in all things.

This is why my fellow townsfolk admire me and look to me for guidance.
" It's just that Depeche Mode were a bunch of optimistic loveburgers."
- TGRR, shaming himself forever, 7/8/2017

"Billy, when I say that ethics is our number one priority and safety is also our number one priority, you should take that to mean exactly what I said. Also quality. That's our number one priority as well. Don't look at me that way, you're in the corporate world now and this is how it works."
- TGRR, raising the bar at work.

Mesozoic Mister Nigel

#3
December 10, 2013, 07:06:12 PM
 :lulz:
"I'm guessing it was January 2007, a meeting in Bethesda, we got a bag of bees and just started smashing them on the desk," Charles Wick said. "It was very complicated."

Cardinal Pizza Deliverance.

#4
December 10, 2013, 07:14:43 PM
This explains so much. So, so much. Except how 'Alty' gets in and out of your head. You think someone would notice a hole.
Weevil-Infested Badfun Wrongsex Referee From The 9th Earth
Slick and Deranged Wombat of Manhood Questioning
Hulking Dormouse of Lust and DESPAIR™
Gatling Geyser of Rainbow AIDS

"The only way we can ever change anything is to look in the mirror and find no enemy." - Akala  'Find No Enemy'.

LMNO

#5
December 10, 2013, 07:28:47 PM
Quantum tunneling.

Mesozoic Mister Nigel

#6
December 10, 2013, 08:23:30 PM
I thought I met Alty, but really when I think back I just have four days I can't account for and a number of people who avoid me now. And when I mention my friend from Alaska, people leave the room abruptly.
"I'm guessing it was January 2007, a meeting in Bethesda, we got a bag of bees and just started smashing them on the desk," Charles Wick said. "It was very complicated."

The Good Reverend Roger

#7
December 11, 2013, 12:36:49 AM
Quote from: Radagast's Red Velvet Pancake Puppies on December 10, 2013, 08:23:30 PM
I thought I met Alty, but really when I think back I just have four days I can't account for and a number of people who avoid me now. And when I mention my friend from Alaska, people leave the room abruptly.

Well, duh.  They couldn't see him.
" It's just that Depeche Mode were a bunch of optimistic loveburgers."
- TGRR, shaming himself forever, 7/8/2017

"Billy, when I say that ethics is our number one priority and safety is also our number one priority, you should take that to mean exactly what I said. Also quality. That's our number one priority as well. Don't look at me that way, you're in the corporate world now and this is how it works."
- TGRR, raising the bar at work.

Reginald Ret

#8
December 11, 2013, 01:00:22 AM
Quote from: Dirty Old Uncle Roger on December 11, 2013, 12:36:49 AM
Quote from: Radagast's Red Velvet Pancake Puppies on December 10, 2013, 08:23:30 PM
I thought I met Alty, but really when I think back I just have four days I can't account for and a number of people who avoid me now. And when I mention my friend from Alaska, people leave the room abruptly.

Well, duh.  They couldn't see him.
That is true but not the reason. The reason they leave is because they remember what happened the last time Nigel started talking about her friend from Alaska.
It is not the Dildoes.
They are used to the Dildoes.
It is what she did to her friends with the Dildoes without touching them.
She kept trying to explain that it was Alty, but they could not see him. They could only see and feel the Dildoes going places even those people don't want them to go.
Lord Byron: "Those who will not reason, are bigots, those who cannot, are fools, and those who dare not, are slaves."

Nigel saying the wisest words ever uttered: "It's just a suffix."

"The worst forum ever" "The most mediocre forum on the internet" "The dumbest forum on the internet" "The most retarded forum on the internet" "The lamest forum on the internet" "The coolest forum on the internet"

The Good Reverend Roger

#9
December 11, 2013, 01:13:05 AM
Quote from: :regret: on December 11, 2013, 01:00:22 AM
Quote from: Dirty Old Uncle Roger on December 11, 2013, 12:36:49 AM
Quote from: Radagast's Red Velvet Pancake Puppies on December 10, 2013, 08:23:30 PM
I thought I met Alty, but really when I think back I just have four days I can't account for and a number of people who avoid me now. And when I mention my friend from Alaska, people leave the room abruptly.

Well, duh.  They couldn't see him.
That is true but not the reason. The reason they leave is because they remember what happened the last time Nigel started talking about her friend from Alaska.
It is not the Dildoes.
They are used to the Dildoes.
It is what she did to her friends with the Dildoes without touching them.
She kept trying to explain that it was Alty, but they could not see him. They could only see and feel the Dildoes going places even those people don't want them to go.

In Portland?  Where on Earth could you stick a dildo where it hasn't already been?  Those People are sick.
" It's just that Depeche Mode were a bunch of optimistic loveburgers."
- TGRR, shaming himself forever, 7/8/2017

"Billy, when I say that ethics is our number one priority and safety is also our number one priority, you should take that to mean exactly what I said. Also quality. That's our number one priority as well. Don't look at me that way, you're in the corporate world now and this is how it works."
- TGRR, raising the bar at work.

Pæs

#10
December 11, 2013, 01:15:44 AM
Quote from: Dirty Old Uncle Roger on December 11, 2013, 01:13:05 AM
Quote from: :regret: on December 11, 2013, 01:00:22 AM
Quote from: Dirty Old Uncle Roger on December 11, 2013, 12:36:49 AM
Quote from: Radagast's Red Velvet Pancake Puppies on December 10, 2013, 08:23:30 PM
I thought I met Alty, but really when I think back I just have four days I can't account for and a number of people who avoid me now. And when I mention my friend from Alaska, people leave the room abruptly.

Well, duh.  They couldn't see him.
That is true but not the reason. The reason they leave is because they remember what happened the last time Nigel started talking about her friend from Alaska.
It is not the Dildoes.
They are used to the Dildoes.
It is what she did to her friends with the Dildoes without touching them.
She kept trying to explain that it was Alty, but they could not see him. They could only see and feel the Dildoes going places even those people don't want them to go.

In Portland?  Where on Earth could you stick a dildo where it hasn't already been?  Those People are sick.
Again. Quantum tunneling.

Mesozoic Mister Nigel

#11
December 11, 2013, 03:01:40 AM
 :lulz:
"I'm guessing it was January 2007, a meeting in Bethesda, we got a bag of bees and just started smashing them on the desk," Charles Wick said. "It was very complicated."

Anna Mae Bollocks

#12
December 11, 2013, 04:59:20 AM
The Alty Reverse Tulpa is long out of your control, then.
DAMNIT, I really wanted him in the vicinity of Rick Perry at the next televised speech.
Scantily-Clad Inspector of Gigantic and Unnecessary Cashews, Texas Division
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