Author Topic: Notes on the Holiday Season  (Read 1446 times)

Richter

  • Razor-Sharp Rattan Surgical Tool Sharpener™
  • Deserved It
  • ****
  • Posts: 101132
  • Right Coast Deacon of Self-Contamination
    • View Profile
Notes on the Holiday Season
« on: December 24, 2013, 04:12:39 pm »
On the street bellow me the ceremonial traffic jam has already begun.  Tomorrow their will be goodwill and peace to the people they actually CARE about, but today there is the last hurrah of retail fanaticism.  The bumper-to-bumper gas wasting, the laying on of horns, and the screaming of impotent rage at the neighbors until the light turns green.

"CHRiiiiStMAAs!"  the Meth Riders slur and croak as they wheel their rickety contraptions to the liquor stores, pockets full of goodwill to men.

"Chriiistmasss.." the Naughty Girls of Olney silibantly slip between plumped lips while applying glitter and getting ready to do things with cell phone cameras that Oxford English pathically now acknowledges as a word.

"Christmas." the landlord states matter of factly and shakes his head after pitching a brick at the hipster playing with himself behind the assisted living home's bus.

The Emperor Norton is likewise up in the trrid floor of his rent-a-palace, composing his own howlings against the season.  His roomates the trustfundarian jeweler shuffled back to a more southern city.  The rain has stopped and the only snow falling is from the driving destitute as they, once again, learn you cannot blow a line of coke off the rear-view mirror of a moving auto. 

I package and wrap the last of the season's gifts - annoyed that the hammer for dad cannot be made to fit into the "Yankee Candle" bag.
Anyone ever think about how Richter inhabits the same reality as you and just scream and scream and scream, but in a good way?   :lulz:

Friendly Neighborhood Mentat

Mesozoic Mister Nigel

  • v=1/3πr2h
  • Deserved It
  • ****
  • Posts: 687093
  • The sky tastes like red exuberance.
    • View Profile
Re: Notes on the Holiday Season
« Reply #1 on: December 24, 2013, 05:52:18 pm »
Today is the day that I venture out only in desperation for those few necessary commodities to get me through the next two days.

Those who celebrate Christmas seem to be under the impression that it is impossible to avoid the holiday, that it is monolithic and pervasive and penetrates into every American's home, but last year, I forgot, having celebrated my own winter holiday already, and stepped out to the grocery store on Christmas Eve, totally unaware of the mayhem that would greet me. Shell-shocked, I blinked in confusion when the clerk handed me my change with a "Merry Christmas!" and the awareness dawned in me that it was not an alternate universe or an impending apocalypse, but merely a popular holiday.

For reasons unknown, my family refuses to acknowledge that I have celebrated Yule for the last 14 years and so gifts happily adorned with Christmas greetings arrive on my doorstep days after we've celebrated and the children have gone to their fathers' homes. In petty retaliation, I respond by sending them gifts on random Pagan holidays, with cards wishing them a Happy Lughnasadh or Merry Mabon.

They never send a thank-you card.
« Last Edit: December 24, 2013, 05:54:03 pm by Nigel's Red Velveteen Skinmeat Snacks »
“I’m guessing it was January 2007, a meeting in Bethesda, we got a bag of bees and just started smashing them on the desk,” Charles Wick said. “It was very complicated.”


Payne

  • Bowel-Shattering Deathbag of Monstrously Amorous Intent
  • Deserved It
  • ****
  • Posts: 88413
    • View Profile
Re: Notes on the Holiday Season
« Reply #2 on: December 24, 2013, 08:45:37 pm »
They never send a thank-you card.

Fucking ingrates, they are.

FUCK ALL THE BASTARDS.

Cardinal Pizza Deliverance.

  • Turbo-Charged Holder of the Involuntary Vasectomy Land Speed Record
  • Deserved It
  • ****
  • Posts: 73224
  • Gatling Geyser of Rainbow AIDS
    • View Profile
Re: Notes on the Holiday Season
« Reply #3 on: December 24, 2013, 09:32:01 pm »
Today is the day that I venture out only in desperation for those few necessary commodities to get me through the next two days.

Those who celebrate Christmas seem to be under the impression that it is impossible to avoid the holiday, that it is monolithic and pervasive and penetrates into every American's home, but last year, I forgot, having celebrated my own winter holiday already, and stepped out to the grocery store on Christmas Eve, totally unaware of the mayhem that would greet me. Shell-shocked, I blinked in confusion when the clerk handed me my change with a "Merry Christmas!" and the awareness dawned in me that it was not an alternate universe or an impending apocalypse, but merely a popular holiday.

For reasons unknown, my family refuses to acknowledge that I have celebrated Yule for the last 14 years and so gifts happily adorned with Christmas greetings arrive on my doorstep days after we've celebrated and the children have gone to their fathers' homes. In petty retaliation, I respond by sending them gifts on random Pagan holidays, with cards wishing them a Happy Lughnasadh or Merry Mabon.

They never send a thank-you card.

I tee-heed rather loudly at this. I'm always confused when a holiday falls on me. I'm sorry your family is rude about the thank-you card thing. Tsk tsk!
Weevil-Infested Badfun Wrongsex Referee From The 9th Earth
Slick and Deranged Wombat of Manhood Questioning
Hulking Dormouse of Lust and DESPAIR™
Gatling Geyser of Rainbow AIDS

"The only way we can ever change anything is to look in the mirror and find no enemy." - Akala  'Find No Enemy'.

Tiddleywomp Cockletit

  • La Mano Famosa del Infierno
  • Deserved It
  • ****
  • Posts: 152257
  • Interweb Horrormonkey of Love
    • View Profile
Re: Notes on the Holiday Season
« Reply #4 on: December 25, 2013, 03:42:22 am »
The best kind of Christmas is when it's a non-issue, which is difficult to accomplish 100% when it's fucking up your bank and your mail and making people in stores insane, but about 90% non-issue is a WIN. I think I accomplished that this year.

My daughter was just talking about how she hates going to visit people on Christmas, because if you're not doing some big wingding yourself, you're the Official Charity Case that they pity and ply with turkey and stuffing no matter how much food you have at home - because JEBUS - and there's a bunch of their not-cool family and about fifteen screeching kids hanging around, and it just sucks. I agree.  Internet's not exactly popping and the bars around here suck, so tonight and tomorrow will be a good time to catch up on some work.
Scantily-Clad Inspector of Gigantic and Unnecessary Cashews, Texas Division

Ben Shapiro

  • Deserved It
  • ****
  • Posts: 33361
  • Can one really say that pot isn't reckless?
    • View Profile
    • Preventing another Big Tobacco
Re: Notes on the Holiday Season
« Reply #5 on: December 25, 2013, 04:29:15 am »
I will add maple syrup to everclear!

I_Kicked_Kennedy

  • in his head hole.
  • Outlandish
  • ***
  • Posts: 1054
  • Kneel before Neil.
    • View Profile
Re: Notes on the Holiday Season
« Reply #6 on: December 25, 2013, 06:35:44 am »
I got shitfaced and tried to finish wrapping gifts and doing the Santa thing, but Santa ran out of tape, and Mrs. Claus went to bed because Mr. Claus said fuck it, the rest are gonna be wrapped with tissue paper and spit. Then he found bags we can use.

Not sure why I'm writing in the past tense.

Oh look! Cookies and shit...
If I had a million dollars, I'd put it all in a sensible mutual fund.

Cardinal Pizza Deliverance.

  • Turbo-Charged Holder of the Involuntary Vasectomy Land Speed Record
  • Deserved It
  • ****
  • Posts: 73224
  • Gatling Geyser of Rainbow AIDS
    • View Profile
Re: Notes on the Holiday Season
« Reply #7 on: December 25, 2013, 07:17:01 am »
I just finished making a Jayne hat. Someone else can wrap it and give it to the guy it is for. Bugger this for a lark.
Weevil-Infested Badfun Wrongsex Referee From The 9th Earth
Slick and Deranged Wombat of Manhood Questioning
Hulking Dormouse of Lust and DESPAIR™
Gatling Geyser of Rainbow AIDS

"The only way we can ever change anything is to look in the mirror and find no enemy." - Akala  'Find No Enemy'.

Mesozoic Mister Nigel

  • v=1/3πr2h
  • Deserved It
  • ****
  • Posts: 687093
  • The sky tastes like red exuberance.
    • View Profile
Re: Notes on the Holiday Season
« Reply #8 on: December 26, 2013, 07:00:21 pm »
The best kind of Christmas is when it's a non-issue, which is difficult to accomplish 100% when it's fucking up your bank and your mail and making people in stores insane, but about 90% non-issue is a WIN. I think I accomplished that this year.

My daughter was just talking about how she hates going to visit people on Christmas, because if you're not doing some big wingding yourself, you're the Official Charity Case that they pity and ply with turkey and stuffing no matter how much food you have at home - because JEBUS - and there's a bunch of their not-cool family and about fifteen screeching kids hanging around, and it just sucks. I agree.  Internet's not exactly popping and the bars around here suck, so tonight and tomorrow will be a good time to catch up on some work.

They totally do the "Ohhhh aren't you pathetic?" thing to me, and I'm like, what?  :? I didn't feel pathetic but now you're saying maybe I should?
“I’m guessing it was January 2007, a meeting in Bethesda, we got a bag of bees and just started smashing them on the desk,” Charles Wick said. “It was very complicated.”


The Good Reverend Roger

  • Horrible Bastard
  • One-Armed Jizz Moppers
  • Deserved It
  • **
  • Posts: 36736
    • View Profile
Re: Notes on the Holiday Season
« Reply #9 on: December 26, 2013, 07:02:43 pm »
Christmas dinner is okay for me.  We all pile up to my folks' house, and my dad and my son and I are in one room talking, and the others all watch a Dr Who marathon.

Yeah, I believe I mentioned I have my son back, as of the night before last, right?

So this isn't a bad Christmas, now that it's OVER and there's no more fucking Christmas music.
" It's just that Depeche Mode were a bunch of optimistic loveburgers."
- TGRR, shaming himself forever, 7/8/2017

 "Billy, when I say that ethics is our number one priority and safety is also our number one priority, you should take that to mean exactly what I said. Also quality. That's our number one priority as well. Don't look at me that way, you're in the corporate world now and this is how it works."
- TGRR, raising the bar at work.

Salty

  • Anarcho-Kardashian, Prophet
  • Deserved It
  • ****
  • Posts: 71640
    • View Profile
Re: Notes on the Holiday Season
« Reply #10 on: December 26, 2013, 07:05:38 pm »
The kid got so much shit from his mom's family he doesnt even ask me about it. Which is great. Those people are so shamelessly over the top, I am so grateful I dont have get drunk there anymore.

I would like to get a hobo santa suit and fill a giant bag with vodka shooters.
The world is a car and you're the crash test dummy.

Mesozoic Mister Nigel

  • v=1/3πr2h
  • Deserved It
  • ****
  • Posts: 687093
  • The sky tastes like red exuberance.
    • View Profile
Re: Notes on the Holiday Season
« Reply #11 on: December 26, 2013, 07:18:14 pm »
Christmas dinner is okay for me.  We all pile up to my folks' house, and my dad and my son and I are in one room talking, and the others all watch a Dr Who marathon.

Yeah, I believe I mentioned I have my son back, as of the night before last, right?

So this isn't a bad Christmas, now that it's OVER and there's no more fucking Christmas music.

I somehow, possibly due to sheer magic, possibly due to selective listening and mental blocking, heard no Christmas music whatsoever this year.
“I’m guessing it was January 2007, a meeting in Bethesda, we got a bag of bees and just started smashing them on the desk,” Charles Wick said. “It was very complicated.”


The Good Reverend Roger

  • Horrible Bastard
  • One-Armed Jizz Moppers
  • Deserved It
  • **
  • Posts: 36736
    • View Profile
Re: Notes on the Holiday Season
« Reply #12 on: December 26, 2013, 07:22:52 pm »
Christmas dinner is okay for me.  We all pile up to my folks' house, and my dad and my son and I are in one room talking, and the others all watch a Dr Who marathon.

Yeah, I believe I mentioned I have my son back, as of the night before last, right?

So this isn't a bad Christmas, now that it's OVER and there's no more fucking Christmas music.

I somehow, possibly due to sheer magic, possibly due to selective listening and mental blocking, heard no Christmas music whatsoever this year.

I had to go into drug stores several times.   :sad:
" It's just that Depeche Mode were a bunch of optimistic loveburgers."
- TGRR, shaming himself forever, 7/8/2017

 "Billy, when I say that ethics is our number one priority and safety is also our number one priority, you should take that to mean exactly what I said. Also quality. That's our number one priority as well. Don't look at me that way, you're in the corporate world now and this is how it works."
- TGRR, raising the bar at work.

Mesozoic Mister Nigel

  • v=1/3πr2h
  • Deserved It
  • ****
  • Posts: 687093
  • The sky tastes like red exuberance.
    • View Profile
Re: Notes on the Holiday Season
« Reply #13 on: December 26, 2013, 07:57:57 pm »
Christmas dinner is okay for me.  We all pile up to my folks' house, and my dad and my son and I are in one room talking, and the others all watch a Dr Who marathon.

Yeah, I believe I mentioned I have my son back, as of the night before last, right?

So this isn't a bad Christmas, now that it's OVER and there's no more fucking Christmas music.

I somehow, possibly due to sheer magic, possibly due to selective listening and mental blocking, heard no Christmas music whatsoever this year.

I had to go into drug stores several times.   :sad:

Awyeah. I managed to not go into even one, and the Whole Foods doesn't play anything recognizable as "Christmas" music, thank god.

I think Fred Meyer does, but I was in a fugue state when I was doing my shopping there.
“I’m guessing it was January 2007, a meeting in Bethesda, we got a bag of bees and just started smashing them on the desk,” Charles Wick said. “It was very complicated.”


The Good Reverend Roger

  • Horrible Bastard
  • One-Armed Jizz Moppers
  • Deserved It
  • **
  • Posts: 36736
    • View Profile
Re: Notes on the Holiday Season
« Reply #14 on: December 26, 2013, 08:15:26 pm »
Speaking of fugue states, it's time to dig up "Life During Wartime" and continue it.  I expect to have chapters up starting the week of the 3rd (while I'm traveling).
" It's just that Depeche Mode were a bunch of optimistic loveburgers."
- TGRR, shaming himself forever, 7/8/2017

 "Billy, when I say that ethics is our number one priority and safety is also our number one priority, you should take that to mean exactly what I said. Also quality. That's our number one priority as well. Don't look at me that way, you're in the corporate world now and this is how it works."
- TGRR, raising the bar at work.