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Attention, Doomed & Godless Heathen: A religion for YOU.

Started by The Good Reverend Roger, January 24, 2014, 04:43:37 PM

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The Good Reverend Roger

January 24, 2014, 04:43:37 PM
I am hereby starting The First Church of Vinnie. Here's how it works. You all tithe 10% of what you make. This doesn't buy you a spot in heaven, though (wrong sort of religion), it just means that Vinnie doesn't come by to make your knees bend the wrong way.

This way you can have all the religion you want, without any of those pesky restrictions on sex and drugs, and nobody telling you what to do (I mean, other than the tithe). 

Ten reasons to convert TODAY.

1. Vinnie doesn't care about premarital sex.  He himself does it all the time.
2. Vinnie won't get mad at you for coveting your neighbor's ass.  He covets it too.
3. Vinnie doesn't give a flying fuck about abortion or prayer in school.
4. Vinnie doesn't care how the world was created, as long as he gets his cut.
5. Vinnie won't tell you "what atheists believe".
6. Vinne never told anyone to kill in his name.  He does that just fine on his own.
7. Vinnie doesn't care if you actually show up to church.  In fact, there isn't actually a physical building.
8. Vinnie is tangible and obeys all known scientific laws (other laws, not so much).
9. Vinnie never launched a crusade, a witch hunt, or burned any heretics.  There's no money in it.
10.  If you don't convert, Vinnie will make your knees bend the wrong way.  I believe I mentioned this earlier.
" It's just that Depeche Mode were a bunch of optimistic loveburgers."
- TGRR, shaming himself forever, 7/8/2017

"Billy, when I say that ethics is our number one priority and safety is also our number one priority, you should take that to mean exactly what I said. Also quality. That's our number one priority as well. Don't look at me that way, you're in the corporate world now and this is how it works."
- TGRR, raising the bar at work.

Nephew Twiddleton

#1
January 24, 2014, 04:50:34 PM
Is this tithe a "protection" fee? What do I get in return from Vinny other than properly bending knees?
Strange and Terrible Organ Laminator of Yesterday's Heavy Scene
Sentence or sentence fragment pending

Soy El Vaquero Peludo de Oro

TIM AM I, PRIMARY OF THE EXTRA-ATMOSPHERIC SIMIANS

The Good Reverend Roger

#2
January 24, 2014, 04:51:48 PM
Quote from: THE PHYTOPHTHORATIC HOLDER OF THE ADVANCED DEGREE on January 24, 2014, 04:50:34 PM
Is this tithe a "protection" fee? What do I get in return from Vinny other than properly bending knees?

Nothing.  Vinnie has a very strong anti-intervention ethic.  He believes that people don't need an intrusive deity.  That's the whole point.  You pay Vinnie, and he leaves you the fuck alone.  And you STILL get to be religious!
" It's just that Depeche Mode were a bunch of optimistic loveburgers."
- TGRR, shaming himself forever, 7/8/2017

"Billy, when I say that ethics is our number one priority and safety is also our number one priority, you should take that to mean exactly what I said. Also quality. That's our number one priority as well. Don't look at me that way, you're in the corporate world now and this is how it works."
- TGRR, raising the bar at work.

Cain

#3
January 24, 2014, 04:52:38 PM
I can only convert if Vinnie is, in fact, short for Vin Diesel

LMNO

#4
January 24, 2014, 04:55:39 PM
I was going to say Vinnie Jones ("Bullet Tooth Tony").

The Good Reverend Roger

#5
January 24, 2014, 04:58:08 PM
You can assume either one, so long as Vinnie gets his 10%.

Oh, and I feel I should mention that this is on the gross, not net.
" It's just that Depeche Mode were a bunch of optimistic loveburgers."
- TGRR, shaming himself forever, 7/8/2017

"Billy, when I say that ethics is our number one priority and safety is also our number one priority, you should take that to mean exactly what I said. Also quality. That's our number one priority as well. Don't look at me that way, you're in the corporate world now and this is how it works."
- TGRR, raising the bar at work.

Mesozoic Mister Nigel

#6
January 24, 2014, 04:58:55 PM
I like this philosophy. If I spread the word for Vinnie, effectively increasing the size of his territory, do you think he'll give me a small percentage of the tithes I collect for him?
"I'm guessing it was January 2007, a meeting in Bethesda, we got a bag of bees and just started smashing them on the desk," Charles Wick said. "It was very complicated."

The Good Reverend Roger

#7
January 24, 2014, 05:02:18 PM
Quote from: Nigel's Red Velveteen Skinmeat Snacks on January 24, 2014, 04:58:55 PM
I like this philosophy. If I spread the word for Vinnie, effectively increasing the size of his territory, do you think he'll give me a small percentage of the tithes I collect for him?

Vinnie is remarkably flexible on this and many other issues.  Vinne approves in particular of this sort of industriousness.

A few other things worth mentioning:

1.  Vinnie believes very strongly in equal rights for everyone, and most especially in equal pay (as women, for example, being paid less for the same job means his 10% is smaller).
2.  Vinnie doesn't hate Gays, transgendered people, Muslims, or anyone else.  He just wants his money.
3.  Unlike certain other religions, Vinnie isn't interested at all in fat young boys.
" It's just that Depeche Mode were a bunch of optimistic loveburgers."
- TGRR, shaming himself forever, 7/8/2017

"Billy, when I say that ethics is our number one priority and safety is also our number one priority, you should take that to mean exactly what I said. Also quality. That's our number one priority as well. Don't look at me that way, you're in the corporate world now and this is how it works."
- TGRR, raising the bar at work.

Oxxykitten

#8
January 24, 2014, 05:22:48 PM
Is Vinnie Italian and or in the Mob family?

The Good Reverend Roger

#9
January 24, 2014, 05:25:04 PM
Quote from: Oxxykitten on January 24, 2014, 05:22:48 PM
Is Vinnie Italian and or in the Mob family?

Vinnie resents any implications of illegal activity of any kind.  He is an honest business man.
" It's just that Depeche Mode were a bunch of optimistic loveburgers."
- TGRR, shaming himself forever, 7/8/2017

"Billy, when I say that ethics is our number one priority and safety is also our number one priority, you should take that to mean exactly what I said. Also quality. That's our number one priority as well. Don't look at me that way, you're in the corporate world now and this is how it works."
- TGRR, raising the bar at work.

Oxxykitten

#10
January 24, 2014, 05:25:54 PM
Quote from: Dirty Old Uncle Roger on January 24, 2014, 05:25:04 PM
Quote from: Oxxykitten on January 24, 2014, 05:22:48 PM
Is Vinnie Italian and or in the Mob family?

Vinnie resents any implications of illegal activity of any kind.  He is an honest business man.

They all are, and a great family man at that.

Nephew Twiddleton

#11
January 24, 2014, 05:26:43 PM
I got dis othah guy ovah heah called Sal the Greaser demandin' the same ting.

How do I know which wiseguy to pay?
Strange and Terrible Organ Laminator of Yesterday's Heavy Scene
Sentence or sentence fragment pending

Soy El Vaquero Peludo de Oro

TIM AM I, PRIMARY OF THE EXTRA-ATMOSPHERIC SIMIANS

The Good Reverend Roger

#12
January 24, 2014, 05:27:36 PM
Quote from: Oxxykitten on January 24, 2014, 05:25:54 PM
Quote from: Dirty Old Uncle Roger on January 24, 2014, 05:25:04 PM
Quote from: Oxxykitten on January 24, 2014, 05:22:48 PM
Is Vinnie Italian and or in the Mob family?

Vinnie resents any implications of illegal activity of any kind.  He is an honest business man.

They all are, and a great family man at that.

Yes.  This does not contradict the earlier statement that Vinnie indulges in premarital sex, for complicated theological reasons that are not important to the discussion.
" It's just that Depeche Mode were a bunch of optimistic loveburgers."
- TGRR, shaming himself forever, 7/8/2017

"Billy, when I say that ethics is our number one priority and safety is also our number one priority, you should take that to mean exactly what I said. Also quality. That's our number one priority as well. Don't look at me that way, you're in the corporate world now and this is how it works."
- TGRR, raising the bar at work.

The Good Reverend Roger

#13
January 24, 2014, 05:28:51 PM
Quote from: THE PHYTOPHTHORATIC HOLDER OF THE ADVANCED DEGREE on January 24, 2014, 05:26:43 PM
I got dis othah guy ovah heah called Sal the Greaser demandin' the same ting.

How do I know which wiseguy to pay?

Vinnie.  Sal is slated for divine retribution, the moment he shows his ugly face at Club Vega.
" It's just that Depeche Mode were a bunch of optimistic loveburgers."
- TGRR, shaming himself forever, 7/8/2017

"Billy, when I say that ethics is our number one priority and safety is also our number one priority, you should take that to mean exactly what I said. Also quality. That's our number one priority as well. Don't look at me that way, you're in the corporate world now and this is how it works."
- TGRR, raising the bar at work.

Anna Mae Bollocks

#14
January 24, 2014, 05:35:21 PM
I'm going to feel really ripped off if he turns out to be Vinnie Barbarino. I'll convert to Vitoism.
Scantily-Clad Inspector of Gigantic and Unnecessary Cashews, Texas Division
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