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Ars Richteria, Chapter 3

Started by The Good Reverend Roger, February 17, 2014, 05:11:35 PM

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The Good Reverend Roger

February 17, 2014, 05:11:35 PM Last Edit: February 17, 2014, 06:55:23 PM by Dirty Old Uncle Roger
Chapter 3
The Wisdom of Richter

3:1  A political reality is still a reality.  Planning for humans to behave rationally is like planning for your fairy godmother to solve your problem for you...Comforting, but useless.  Always assume that someone will oppose a workable solution for non-technical reasons.

3:2  Hanlon's Razor:  Never attribute to malice that which can explained by stupidity.

3:3  When someone says "God hates" something, they are really claiming to be God, because the fact is, the person speaking is the one who hates whatever it is.

3:4  That being said, God really hates the concept of no-fault insurance.

3:5  A kind word and a court order will get you more than a kind word.

3:6  You can't fight City Hall.  Therefore, you should instead go to City Hall and jam up the toilets, squirt glue into the parking meters, and distribute fake and disruptive memorandums.  Carbon-papering the mayor's signature will gain far more results than standing around holding a sign.

3:7  A statement of fact that begins with "everyone knows" is almost certainly wrong.

3:8  Being a good citizen only works if you live in a good society.  Even then, it has a derogatory effect on Saturday Night.  Good citizens are not welcome at the punk show.

3:9  Things are generally better when properly sharpened.  This includes everything from butcher knives to golf balls to pizza delivery boys.

3:10  People often confuse Murphy's Law with Finagle's Law.  Finagle's Law states that "If it can go wrong, it will go wrong."  Murphy's Law states that "If there is a wrong way to do something, someone will do it".  Guess which one causes more trouble?

3:11  Sabers don't jam when you don't have time to clean them; a big ass hammer has no moving parts to fail.  Simplicity is both more reliable and more satisfying.  Dirty Harry would have been ten times cooler if he'd had a Samoan war club instead of a ridiculous hand cannon.

3:12  The Richterian doesn't make things; he/she makes things sharper.

3:13  If one pill works, two pills will work better.  Woe unto him who stops after only one glass of Maker's Mark, because moderation is for monks.

3:14  The perversity of the Universe tends towards a maximum.  This is as certain as the dawn.

3:15  Light a fire for a man, he will stay warm for a day.  Light a man on fire, he'll stay warm for the rest of his life.  Always think in the long run.

3:16  Inanimate objects are out to get us; we must get them first.  Therefore, always have thy whetstone to hand.

3:17  There  is a motivation in every human to troubleshoot the trash disposal by jamming one's hand down inside of it.  Many people can and do allow themselves to listen to this motivation, which is why there is an endless supply of people with their junk in the meat grinder and a silly grin on their faces, just waiting for someone to come along and turn the crank. 

3:18  Thus, the difference between heaven and hell is which side of the crank handle you're on.

3:19  A bazooka is always a convincing argument, even when you're wrong.

3:20  For every Greek wise man, there were 300,000 hairy, goat-eating barbarians who thought wife-stealing was a pretty good plan. 

3:21  It is a good idea to assume that everyone else on the road is a moron who will do the worst possible thing at the worst possible time...Even if they all look like Albert Einstein or Saint Francis of Assisi.  For all you know, those two were assholes at the wheel, too. 

3:22  Therefore we must assume that competence in one area does not imply competence in other areas.  This assumption is, of course, why so many middle managers appear to be idiots.

3:23  God didn't do that shit, YOU did that shit.  Wipe that smirk off your face and clean up this mess.

3:24  That person who has never woken up hung over and mortified has wasted their life.

3:25  There are no rest stops on The Lost Highway.  There are no chairs at the punk show.  Brakes are for those who cannot plan ahead.

3:26  A reliable but crappy-looking car has every practical advantage over a nice-looking car.  It will never be stolen, people stay the hell away from you on the road, and you don't care if some bastard keys it.

3:27  A proper human does not take orders from a machine.  End of story.

3:28  Door-to-door evangelists are a gift from God.  Just not in the sense that they have in mind.

3:29  There is no law against being an asshole.  There is no ethical dilemma in slapping a busybody.  There are no moral qualms at the punk show.

3:30  Never live in a ground floor apartment.

3:31  The number of friends you have is most accurately determined on moving day.

3:32  If every story you have involves you as the central character, you are being a bore.

3:33  Drugs are for people who can't handle Nyarlathotep.

3:34  Never plan on using something in the range between its operation limits and its engineering margin.  This cannot be stressed enough.

3:35 What is the nature of a nail?  To be pounded into wood.  Thus, what does the nail that sticks up desire?  It desires the hammer.  This is why the nail that sticks up gets the hammer; it demands it.

3:36  The early worm gets the bird.  The second rat gets the cheese.  A penny saved is a penny depreciated.  Proper planning keeps the fuck up fairy away.  SLOW DOWN.

3:37  Consider the Zen monk; the regular monk tells koans and gets results.  The Zazen monk uses a stick and gets better results.  The Richterian monk uses rebar and never has to repeat himself.

3:38  Study the legend of the Gordian Knot.  When a situation looks impossible, consider that the implied solutions will not work, but that other solutions might.  How do you ski through a revolving door?  Remove the door.  How do you solve the bridges of Prague puzzle?  Learn to swim.

3:39  You can't polish a turd.  It is what it is.  To expend energy denying basic tenets of the universe is best left to certain segments of the Texas and Kansas populations.

3:40  If you are doing something and it isn't working, check your procedure.  If you are getting the procedure correct but the results are wrong, throw out the procedure and try something else.

3:41  When the words "if only" come out of your mouth, you are wasting time and energy.  Imagining a dream world in which things just automatically go your way is yet another obstacle to getting your way.  Instead, learn the rules of the universe you are in, and use those rules to obtain what you want.  Cardinal Richelieu didn't get where he was by asking nicely.

3:42  Never panic.  Panicking shuts down your problem-solving skills.  You may safely ignore this if you are on fire, in which case all bets are off.

3:43  The reason artists such as rock stars, etc, go berserk isn't that they became artists.  Instead, they are artists because they are berserk.  Expecting them to behave themselves is like expecting the leopard to change his spots.

3:44  Therefore, it is important to establish root causes when examining a problem.  Troubleshooting from false assumptions does not yield viable results.

3:45  Aristotle was a jerk.  There is no substitute for testing a hypothesis via empirical evidence.

3:46  Be therefore not like that kind of engineer.  Go forth and get they boots and hands dirty, looking at the situation as it is; let your actions display your brains, not your mouth display your arrogance and ignorance.

3:47  A fool and his debating partner are indistinguishable from one another.

3:48  Argue not therefore with idiots; stand back and watch the show.  There is more humor to be had in watching a moron than there is in almost any other endeavor.

3:49  If the math says it is so, then it is so, no matter how weird it is.  Lots of shit happens that you aren't told about, so there's no way for you to judge what's too weird to be true.

3:50  90% of all insane fuck ups occur because people think they know how weird the universe can get.  Your plans should reflect this.
" It's just that Depeche Mode were a bunch of optimistic loveburgers."
- TGRR, shaming himself forever, 7/8/2017

"Billy, when I say that ethics is our number one priority and safety is also our number one priority, you should take that to mean exactly what I said. Also quality. That's our number one priority as well. Don't look at me that way, you're in the corporate world now and this is how it works."
- TGRR, raising the bar at work.

Anna Mae Bollocks

#1
February 17, 2014, 05:25:47 PM
Don't tell the Texans that the turd isn't getting any shinier. I WANT them to keep polishing, it keeps them occupied and not looking at me.

Also, :mittens:
Scantily-Clad Inspector of Gigantic and Unnecessary Cashews, Texas Division

The Good Reverend Roger

#2
February 17, 2014, 06:55:50 PM
Consolidated into one post.
" It's just that Depeche Mode were a bunch of optimistic loveburgers."
- TGRR, shaming himself forever, 7/8/2017

"Billy, when I say that ethics is our number one priority and safety is also our number one priority, you should take that to mean exactly what I said. Also quality. That's our number one priority as well. Don't look at me that way, you're in the corporate world now and this is how it works."
- TGRR, raising the bar at work.

The Good Reverend Roger

#3
February 17, 2014, 07:01:45 PM
Chapter 2 (parables) will begin later today, and will go until I run out of ideas.
" It's just that Depeche Mode were a bunch of optimistic loveburgers."
- TGRR, shaming himself forever, 7/8/2017

"Billy, when I say that ethics is our number one priority and safety is also our number one priority, you should take that to mean exactly what I said. Also quality. That's our number one priority as well. Don't look at me that way, you're in the corporate world now and this is how it works."
- TGRR, raising the bar at work.

Anna Mae Bollocks

#4
February 17, 2014, 07:25:54 PM
These should be engraved in stone in front of some government building.
Scantily-Clad Inspector of Gigantic and Unnecessary Cashews, Texas Division

The Good Reverend Roger

#5
February 17, 2014, 07:29:09 PM
Quote from: Tiddleywomp Cockletit on February 17, 2014, 07:25:54 PM
These should be engraved in stone in front of some government building.

Naw, some liberal would have a hissy fit.   :lulz:
" It's just that Depeche Mode were a bunch of optimistic loveburgers."
- TGRR, shaming himself forever, 7/8/2017

"Billy, when I say that ethics is our number one priority and safety is also our number one priority, you should take that to mean exactly what I said. Also quality. That's our number one priority as well. Don't look at me that way, you're in the corporate world now and this is how it works."
- TGRR, raising the bar at work.

Junkenstein

#6
February 17, 2014, 07:43:39 PM
Quote3:15  Light a fire for a man, he will stay warm for a day.  Light a man on fire, he'll stay warm for the rest of his life.  Always think in the long run.

3:15b Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will throw his toys from his pram because learning is hard and most people need new skills beating into them.
Nine naked Men just walking down the road will cause a heap of trouble for all concerned.

Richter

#7
February 17, 2014, 08:45:45 PM
Shit Richter Sayeth -

The more free time someone has to be "Concerned" the less their opinion should count for.  If it's their career, enlighten them about REAL problems.  Ex: (NSFW)  http://www.bestgore.com/bloody-injuries/woman-cut-ass-cheeks-ceramic-toilet-bowl/

Laceration is life's way of saying "watch your step asshole"

You can't make a mirror by grinding two bricks together, but you can use a brick to sharpen a bisscotti
Quote from: Eater of Clowns on May 22, 2015, 03:00:53 AM
Anyone ever think about how Richter inhabits the same reality as you and just scream and scream and scream, but in a good way?   :lulz:

Friendly Neighborhood Mentat

The Good Reverend Roger

#8
February 17, 2014, 09:27:32 PM
Quote from: Richter on February 17, 2014, 08:45:45 PM
Shit Richter Sayeth -

The more free time someone has to be "Concerned" the less their opinion should count for.  If it's their career, enlighten them about REAL problems.  Ex: (NSFW)  http://www.bestgore.com/bloody-injuries/woman-cut-ass-cheeks-ceramic-toilet-bowl/

Laceration is life's way of saying "watch your step asshole"

You can't make a mirror by grinding two bricks together, but you can use a brick to sharpen a bisscotti

Sounds like grist for chapter 1.
" It's just that Depeche Mode were a bunch of optimistic loveburgers."
- TGRR, shaming himself forever, 7/8/2017

"Billy, when I say that ethics is our number one priority and safety is also our number one priority, you should take that to mean exactly what I said. Also quality. That's our number one priority as well. Don't look at me that way, you're in the corporate world now and this is how it works."
- TGRR, raising the bar at work.

Richter

#9
February 17, 2014, 09:32:34 PM
Feel free to move / consolidate as appropriate. Currently un-snarling the brain
Quote from: Eater of Clowns on May 22, 2015, 03:00:53 AM
Anyone ever think about how Richter inhabits the same reality as you and just scream and scream and scream, but in a good way?   :lulz:

Friendly Neighborhood Mentat

Ben Shapiro

#10
February 18, 2014, 01:06:48 AM
<3 Roger I shared some of these on Fuckbook.

Mesozoic Mister Nigel

#11
February 18, 2014, 03:41:40 AM
:mittens:
"I'm guessing it was January 2007, a meeting in Bethesda, we got a bag of bees and just started smashing them on the desk," Charles Wick said. "It was very complicated."

Ben Shapiro

#12
February 19, 2014, 03:53:46 AM
Quote from: Dirty Old Uncle Roger on February 17, 2014, 07:29:09 PM
Quote from: Tiddleywomp Cockletit on February 17, 2014, 07:25:54 PM
These should be engraved in stone in front of some government building.

Naw, some liberal would have a hissy fit.   :lulz:

:lulz:

Pæs

#13
March 28, 2014, 02:52:14 AM
WE INTERRUPT THIS SERMON FOR A MOTIVATIONAL IMAGE

Luna

#14
March 28, 2014, 11:55:48 AM
 Awesome.
Death-dealing hormone freak of deliciousness
Pagan-Stomping Valkyrie of the Interbutts™
Rampaging Slayer of Shit-Fountain Habitues

"My father says that almost the whole world is asleep. Everybody you know, everybody you see, everybody you talk to. He says that only a few people are awake, and they live in a state of constant, total amazement."

Quote from: The Payne on November 16, 2011, 07:08:55 PM
If Luna was a furry, she'd sex humans and scream "BEASTIALITY!" at the top of her lungs at inopportune times.

Quote from: Nigel on March 24, 2011, 01:54:48 AM
I like the Luna one. She is a good one.

Quote
"Stop talking to yourself.  You don't like you any better than anyone else who knows you."
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