Stone (Poem!)

[Zurtok Khan]

If I was just one stone in the road or river,
I'd change the course of wheel or water,
and you'd all get pretty mad at me.
But if I was the dam, or highway, you built,
you'd be so happy I could change the course of your life

Are you afraid of the dam, or highway, building it's self?
Is that why you're so mad a me when I've changed the course
just a fraction of an inch that could save your life.

I'm the stone in the middle of the river,
and I'll one day change the course of more then just a wheel or some water.
I'm the stone in the middle of the road,
and I'll one day show you what a stone can do.

So you see that you can't say that I'm particularly rude,
just a stone in the course of history.
I may not be remembered,
or maybe my memory'll be refined;
but if I move all the wheels on the road
or all the water in the river,
you won't be afraid to remember me for all time.

We're the stones inside the river,
and we'll change history one gallon at a time.
We're the stone on the road,
and we'll change your life one wheel at a time.

[gnimbley]

This is my favorite of the recent rash of discordian poetry.

I especially like the last verse.

I think you need to rework the rest. Sometimes you try to say too much.
You try to reference water/wheel every time. Try thinking laterally
(whatever the hell that means) and letting the reader insert his
own experience for some of the water/wheels. Try being more
of the stone, less someone telling us about the stone.

Ignore the gnome. He's full of shit.

Am not!!

[Wishfarple]

The gnome's got a point.  Try saying what you're saying with fewer words, but make them more varied and, where possible, more appropriate.  Thesauri are everyone's friends.  

And yeah, don't tell me about the water.  SHOW me the water.  Make me feel the water, and touch the stone.  This poem isn't about the water and the stone, of course, but I think you get the idea.  It's almost the difference between the Buddha's finger and the moon.

[Zurtok Khan]

It's almost the difference between the Buddha's finger and the moon.

Finally someone critques me in a way that is both understandable and meaningful.

Thanks!