Vent

[The Good Reverend Roger]

Anger/frustration often contributes to or results from the anxiety and depression without any real outlet, tends to build up too. This just sounds amazing and has been something I have thought about, as it would not be fun to replace broken things in my house and/or explain to my boss why the phone and computer screen are now the same entity. I always thought there should be "therapeutic destruction" places for this sort of thing, and it never occurred to me that this could actually possibly be done at a junk yard. I may have to delve deeper into this.

True fact:  I have a line item in my budget for replacement desk & cell phones.  Beating a desk phone til the display turns purple and dies is kind of how I get through the bad days.  Also, putting my blackberry in the 120 ton press.

"What's that noise?"
- My boss, just before the death of cell phone #3.

[Junkenstein]

If you want to talk phones, I can suggest some desk phones that take a pounding and a few wall shots and keep ticking.

Lets me buy more paper.

[ñͤͣ̄ͦ̌̑͗͊͛͂͗ ̸̨̨̣̺̼̣̜͙͈͕̮̊̈́̈͂͛̽͊ͭ̓͆ͅé ̰̓̓́ͯ́́͞]

That sounds like a daily nightmare, TPZ.

I consider untreated chronic anxiety to be a grave health threat and urge you to take it as seriously as cancer. If you haven't taken a gander, please see Nigel's Robert Sapolsky total fawning fangirl thread for some of the best research on stress that has been done to date.

The good news is that anxiety disorders are fairly treatable, but sometimes that takes a little sorting out in terms of what works for you.

It's not terribly fun, I can say that. It would be nice to be able to relax without feeling guilty or worried. I've noticed that my body is almost always completely tense and I unconsciously seem to clench my jaw most of the time. (My doctor said it is like a German Shepherd's, haha). To an extent I've gotten used to all the buzzing in my head, which isn't a good thing, but when the buzzing stops, that's when I start waiting for the other shoe (that probably isn't there) to drop. But you are right, I have found myself concerned about the long term affects of this, physically and mentally. When I was at the doctor recently, she mentioned there was a "stronger" prescription she could give me, but it would be a daily thing, and we both agreed I would like to try to hold off on that if possible. With spring & summer coming, I am going to work on OUTSIDE more, give the 5-HTP a shot and see how things go.

I will definitely check out that thread too (looks interesting!) along with the video Junkenstein posted. Yesterday when I got home, my boyfriend was out early, so I helped him bottle his beer and a few other productive things, along with talk, so that helped distract/put my mind at ease for a bit. Thank god he is really understanding and supportive of me with all this, but that is not something I want to push. I am feeling a bit better today, though.

I totally hear you on not wanting to take more meds. It's just another expense, another thing to remember, another thing that could give side effects, drug interaction bullshit, can we trust pharmaceutical companies, what happens when you stop using it....I hate it so much.  But hell, if you find something that really works for you, run with it. The National Geographic special "Stress: Portrait of a Killer" is not exaggerating.

You also might consider looking into cognitive behavioral therapy, which seems to have pretty solid rates of success with anxiety and stress. This is from a fairly recent meta-analysis done by the NIH:

"The strongest support exists for CBT of anxiety disorders, somatoform disorders, bulimia, anger control problems, and general stress."
http://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s10608-012-9476-1

I worked with a therapist for about a year and half who did CBT (among other things) and I can count the number of anxiety issues I've had since then on one hand. It's been 13 years. I had thought that it was more of a genetic thing—that I just was born oversensitive to the world—and that I'd have to suffer through life with it. Luckily, I just happened to meet the right headshrinker and only found out he was doing CBT after the fact.

Whether it's meds, supplements, therapy, and/or smashing the shit out of inanimate objects, you can overcome this. With such a supportive partner, the guts to share your story with people, and the grit to have put up with it for so long without your life completely unravelling, I think you're already well on your way.

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

Depression is a fuck of a thing. It's strongest asset is it's ability to sap your will to fight it. Like sleep but totally shite and serving no discernible purpose. Fighting it isn't just possible, it's crucial. Lot of strategies out there. Grab a handful and muster the will to use them.

Sometimes I feel like while I'm moving I'm outrunning it but it's still there, chasing me down like a rabid bear. The minute I stop, I'm fucked. So I keep going, keep lying to myself about how cool I am, how strong I am, how everybody loves me. It may be pile of steaming horseshit but the part of my brain I need to convince is pretty fucking gullible.

This is the truth. I'm usually pretty good at distracting myself, but there are definitely times where it catches up with me and as much as I try to tell myself "go do stuff", there are just no fucks to be found, not even buried deep in the couch where all the lighters and coins wind up. The occasional paranoia/self-doubt when it comes to the people around me doesn't help either. And the "fake it til you make it" attitude definitely can be a help, I just have to work on not confusing that with "bottle everything deep down into a pocket of sadness until everything comes bursting out at once because you spilled a little milk".

I'm sorry to hear you're dealing with all this, TPZ... I really hope it starts to lift for you soon. The worrying and "what I might be forgetting" sounds really familiar and can be an early stage of an OCD episode, if you're prone to such things.

I'm not usually big on recommending drugs or supplements, but I've beed taking 5-HTP for about two years now and it does several things for me that are very noticeable; it keeps the OCD at bay, it helps to stave off my seasonal affective disorder and generally stabilizes my mood, and it helps me with my insomnia without making me groggy during the day. And it's cheap, in the vitamin section. It might be worth looking at, if you can take stuff like that.

The best part is that it seems to help stop that hamster-wheel of worry from spinning endlessly.

I've never been diagnosed with OCD, but it is a feeling that has come up more often. I figured it was part of the "generalized anxiety", but I have been known to turn around and go home because I didn't "watch" myself lock the door so I don't think that I did (it's always locked when I go back) or have to fight to keep heading to my destination because I am convinced something horrible is going to happen just because I left the house.

I do remember you talking about 5-HTP once, I believe in relation to this sort of issue. My boyfriend was taking it for insomnia for a bit so we may still have some at home. Usually I can barely stay awake by the end of the day, but I could be worn out from worrying all day. I did know he mentioned he did like the fact it helped him sleep without that "Nyquil" effect in the morning. Do you usually take it in the morning? It is worth trying at least. I have an anti-anxiety medication that I take as-needed, but I try to save that for REALLY bad days (I probably should have taken it yesterday), and a month's prescription can last me up to a year. I would like to see if the 5-HTP can maybe help regulate/stabilize things, at least, as you said, slow down that hamster on his wheel.

Yes, I generally take it in the morning, sometimes in the afternoon after class if I forget it in the morning. It takes a while to really take effect, maybe two weeks of taking it consistently. I take 100mg and it's perfect; I started with 50 and it wasn't quite enough.

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

Oh, the other thing I forgot to mention, which came to mind when you talked about the weather reverting to crap and how that made you feel, is that if you have Seasonal Affective Disorder at all, replacing all the bulbs in your house (as they burn out, not all at once because that shit's expensive) with bright-ass full-spectrum bulbs can make a big difference too. I keep my house bright as fuck, which drives some people crazy but I really need it.

[P3nT4gR4m]

With such a supportive partner, the guts to share your story with people

Depression, stress, anxiety... it's as common as fucked mothers. Hell, It's practically the new norm. I suspect a lot of members on any forum would have had similar issues, to greater or lesser degree. Some might have found tools you never thought of trying. You share, we share, whole bunch of people might get something positive out of it.

Maybe aint so gutsy after all. Maybe just feels that way when it's bad.