News:

In my heart I knew that rotten testicles and inflamed penises were on the way.

Main Menu

The Company Loves Me. The Have Sent Me a Friend.

Started by The Good Reverend Roger, June 10, 2014, 03:15:12 PM

Previous topic - Next topic
Print
Go Down Pages1 2 3 4 ... 12
User actions

The Good Reverend Roger

June 10, 2014, 03:15:12 PM
I have received an email from one of the big guys in Germany.  It seems that a young American process engineer has shamed himself badly, and is being sent back from Germany.  He is considered salvageable, as he seems to be some kind of genius. 

So for reasons that are murky at best, he is being sent to Tucson and assigned to me.  Fear me, for I am now apparently Father Confessor or some shit.  ANYWAY, I am told by those in charge that I am to mould this embryonic engineer into something that can be allowed out into traffic without offending Europeans and South Africans.  Yes.  He offends South Africans.  Which is sort of like offending a particularly callous Icelander.

My time to prepare for this is "mayonaise", as he is already in Tucson, and I meet him in, oh, 12 minutes.  I've at least had time to read his file and the long list of grievances he has generated.  He does not seem to be a particularly nice person.

I shall update you as this moves forward.  This seems to be the best chance to bray laughter so far this year.



" It's just that Depeche Mode were a bunch of optimistic loveburgers."
- TGRR, shaming himself forever, 7/8/2017

"Billy, when I say that ethics is our number one priority and safety is also our number one priority, you should take that to mean exactly what I said. Also quality. That's our number one priority as well. Don't look at me that way, you're in the corporate world now and this is how it works."
- TGRR, raising the bar at work.

LMNO

#1
June 10, 2014, 03:27:24 PM
Vindaloo and broccoli lunch.  It's the only way.

Q. G. Pennyworth

#2
June 10, 2014, 03:31:43 PM
:popcorn:

Nephew Twiddleton

#3
June 10, 2014, 03:34:32 PM
This should be interesting
Strange and Terrible Organ Laminator of Yesterday's Heavy Scene
Sentence or sentence fragment pending

Soy El Vaquero Peludo de Oro

TIM AM I, PRIMARY OF THE EXTRA-ATMOSPHERIC SIMIANS

Junkenstein

#4
June 10, 2014, 03:54:20 PM
Phrases to inspire fear and dread # 4457/J:
"sent to tucson"
Nine naked Men just walking down the road will cause a heap of trouble for all concerned.

The Good Reverend Roger

#5
June 10, 2014, 03:55:16 PM Last Edit: June 10, 2014, 03:56:49 PM by The Good Reverend Roger
So...Andrew.  Our initial meeting was short.  Very short.

He knocks on my office door.  I let out a keening wail for about 20 seconds.  There is a delay, followed by a light, tentative second knock.

"Come on it."

The door opens, and there the bastard stands, all ivy-league haircut and perfect teeth.  He has, as Cain once said, 'a very punchable face'.  I motion for him to sit down across from me, which he does.  He then graces me with what is best described as an extremely arrogant and condescending smile.  I decide that he and I are going to be good friends.

"I got sent up here to help you with things", he says, "And I feel that..."

"Shut up."

"What?"

"Shut.  Up."

Andrew turns red in the face, knuckles forward, the whole primate challenge response.  "I don't have to take this shit".

"No, you don't.  You have the option of gathering your shit and getting in your car, and seeking opportunities elsewhere.  Or you can shut up and listen."

He seems puzzled.  Confused. I imagine he is boggled by the notion that his PhD isn't carrying any weight with the bald-headed cromagnon guy across the desk from him.  He looks at me like he might look at a dog that trotted up to him and started reciting perfect Shakespeare.  Yes, he and I will be friends.  Special friends.

"You are here because you have made your name stink in Germany.  You are here to learn to get along or get out."

"Yes, I suppose part of this is for me to redeem myself."  He is trying to salvage at least some sort of position here.  Silly boy.  This is Tucson.  There is no 'redemption'.  He is, as Mike the Engineer is, stuck here forever.  With me.  But still, it helps to give them hope.

"Yes, that is what I have been led to understand.  You have been with the company since your recent doctorate, and you have spent that time worshiping false gods."

"wat"   There is a look of clear panic on his face now, as if he has finally realized where he is.  In Tucson.  In a shitty office.  Talking to a crazy person.

"Indeed.  You have worshiped at the altar of money, power, and arrogance, and neglected your one true god; sustained profitabiliity.  Your previous managers have done you a disservice, Andrew.  They have failed to impress upon you that the only measuring stick used here is that of the separation of the top and bottom line.  If you are making that happen, you are succeeding.  If you do not, you are failing."

"Hey, I added value by..."

"Silence, fleshy one."

Now he's really looking at me strangely.  This sounds like his problem, not mine.

"Here is how the universe operates from this point forward:  You have two hats.  Your first hat is process improvement.  This will involve you running the machines and working with operators.  You will not treat the operators like cogs, if you care at all for my advice.  They are very crude people, and they do not take offense lightly.  Think of them as a department full of perpetually-angry Welsh people."

"And my second hat is...?"

"Station Morale Officer."

"What the hell is that?"

"I am unsure.  It just came to me.  We'll figure this out together, you and I.  But right now, I need to take a lot of pills.  They make me feel horrible and sexy, you see.  Much the way I believe that you think speaking meaningless corporatese makes you look horrible and sexy.  We're both wrong, of course.  Now you should go shovel the rat shit out of the shitty little hole I have given you as an office, and get settled in, while I sit here and feel my bones dissolve.  We start work tomorrow."

He sits there, staring at me, like I'm going to go berserk right in front of him.  Ridiculous.  He hasn't earned that yet. I make a shooing motion, and he gets up and leaves the room, looking shellshocked.

Now I have to decide what a "Station Morale Officer" does.  I don't think it will be pretty.  This is, after all, Tucson.

Redemption.  Heh.





" It's just that Depeche Mode were a bunch of optimistic loveburgers."
- TGRR, shaming himself forever, 7/8/2017

"Billy, when I say that ethics is our number one priority and safety is also our number one priority, you should take that to mean exactly what I said. Also quality. That's our number one priority as well. Don't look at me that way, you're in the corporate world now and this is how it works."
- TGRR, raising the bar at work.

LMNO

#6
June 10, 2014, 03:58:41 PM
Those toilets don't clean themselves, you know....



Or, perhaps more insulting, he's in charge of the coffee.

The Good Reverend Roger

#7
June 10, 2014, 04:00:15 PM
Quote from: LMNO, PhD (life continues) on June 10, 2014, 03:58:41 PM
Those toilets don't clean themselves, you know....



Or, perhaps more insulting, he's in charge of the coffee.

No, no, I feel my Holy Bits moving around. 

Also, Tiny Killer Ninja makes the best coffee ever, and we have janitors for the toilets.  We do not piss the janitors off.  No.
" It's just that Depeche Mode were a bunch of optimistic loveburgers."
- TGRR, shaming himself forever, 7/8/2017

"Billy, when I say that ethics is our number one priority and safety is also our number one priority, you should take that to mean exactly what I said. Also quality. That's our number one priority as well. Don't look at me that way, you're in the corporate world now and this is how it works."
- TGRR, raising the bar at work.

The Good Reverend Roger

#8
June 10, 2014, 04:01:21 PM
It occurs to me that it gets easier to be the asshole on the other side of the desk, as the years go on.
" It's just that Depeche Mode were a bunch of optimistic loveburgers."
- TGRR, shaming himself forever, 7/8/2017

"Billy, when I say that ethics is our number one priority and safety is also our number one priority, you should take that to mean exactly what I said. Also quality. That's our number one priority as well. Don't look at me that way, you're in the corporate world now and this is how it works."
- TGRR, raising the bar at work.

Junkenstein

#9
June 10, 2014, 04:11:37 PM
Quote"Yes, that is what I have been led to understand.  You have been with the company since your recent doctorate, and you have spent that time worshiping false gods."

"wat"   There is a look of clear panic on his face now, as if he has finally realized where he is.  In Tucson.  In a shitty office.  Talking to a crazy person.

Sniggered up to this point and lost my shit there.

I give the guy 2 weeks, tops.

I've got some suggestions for Morale Officer, if you'd care to hear them. The thing to focus on first is building your morale. Use that as a starting point and you won't be far wrong.

Tip - Those animal mascot outfits are surprisingly cheap.
Nine naked Men just walking down the road will cause a heap of trouble for all concerned.

Suu

#10
June 10, 2014, 04:14:49 PM
When I grow up, I want to be a manager like Roger.
Sovereign Episkopos-Princess Kaousuu; Esq., Battle Nun, Bene Gesserit.
Our Lady of Perpetual Confusion; 1st Church of Discordia

"Add a dab of lavender to milk, leave town with an orange, and pretend you're laughing at it."

The Good Reverend Roger

#11
June 10, 2014, 04:19:03 PM
Quote from: Junkenstein on June 10, 2014, 04:11:37 PM
Quote"Yes, that is what I have been led to understand.  You have been with the company since your recent doctorate, and you have spent that time worshiping false gods."

"wat"   There is a look of clear panic on his face now, as if he has finally realized where he is.  In Tucson.  In a shitty office.  Talking to a crazy person.

Sniggered up to this point and lost my shit there.

I give the guy 2 weeks, tops.

I've got some suggestions for Morale Officer, if you'd care to hear them. The thing to focus on first is building your morale. Use that as a starting point and you won't be far wrong.

Tip - Those animal mascot outfits are surprisingly cheap.

No, I have a Holy Premonition™ that this will sort itself out.  It's too awesome not to do so.
" It's just that Depeche Mode were a bunch of optimistic loveburgers."
- TGRR, shaming himself forever, 7/8/2017

"Billy, when I say that ethics is our number one priority and safety is also our number one priority, you should take that to mean exactly what I said. Also quality. That's our number one priority as well. Don't look at me that way, you're in the corporate world now and this is how it works."
- TGRR, raising the bar at work.

The Good Reverend Roger

#12
June 10, 2014, 04:20:44 PM
Quote from: The Suu on June 10, 2014, 04:14:49 PM
When I grow up, I want to be a manager like Roger.

Easy.  Take a lot of pills.  Move to the desert.  Stare into it a lot.  Stare into it until it becomes uncomfortable with the whole thing.  Spend loads of time butt-ass nekkid in your back yard (Stetson and engineer boots, of course...Safety first).  Work for naifs who believe everything they were ever told about America™.
" It's just that Depeche Mode were a bunch of optimistic loveburgers."
- TGRR, shaming himself forever, 7/8/2017

"Billy, when I say that ethics is our number one priority and safety is also our number one priority, you should take that to mean exactly what I said. Also quality. That's our number one priority as well. Don't look at me that way, you're in the corporate world now and this is how it works."
- TGRR, raising the bar at work.

Junkenstein

#13
June 10, 2014, 04:23:28 PM
I'm guessing he makes some kind of complaint about you by the end of the day. Probably about 16:55, or as close to it as possible.

Nine naked Men just walking down the road will cause a heap of trouble for all concerned.

The Good Reverend Roger

#14
June 10, 2014, 04:25:33 PM
Quote from: Junkenstein on June 10, 2014, 04:23:28 PM
I'm guessing he makes some kind of complaint about you by the end of the day. Probably about 16:55, or as close to it as possible.

15 minutes ago (more or less the moment he left my office).  I have just recieved a cheerfully malevolent email from the stratospheric levels of the company that I am kicking that ass.

I have never seen such gleeful schadenfreude in an actual German person.
" It's just that Depeche Mode were a bunch of optimistic loveburgers."
- TGRR, shaming himself forever, 7/8/2017

"Billy, when I say that ethics is our number one priority and safety is also our number one priority, you should take that to mean exactly what I said. Also quality. That's our number one priority as well. Don't look at me that way, you're in the corporate world now and this is how it works."
- TGRR, raising the bar at work.
Print
Go Up Pages1 2 3 4 ... 12
User actions