HORRIBLE WISDOM

[Junkenstein]

Greetings gentle readers,

Today, Horrible Uncle Junkie officially opens his heart to all poor souls needing a little HORRIBLE WISDOM in their lives. I'm sure other fine Doktors will assist operations as required.

First up, Little Billy Raztech (19) asked:

I'm surrounded by redskins fans right now.  Productivity has almost entirely been replaced by bitching.  And they still won't turn down the fucking smooth jazz. How do I improve my situation?

Well firstly, like all advice columns, here's a sentence or two of padding and bullshit. This is apparently mandatory and people who get paid for this charge by the word. Let's call it setting precedence because I'm obviously pre-famous now. Yeah, that's how it works.

Secondly, I'm going to re-phrase your statement to make forthcoming actions much more palatable to deal with. "Organised sports fans won't SHUT UP and DO SHIT. And the music is bad."

This is obviously intolerable.

The start of the problem, is that you don't give a huge fuck about X. This is kind of your problem. To all of them, you are now THAT GUY. They've got a collective emotion which you don't give a fuck about. There's also enough of them who aren't paid enough to give a fuck to keep doing their job.

The first option is simple - Slack off yourself, zone out and be in the conversation in body only. Simple meditation techniques are useful here. A nice one for beginners is "pick a film you know really well and watch it in your head". Everyone's got a film they've seen that much, or swap in a album if you're so inclined. If there isn't one already in your head, watch the same film 4-5 times in a row, in a day. Pick something good. I've got Return of the Jedi and regret it now. With the odd grunt and general mumbling with the group feeling, this is an easy low level out.

Step up, would be earplugs if at all possible. Move away and crack on solo as far as possible.

Don't want to slack by yourself or in a group? Actually need to get shit done? Well shit. First thing is that music. If you can't seize control or demand equal/equitable time with your own tastes - IT GOES. Safety first is a good one, "does this place have a broadcasting consent (Check your own laws and lingo - most workplaces need some form of license to play music/radio/TV.) Guess how many places have one.

Both of those no good? Shit. You could try company policies and procedures, or you could just sabotage some shit. You would be AMAZED at how long it can take some places to fix a cut wire. Work late one day and scope it out on the QT. Leave it at least 3-4 days after the recon, longer if possible, shorter is sloppy, especially if you've already made a stink. Don't get smart and think about evidence, just ensure no CCTV and eventually a rat will get blamed. It's obviously better to go for as close to the speaker as possible, and the speaker in an ideal world. If you can get free reign, your best case is


THIS SHIT.

Expanding foam, motherfucker. A tin isn't very expensive and they'll spend a good while thinking they can fix the speaker before realizing it's FUBAR. Any of those should buy you a couple of days of blessed silence. It's also value for money as one tin can cover quite a few speakers. I recommend a 20 second spray/stop pretty much regardless of brand. As soon as you can see foam, you're golden.

So, it's quiet but those fuckwits are still going on about local sports team?

Well, you have options, but they change drastically on your relative position to them.

Assuming you are senior, and need them to do things, you must TELL THEM WHAT. Loudly. State consequences for the next most senior person. You are already that guy to them in this situation, so revel as you become an immediate outlet for their ire and continue to TELL THEM WHAT.

Assuming equal or junior, TELL THEM WHAT. State that consequences are going to befall THEM not YOU.

Other options include, but are not limited to:

- Full on THAT GUY. Embrace your role as that guy and talk as loudly as possible at all costs about something that interests only you. If anyone shares or picks up on that conversation, you need to be more hipster than thou. Not the film, not the special edition of the film, not the 1997 recut of the film, you're talking about main actor edited recut of the pre-screened 1996 version that was shot in sepia on a handheld camera film. Bore the piss out of them with it. Directly ignore conversation not related to it and ask questions only about it. When this gets questioned state that they are boring the piss out of you so it seemed only reasonable to do it back.

-Self entertainment - Human siren. Any conversation about Local sports team will have the same fucking words, phrases and expressions used over and over and over and over until you get the red fading in a little. Pick a couple of these and choose some noises. A cough, hum, short whistle are good. Whenever what you picked comes up, subtly make the noise. Examine the group. See if any are prone to mimicking mannerisms. I bet at least 1 is in any group of 5+. Now, what did we learn from Uncle Pavlov? It is possible to have 6 people in a group of 10 making a humming sound after a players name before one questions why the fuck that's going on. I suspect higher numbers are possible with a bigger group.

The possibility or realities of actual consequences are remote? Well, fuck man, don't you have a phone or something? It's the future and you're moaning about shitty workmates? You seem to have EMPLOYMENT and INTERNET ACCESS in a WESTERN NATION. Compared to many you're doing pretty damn peachy. And hey, if it always gets too much, you can just punch the most irritating bastard in the mouth and quit. Sometimes, that's the best damn thing to do. 

[LMNO]

[The Good Reverend Roger]

I have something to add to this, but I am dealing with a near-miss at work.

I'll be back on tomorrow.

[Junkenstein]

I look forward to it. You've got it to spare, I'm doing this as a tax write off.

[Raz Tech]

This is beautiful.  Thank you for slapping me with your long hard stick of horrible wisdom.

[Cardinal Pizza Deliverance.]

I like it. Expanding foam you say? Time to scope out the CCTV camera positions . . .

[UB]

I like it. Expanding foam you say? Time to scope out the CCTV camera positions . . .

It can be a disastrous mess if you're not into the cutting and cleanup...