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Tell me about my sex life...

Started by Eater of Clowns, July 15, 2014, 12:48:59 PM

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Eater of Clowns

Exactly what the title says.

Describe the sex life of the person above you.

GO!
Quote from: Pippa Twiddleton on December 22, 2012, 01:06:36 AM
EoC, you are the bane of my existence.

Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger on March 07, 2014, 01:18:23 AM
EoC doesn't make creepy.

EoC makes creepy worse.

Quote
the afflicted persons get hold of and consume carrots even in socially quite unacceptable situations.

Suu

They don't call it New BEDford for nothing. Though rumor has it that when EoC was captaining a whaling ship back in 1832, there was a incident that involved him falling overboard and ravaging a passing leviathan. Hence how it got the name, "Sperm whale."
Sovereign Episkopos-Princess Kaousuu; Esq., Battle Nun, Bene Gesserit.
Our Lady of Perpetual Confusion; 1st Church of Discordia

"Add a dab of lavender to milk, leave town with an orange, and pretend you're laughing at it."

Junkenstein

Over 400 people were reported missing after Suu's last bout of coitus which alledgedly faithfully recreated the life and times of Elizabeth Bathory. Survivors claim the event was conducted in full period dress and was instigated upon receipt of a highly passive aggressive complaint.

If you think a relative may have been involved in the event, you are encouraged to contact the national hotline 0800 STOP SUU.
Nine naked Men just walking down the road will cause a heap of trouble for all concerned.

Eater of Clowns

Demolition was a natural choice for Junkenstein for the simple fact that his ejaculate is pure nitroglycerin. This would be harmful, fatal in fact, to his partners, if his partners were human or, indeed, alive at all. None know for sure what gets him going, only that rubble and dust mark the spots of his lovemaking.
Quote from: Pippa Twiddleton on December 22, 2012, 01:06:36 AM
EoC, you are the bane of my existence.

Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger on March 07, 2014, 01:18:23 AM
EoC doesn't make creepy.

EoC makes creepy worse.

Quote
the afflicted persons get hold of and consume carrots even in socially quite unacceptable situations.

Junkenstein

It's difficult to say which came first with EOC. He's always had a fasciation with the donkey show, but when the pencil moustache started showing at 15 his fate was pretty much sealed. His paramours are many and varied but we can safely say that they are all warm blooded.

While there's nothing strictly illegal going on, most civilised folks would consider his tastes to be in a quite-grey-in-fact-it's-very-dark-grey-almost-black sphere and there has never been a satisfactory answer as to why any one person (or group of mammals) would need so much hose and so many cable ties. Claims of "I get discounts by the pallet" are openly considered to be lies. 
Nine naked Men just walking down the road will cause a heap of trouble for all concerned.

P3nT4gR4m

It's become a euphemism. You see some girl in a wheelchair or a guy with an arm or leg missing. A dog with it's ear chewed off. "They've fucked Junkenstein" Y'know like "bought the farm" or "screwed the pooch" only with the kind of sinister undertones that can cause PTSD, just from hearing the tales that gave rise to those grim expressions. Spare a thought for the (thankfully) small minority of the global population who have actually survived the ordeal and held on to enough fragments of their mind to tell those tales.

No one's ever actually seen Junkenstein's penis, in the flesh as it were. Two reasons - One it's retractable and, two, he wears "the device" over the sheath opening, meaning the organ itself is never exposed to daylight. Daylight and garlic are believed to be the only things in existence capable of destroying Junkenstein's penis but this is based on speculation and a strong correlation with other, fictional, organisms popularly credited with the ability to suck the lifeblood from mammals.

There's another school of thought who believe Junkenstein's penis can never be destroyed and we are all, in fact, doomed. The truth of the matter may well be even more disturbing. The reason is closely related to recent developments in the quantum mathematics solving for Junkenstein's libido. If the work of Gibberlin and Tomaszewski is leading where many academic experts believe it could be, we may be on the verge of a strong and cohesive general theory of depravity which has the potential to negate Newtonian physics and unify General Relativity and Quantum Theory in one fell swoop, just not in a way that falls short of inducing a vomit reflex in anyone who understands the equations and the implications thereof.

When mating with Junkenstein, one is advised to maintain adequate situational awareness, be trained in at least three martial arts and possessed of a well practised ability to maintain breathing during extended periods of projectile vomiting. All the hairs on the back of one's neck MUST be shaved off and genitallia can be expected to be turned inside out during intercourse. Good luck in there and remember, no matter how great the temptation to look - don't open your eyes. It's not worth it.




I'm up to my arse in Brexit Numpties, but I want more.  Target-rich environments are the new sexy.
Not actually a meat product.
Ass-Kicking & Foot-Stomping Ancient Master of SHIT FUCK FUCK FUCK
Awful and Bent Behemothic Results of Last Night's Painful Squat.
High Altitude Haggis-Filled Sex Bucket From Beyond Time and Space.
Internet Monkey Person of Filthy and Immoral Pygmy-Porn Wart Contagion
Octomom Auxillary Heat Exchanger Repairman
walking the fine line line between genius and batshit fucking crazy

"computation is a pattern in the spacetime arrangement of particles, and it's not the particles but the pattern that really matters! Matter doesn't matter." -- Max Tegmark

Salty

P3nt's spores have by now covered every surface of the earth, where they lie dormant until they find their way into a human brain. Then, they settle in the neocortex causing their owners to believe in shit like indigo children and the danger of vaccination.

Many species reproduce in an effort to increase their numbers. P3nt increases the level of derp in those around him to gain superiority.

Which, of course, will eventuall backfire when he is burned alive for heresy by those same slackjawed, glassy eyed mutants he created.
The world is a car and you're the crash test dummy.

Eater of Clowns

You may have heard that the psychotropic element of mushrooms is not digestible, and can thus be harvested from the urine of the previous user. There are tales of early peoples drinking animal urine to experience the effects of mushrooms that would be otherwise poisonous to humans. Alty personally believes this also to be true of sexual ability, and has spent the last ten years of his life harvesting, and imbibing, walrus piss.

We've all received those ads for male enhancement. Alty has too, and he knows it's for suckers. "They're just walrus piss pills," he'd say, drinking a rancid glass of aquatic mammal urine.

Hear tell, it works too. The man's an absolute demon. Tales of dreamy eyed men and women walking around bow legged and smiling, frequenting the saw dust covered floors of whatever shit dive bar they think Alty may patron that evening.

It should be said that as interest rose in Alty's particular method, studies were undertaken and, no, one gains neither walrus virility nor penile girth from drinking their urine. Yet still he does it, and still it works for him.
Quote from: Pippa Twiddleton on December 22, 2012, 01:06:36 AM
EoC, you are the bane of my existence.

Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger on March 07, 2014, 01:18:23 AM
EoC doesn't make creepy.

EoC makes creepy worse.

Quote
the afflicted persons get hold of and consume carrots even in socially quite unacceptable situations.

P3nT4gR4m

EOC does exactly what it says on the tin - Don't expect any form of head unless you're at least wearing the red nose and (preferrably) full-body greasepainted.

I'm up to my arse in Brexit Numpties, but I want more.  Target-rich environments are the new sexy.
Not actually a meat product.
Ass-Kicking & Foot-Stomping Ancient Master of SHIT FUCK FUCK FUCK
Awful and Bent Behemothic Results of Last Night's Painful Squat.
High Altitude Haggis-Filled Sex Bucket From Beyond Time and Space.
Internet Monkey Person of Filthy and Immoral Pygmy-Porn Wart Contagion
Octomom Auxillary Heat Exchanger Repairman
walking the fine line line between genius and batshit fucking crazy

"computation is a pattern in the spacetime arrangement of particles, and it's not the particles but the pattern that really matters! Matter doesn't matter." -- Max Tegmark

trix

P3NT, it is said, goes after only the most lustful, willing, and insatiable partners he can find.  If you can't get enough of sex, you haven't met P3NT.  I know of an Asylum, a converted mansion, that holds over 600 men, women, and "other", each in complete isolation.  The rumor is, that is where P3NT's victims go, begging to be locked up, strapped down and blindfolded, just to absolutely minimize the chances of anything reminding them of sex ever again.  The rumor goes on to say that after about one month, each victim of P3NT ends up both dying painfully and giving birth to what sounds an awful lot like a baby zombie.  Apparently this happens regardless of victim's gender or species.

If this rumor is true, and we all know that it is, that means that the entire large population of this asylum contains P3NT's victims just from the last month, and even then only the ones that survived and managed to find the place and arrive in time.
There's good news tonight.  And bad news.  First, the bad news: there is no good news.  Now, the good news: you don't have to listen to the bad news.
Zen Without Zen Masters

Quote from: Cain
Gender is a social construct.  As society, we get to choose your gender.

Nephew Twiddleton

Strange and Terrible Organ Laminator of Yesterday's Heavy Scene
Sentence or sentence fragment pending

Soy El Vaquero Peludo de Oro

TIM AM I, PRIMARY OF THE EXTRA-ATMOSPHERIC SIMIANS

trix

I have heard that sex with Twid is like all the sweetest highs from all the sweetest drugs packed into a grenade and launched directly at your naughty bits at point blank range.

After the mandatory six year recovery and detox period, every single person who has experienced a shot of Twid has gone on to make the most amazing Metal, even if they used to be a lawyer or something.
There's good news tonight.  And bad news.  First, the bad news: there is no good news.  Now, the good news: you don't have to listen to the bad news.
Zen Without Zen Masters

Quote from: Cain
Gender is a social construct.  As society, we get to choose your gender.

Nephew Twiddleton

Quote from: trix on July 16, 2014, 05:01:14 AM
I have heard that sex with Twid is like all the sweetest highs from all the sweetest drugs packed into a grenade and launched directly at your naughty bits at point blank range.

After the mandatory six year recovery and detox period, every single person who has experienced a shot of Twid has gone on to make the most amazing Metal, even if they used to be a lawyer or something.

That.

Is some impressive advertising. I'm quite flattered.

I don't think I've bonked any lawyers though, but, we won't alert the FDA to that fact.
Strange and Terrible Organ Laminator of Yesterday's Heavy Scene
Sentence or sentence fragment pending

Soy El Vaquero Peludo de Oro

TIM AM I, PRIMARY OF THE EXTRA-ATMOSPHERIC SIMIANS

minuspace

Twid, you see, is the jealous kind of misanthrope.  He delights on the sentiment you so seem to lack for his appreciation.  He will riddle any semblance of what you consider intimacy with the humuncular image of his gonads rattling in you brain.  This is considered the most indulgent response to your suplications for mercy.

Junkenstein

Holy shit. Let me give you a quick run down on the myriad perversion of LuciferX.

For a start, Bronies. Ever wondered who that guy in the incontinence pants holding stuffed toys was posing for? Well, now you know. Let's be fair, there are more disturbing fetishes out there but not many people enjoy watching adults degrade themselves to this extent.

It doesn't stop there, but I'm too sickened to continue. If you see LuciferX near any Bronie events, alert the local authorities quietly as they keep going missing and no-one seems to care. That may not sound like a problem now but in 5 years they will be an endangered sub-culture with a variety of rights and special laws protecting them.

Only YOU can stop LuciferX giving Bronies substantial political protections and power.   
Nine naked Men just walking down the road will cause a heap of trouble for all concerned.