Twid writes your obituary

[Reginald Ret]

AMSTERDAM, NORTH HOLLAND RET, Reg

Reginald Ret illegally immigrated to Heaven in the early hours of Friday, 6 November 2014 after dying of thirst after the next Dutch person scheduled to relieve him of his finger in the dam crack obligations caught a bad case of Americanitis and decided to say "fuck this job, I'm going to smoke weed and visit a brothel." He was 31, and almost old enough to no longer be eligible for dam duty. His final words are said to have been "how is it that Amsterdam is our capital but the seat of government is the Hague?" He is the only Dutchman to have died while on dam duty. As a result, he has been posthumously awarded the Military William Order and King Willem-Alexander is personally seeing to repairing the crack by creating a statue of Reg with its finger in the crack. Reg's ashes will be interred underneath it and a bed of tulips planted around it, and 6 November has been declared a bank holiday.

Well researched.

This one was hilariously depressing though:

These are Genius!
Kill me next!

i.e. Reginald Ret died and nobody said much of anything.


E.T.A. I just noticed!

[Nephew Twiddleton]

AMSTERDAM, NORTH HOLLAND RET, Reg

Reginald Ret illegally immigrated to Heaven in the early hours of Friday, 6 November 2014 after dying of thirst after the next Dutch person scheduled to relieve him of his finger in the dam crack obligations caught a bad case of Americanitis and decided to say "fuck this job, I'm going to smoke weed and visit a brothel." He was 31, and almost old enough to no longer be eligible for dam duty. His final words are said to have been "how is it that Amsterdam is our capital but the seat of government is the Hague?" He is the only Dutchman to have died while on dam duty. As a result, he has been posthumously awarded the Military William Order and King Willem-Alexander is personally seeing to repairing the crack by creating a statue of Reg with its finger in the crack. Reg's ashes will be interred underneath it and a bed of tulips planted around it, and 6 November has been declared a bank holiday.

Well researched.

This one was hilariously depressing though:

These are Genius!
Kill me next!

i.e. Reginald Ret died and nobody said much of anything.


E.T.A. I just noticed!

Yeah, I have no idea what happened with that. My phone ate my response, which was something along the lines of "thinking one up now"

[Nephew Twiddleton]

I'm glad you like the Reginald Ret bit, that one just came to me mid sentence 

[LMNO]

BOZEMAN, MONTANA PANCE, Alpha

Boston refugee and drummer, Alpha "LMNO" Pance, was hired by Spirit World, Inc's indecipherable memo department. A sensible man, he decided at the onset of the Gogira Ascension Event that laid waste to much of New England was as good a time as any to pay an extended visit to Montana and pursue his passion for being a Big Gay Cowboy. Known around Bozeman as leader of inebriated vigilante group, Posse Vodka, he was largely seen as a force for good, even if that good was occasionally achieved by violating local decency laws. He leaves behind his wife, Mrs. LMNO, and his trusty horse, Kiki.