Author Topic: E.D.S. - the true adversary  (Read 1958 times)

The Wizard Joseph

  • Still chasing after the Eternal question, "What IS a Juggalo?"
  • Deserved It
  • ****
  • Posts: 4844
  • Product of Wisconsin
    • View Profile
E.D.S. - the true adversary
« on: January 17, 2015, 03:20:10 am »
The Telos Foundation
Dedicated to eradicating E.D.S. (Existential Despair Syndrome)

Telos cares.

Before you make the only life decision that can't be learned from.
Talk to Telos.

Before your suffering overloads your will and you decide to ultimately kick back, relax, and end your days with a few bleach coladas.
Give Telos a call. There's always a better drink to be had.

If you're contemplating jumping into the woodchipper at work because your family could do quite well on the insurance settlement and the bastards never do put up the safety rail.
Let Telos be your helper. We can help you understand how to send photos to O.S.H.A.

If the endless and meaningless dance of folly and flesh that passes for your fellow humans has you considering a mass murder spree and inevitable running mutual manhunt that would make I.S.I.S. cream its pants and possibly even start getting truly creative.

Tell Telos all about it. If nothing is impossible anything can be forgiven, even stupid. Patience and Grace are essential virtues; Telos can show you all of the best lesser evils.

E.D.S. is a real thing.

It often tragically wastes lives and has untold economic consequences for both the health care and junkfood markets.

We at The Telos Foundation have our entire beings focused on only one singular goal.
E.D.S. will be eliminated from the human experience.

Though this brazen goal may rightly smack of madness to the reasoning person we at Telos understand the critical need for nonsense weapons to fight a nonsense war.

Existential Despair does not reason.
Existential Despair does not compromise.
Existential Despair does not give up it's assault on humanity wherever it can find even shallow purchase in our lives.
To truly achieve it's founding goal against an implacable adversary Telos has no option but to commit totally.

As it stands that the current protectionist legal structures prevent Telos from monitoring for E.D.S. and eradicating it in homes, public and private offices, and various throughfares Telos must rely on YOU to know the myriad signs of E.D.S. and reach out to us.
 We exist to help, and we need your help.

Signs of advanced, dangerous E.D.S. may include, but are not limited in any way to:

Lengthy instances of staring at the wall, especially if characterized by low growls, eye twitching or rolling, or unacknowledged incontinence

Obsession with weapons and other deadly objects including excessive cleaning of or going to bed with said objects
(BE ADVISED: these may appear to be ordinary objects at first glance)

The appearance of holding back tears of rage, with possible hand clenching, oral foaming, and shaking
(this may be especially apparent while discussing "hot button" topics such as work, family troubles, romantic interests, politics, the environment, economics, faith, or any form of sport, gambling, or ontology)

Early signs may include excessive interest in books, games, television or any other immersive media in an attempt "to drown out the baleful din of this blighted world"
(sic)

If you still hold to your surely reasonable doubts The Telos Foundation invites you to watch this short clip from the ground breaking film
"Full Metal Jacket"
http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=6hkNuykz2RE

The 2 prior videos in the "Gomer Pyle" series demonstrate the incredible effort that was put into treatment but, as the video in the link shows, ultimately the final attempt by the Sargent to reason with the poor man proved a tragic, preventable folly.

Do not allow the inevitable spread of E.D.S. to continue unopposed.
Work with Telos to put an end to the waste, without wasting yourself.


This message commissioned by The Telos Foundation

Telos, we will never stop helping
No matter what
Ever








Just something from my archive before I crash. Worked until 8 today and going in again at 5:30 tomorrow morning. I do things for these people and the cash that even God wouldn't ask of me.


You can't get out backward.  You have to go forward to go back.. better press on! - Willie Wonka, PBUH

Life can be seen as a game with no reset button, no extra lives, and if the power goes out there is no restarting.  If that's all you see life as you are not long for this world, and never will get it.

"Ayn Rand never swung a hammer in her life and had serious dominance issues" - The Fountainhead

"World domination is such an ugly phrase. I prefer to call it world optimisation."
 - Harry Potter and the Methods of Rationality :lulz:

"You program the controller to do the thing, only it doesn't do the thing.  It does something else entirely, or nothing at all.  It's like voting."
- Billy, Aug 21st, 2019

"It's not even chaos anymore. It's BANAL."
- Doktor Hamish Howl

Mesozoic Mister Nigel

  • v=1/3πr2h
  • Deserved It
  • ****
  • Posts: 77698
  • The sky tastes like red exuberance.
    • View Profile
Re: E.D.S. - the true adversary
« Reply #1 on: January 17, 2015, 04:02:58 am »
Unfortunately I couldn't stop thinking about Ehlers-Danlos syndrome, which one of my close friends suffers from. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ehlers%E2%80%93Danlos_syndrome
“I’m guessing it was January 2007, a meeting in Bethesda, we got a bag of bees and just started smashing them on the desk,” Charles Wick said. “It was very complicated.”


The Wizard Joseph

  • Still chasing after the Eternal question, "What IS a Juggalo?"
  • Deserved It
  • ****
  • Posts: 4844
  • Product of Wisconsin
    • View Profile
Re: E.D.S. - the true adversary
« Reply #2 on: January 17, 2015, 10:50:37 am »
Unfortunately I couldn't stop thinking about Ehlers-Danlos syndrome, which one of my close friends suffers from. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ehlers%E2%80%93Danlos_syndrome

Holy crap! I'm very sorry to hear your friend suffers from that. It sounds horrible. I was unaware of the acronym or the disease.

Acronym failure.
You can't get out backward.  You have to go forward to go back.. better press on! - Willie Wonka, PBUH

Life can be seen as a game with no reset button, no extra lives, and if the power goes out there is no restarting.  If that's all you see life as you are not long for this world, and never will get it.

"Ayn Rand never swung a hammer in her life and had serious dominance issues" - The Fountainhead

"World domination is such an ugly phrase. I prefer to call it world optimisation."
 - Harry Potter and the Methods of Rationality :lulz:

"You program the controller to do the thing, only it doesn't do the thing.  It does something else entirely, or nothing at all.  It's like voting."
- Billy, Aug 21st, 2019

"It's not even chaos anymore. It's BANAL."
- Doktor Hamish Howl

Eater of Clowns

  • Deposed Mexico
  • Deserved It
  • ****
  • Posts: 5739
  • Limpid Lust Pariah of Foulness
    • View Profile
Re: E.D.S. - the true adversary
« Reply #3 on: January 17, 2015, 01:39:52 pm »
Just add Acute in front of it and it should be fine? Good piece, though.
EoC, you are the bane of my existence.

EoC doesn't make creepy.

EoC makes creepy worse.

Quote
the afflicted persons get hold of and consume carrots even in socially quite unacceptable situations.

The Wizard Joseph

  • Still chasing after the Eternal question, "What IS a Juggalo?"
  • Deserved It
  • ****
  • Posts: 4844
  • Product of Wisconsin
    • View Profile
Re: E.D.S. - the true adversary
« Reply #4 on: January 17, 2015, 03:45:41 pm »
Just add Acute in front of it and it should be fine? Good piece, though.

Thanks! Just a parody rant I did on my phone a while back on a bad day.

A.E.D.S.

I like it! When my brain tries to say it it sounds like A.I.D.S.... ah whatever acronyms just suck anyway.

We need a gov agency called DAC.

Department of Acronym Compliance... because bureaucracy is now our only hope against the threat posed by Linguistic Truncation Disorder, a rising global problem.

I gotta stop. :eek:
You can't get out backward.  You have to go forward to go back.. better press on! - Willie Wonka, PBUH

Life can be seen as a game with no reset button, no extra lives, and if the power goes out there is no restarting.  If that's all you see life as you are not long for this world, and never will get it.

"Ayn Rand never swung a hammer in her life and had serious dominance issues" - The Fountainhead

"World domination is such an ugly phrase. I prefer to call it world optimisation."
 - Harry Potter and the Methods of Rationality :lulz:

"You program the controller to do the thing, only it doesn't do the thing.  It does something else entirely, or nothing at all.  It's like voting."
- Billy, Aug 21st, 2019

"It's not even chaos anymore. It's BANAL."
- Doktor Hamish Howl

President Television

  • Told You I
  • Deserved It
  • ****
  • Posts: 2113
  • Chupacabra of Internet Sex Crimes
    • View Profile
Re: E.D.S. - the true adversary
« Reply #5 on: January 17, 2015, 04:42:22 pm »
This was actually pretty cool.
My shit list: Stephen Harper, anarchists that complain about taxes instead of institutionalized torture, those people walking, anyone who lets a single aspect of themselves define their entire personality, salesmen that don't smoke pipes, Fredericton New Brunswick, bigots, philosophy majors, my nemesis, pirates that don't do anything, criminals without class, sociopaths, narcissists, furries, juggalos, foes.

Mesozoic Mister Nigel

  • v=1/3πr2h
  • Deserved It
  • ****
  • Posts: 77698
  • The sky tastes like red exuberance.
    • View Profile
Re: E.D.S. - the true adversary
« Reply #6 on: January 17, 2015, 04:43:34 pm »
Unfortunately I couldn't stop thinking about Ehlers-Danlos syndrome, which one of my close friends suffers from. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ehlers%E2%80%93Danlos_syndrome

Holy crap! I'm very sorry to hear your friend suffers from that. It sounds horrible. I was unaware of the acronym or the disease.

Acronym failure.

I like the piece other than that, and I don't think you need to change the acronym as it's a rare disease hardly anyone has even heard of. I just couldn't get past it on the first read-through.  :lol:
“I’m guessing it was January 2007, a meeting in Bethesda, we got a bag of bees and just started smashing them on the desk,” Charles Wick said. “It was very complicated.”


axod

  • Don Well-Buttern' Cracker Crasher, Infernal Affairs
  • Outlandish
  • ***
  • Posts: 474
    • View Profile
Re: E.D.S. - the true adversary
« Reply #7 on: January 17, 2015, 08:15:36 pm »
Yea, this Telos thing.  I'd like to say I never heard of them.  Weren't they calling themselves "The Point" group for some time?
just this

The Wizard Joseph

  • Still chasing after the Eternal question, "What IS a Juggalo?"
  • Deserved It
  • ****
  • Posts: 4844
  • Product of Wisconsin
    • View Profile
Re: E.D.S. - the true adversary
« Reply #8 on: January 18, 2015, 03:10:27 am »
Unfortunately I couldn't stop thinking about Ehlers-Danlos syndrome, which one of my close friends suffers from. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ehlers%E2%80%93Danlos_syndrome

Holy crap! I'm very sorry to hear your friend suffers from that. It sounds horrible. I was unaware of the acronym or the disease.

Acronym failure.

I like the piece other than that, and I don't think you need to change the acronym as it's a rare disease hardly anyone has even heard of. I just couldn't get past it on the first read-through.  :lol:

I wasn't really worried but might just tweak the acronym anyway or more likely just keep adding new and urgent acronymical adversaries. Hm..

What messed with me a bit was at some point it dawned on me that looking at it in that light the idea briefly became a VERY motivated death machine rooting out mutations.

My brain did the  :horrormirth: thing and I put it back in the box I built for it.
 I'm good.
I hope.
You can't get out backward.  You have to go forward to go back.. better press on! - Willie Wonka, PBUH

Life can be seen as a game with no reset button, no extra lives, and if the power goes out there is no restarting.  If that's all you see life as you are not long for this world, and never will get it.

"Ayn Rand never swung a hammer in her life and had serious dominance issues" - The Fountainhead

"World domination is such an ugly phrase. I prefer to call it world optimisation."
 - Harry Potter and the Methods of Rationality :lulz:

"You program the controller to do the thing, only it doesn't do the thing.  It does something else entirely, or nothing at all.  It's like voting."
- Billy, Aug 21st, 2019

"It's not even chaos anymore. It's BANAL."
- Doktor Hamish Howl

The Wizard Joseph

  • Still chasing after the Eternal question, "What IS a Juggalo?"
  • Deserved It
  • ****
  • Posts: 4844
  • Product of Wisconsin
    • View Profile
Re: E.D.S. - the true adversary
« Reply #9 on: January 18, 2015, 03:15:23 am »
Yea, this Telos thing.  I'd like to say I never heard of them.  Weren't they calling themselves "The Point" group for some time?

No idea. I picked Telos as a name, in part, because it means something like purpose, or goal. The aim and literal end of the road, stopping point.

Who is this "the point" group you speak of?
Or have I been had?
You can't get out backward.  You have to go forward to go back.. better press on! - Willie Wonka, PBUH

Life can be seen as a game with no reset button, no extra lives, and if the power goes out there is no restarting.  If that's all you see life as you are not long for this world, and never will get it.

"Ayn Rand never swung a hammer in her life and had serious dominance issues" - The Fountainhead

"World domination is such an ugly phrase. I prefer to call it world optimisation."
 - Harry Potter and the Methods of Rationality :lulz:

"You program the controller to do the thing, only it doesn't do the thing.  It does something else entirely, or nothing at all.  It's like voting."
- Billy, Aug 21st, 2019

"It's not even chaos anymore. It's BANAL."
- Doktor Hamish Howl

Eater of Clowns

  • Deposed Mexico
  • Deserved It
  • ****
  • Posts: 5739
  • Limpid Lust Pariah of Foulness
    • View Profile
Re: E.D.S. - the true adversary
« Reply #10 on: January 18, 2015, 03:19:11 am »
Just keep shifting the acronym as the piece goes on. EDS becomes DEDS becomes DEDD. Existential Despair Syndrome, Acute Existential Despair Syndrome, Major Existential Despair. It's infinitely variable, and fucking with acronyms is fun.
EoC, you are the bane of my existence.

EoC doesn't make creepy.

EoC makes creepy worse.

Quote
the afflicted persons get hold of and consume carrots even in socially quite unacceptable situations.

axod

  • Don Well-Buttern' Cracker Crasher, Infernal Affairs
  • Outlandish
  • ***
  • Posts: 474
    • View Profile
Re: E.D.S. - the true adversary
« Reply #11 on: January 18, 2015, 10:50:03 pm »
Yea, this Telos thing.  I'd like to say I never heard of them.  Weren't they calling themselves "The Point" group for some time?

No idea. I picked Telos as a name, in part, because it means something like purpose, or goal. The aim and literal end of the road, stopping point.

Who is this "the point" group you speak of?
Or have I been had?
Current speculation has them pegged as the source of Hamas migration to the beaches of California.  Otherwise, shady NaZionosts aggressively developing/ruining the west coast of these united states.  Their "goal" reminds me of the premise of Inherent Vice, if only I could remember it.  This was mainly my autonomic response to reading the word "telos", something I wanted to (selfishly) share, preferably without derailing thread (this post has been beset by technical difficulties from my device - over/out)
just this

The Wizard Joseph

  • Still chasing after the Eternal question, "What IS a Juggalo?"
  • Deserved It
  • ****
  • Posts: 4844
  • Product of Wisconsin
    • View Profile
Re: E.D.S. - the true adversary
« Reply #12 on: January 19, 2015, 04:37:08 pm »
All good. A side track ain't a big deal. I'm not sure when of even if I'll expand this Telos idea anyway. Likely to use it in fiction I think.
You can't get out backward.  You have to go forward to go back.. better press on! - Willie Wonka, PBUH

Life can be seen as a game with no reset button, no extra lives, and if the power goes out there is no restarting.  If that's all you see life as you are not long for this world, and never will get it.

"Ayn Rand never swung a hammer in her life and had serious dominance issues" - The Fountainhead

"World domination is such an ugly phrase. I prefer to call it world optimisation."
 - Harry Potter and the Methods of Rationality :lulz:

"You program the controller to do the thing, only it doesn't do the thing.  It does something else entirely, or nothing at all.  It's like voting."
- Billy, Aug 21st, 2019

"It's not even chaos anymore. It's BANAL."
- Doktor Hamish Howl

axod

  • Don Well-Buttern' Cracker Crasher, Infernal Affairs
  • Outlandish
  • ***
  • Posts: 474
    • View Profile
Re: E.D.S. - the true adversary
« Reply #13 on: January 20, 2015, 10:54:13 pm »
All good. A side track ain't a big deal. I'm not sure when of even if I'll expand this Telos idea anyway. Likely to use it in fiction I think.
Cool, let us know when it hatches!
just this