Bedtime Stories of the Dark Empress, part 1

[Doktor Howl]

Nigel I, Empress of Portland and Lots of Other Places Too, sat upon her unicorn "Miss Sassypance", and surveyed her domain.  There was always SO much to do.  Just last week, she had been forced to have her Bother-Boys burn 4th Avenue down for treason (specifically "making a ruckus when the Empress has a headache").  Now she had to meet with some ambassador from the Kingdom of Warwick, one of those tiresome little countries that had popped up after the fall of the United States during the Big Whoops.

All things taken as a whole, she'd just as soon quit the Empress business and spend 20 years high, but the puny humans had already proven that they couldn't manage their own business.  The obligations of rule, yada yada yada.  Boring.

Right on time, the ambassador's palanquin came along, borne by 4 giant victims of extreme body modification.  The Empress approved.  Humans are just SILLY in factory condition, they really don't need ALL of those bits.  The ambassador stepped down from his palanquin and approached the Empress.

"I am Eater of Clowns", he said, "ambassador for the Eastern Empire and...um...Why is that thing strapped to your horse's head?"

"It isn't a horse, you miserable primate.  It is a unicorn."

"No it bloody isn't.  It's a horse with a gigantic strap on affixed to its head."

"IS.  UNICORN."  The Empress was not amused.

"No, look.  It's even got a name inscribed on it.  'The Crippler'.  That is totally a dildo strapped to a horse."

"I don't LIKE you.  Miss Sassypance, FUCK HIM UP."

Ambassador EoC tried to run, but it was of course hopeless.  The gigantic quarter horse ran him down like a dog and then sorta danced on him.  Then it used its "horn", as it had been trained to do.  The ambassador's palanquin bearers all winced.  Then turned away.  Then got really sick.

When all the screaming was over, the Empress felt a little bad about the whole thing.  This would of course mean war with King Richter, and she had JUST promised her Bother-Boys a vacation in Branson, Missouri.  Oh, well.  The needs of the state come before the pleasures of Dollywood.

Time to get back on the job.  An Empress's work is never done.

[Eater of Clowns]

"Still...not a...uni...corn..."

[Doktor Howl]

"Still...not a...uni...corn..."

[EK WAFFLR]

 

[LMNO]

 

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

OMG 

[The Wizard Joseph]

 

Note to self. Get metal pants and cyanide tooth before offering parley in Portland.

Also

[Eater of Clowns]

My rebuttal, sir.