A letter.

[Doktor Howl]

Dear Dana,

I got your "Causes" request on Facebook, in which you asked me to sign a petition for Chris Kyle to receive the medal of honor.  I have a few issues with this.

First, the medal of honor is not granted by public acclaim.  It must be submitted by an officer in the person's chain of command, then be voted on by congress.

Second, the idea of giving a medal of honor to someone because Clint Eastwood made a movie about him is like giving John Wayne a medal of honor because he starred in "The Green Berets".

Third, I do not like having my feed crammed up with rightwing jabbering, no matter how enthusiastic it is.  Had I known that this is how you would turn out, I wouldn't have kicked that dog off of you back in 1986.  I would have let it eat you.  Not because you are a born-again Christian, not because you are a far-right whackjob that has no idea how the universe works, but because you bothered me while I was trolling teabaggers.

It is because of people like you that I wish a gigantic fucking asteroid would slam into the Earth.  On the other side, so I would have 12 hours to gloat, and you would have 12 hours to pray to the Reagan Jesus and soil yourself in terror.  Of course, I will be soiling myself, too.  But in glee.  In unholy glee.

Now fuck off.  Never speak to me again.

Yours in Bubba Jebus,
Doktor Howl

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

 

That is beautiful.

If I ever break up with anyone again, will you write my breakup letter?

[Doktor Howl]

That is beautiful.

If I ever break up with anyone again, will you write my breakup letter?

I'd be delighted to.   

[Eater of Clowns]

 

This whole Chris Kylie Jenner Kardashian thing has gotten out of hand.