Author Topic: Study abroad essay  (Read 2006 times)

Mesozoic Mister Nigel

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Study abroad essay
« on: January 31, 2015, 05:56:52 am »
Any of you writing spags what writes want to look this over and give me feedback on whether any of it is terrible, doesn't make sense, or sounds like I'm just throwing words together to sound like I'm saying something when I'm really not? I feel like it might be a little too jargony.

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As an aspiring neuroscientist with environmentalist values and a strong interest in epigenetics, I am working toward a personal understanding of how I can integrate my values and diverse interests into my future research work. I believe that the principles of sustainability are not only essential for our long-term survival as a species, but is also critical in order to create human systems and environments that foster the intellectual and physical health of their inhabitants.

I also believe that it will be necessary to change the hierarchical, single-discipline structure of most biomedical research studies, and reach toward something that is far more interdisciplinary and community-oriented, in order to find the origins of some of the complex neurobiological diagnoses which have emerged or grown dramatically in the last few decades. I hope that participation in this project will give me insight into how my ideals can inform research that will help to drive our culture toward healthy, sustainable communities.

As a matter of personal enrichment, I have been fascinated with the people and cultures of Peru since I first learned that, as the birthplace of the cultivated potato, they have a potato museum with over 5000 recorded varietals. That amazes me; what a contrast with the monoculture of American agribusiness! As a person of Native American descent, the ruins left by multiple ancient cultures there speak to my curiosity about and emotional connection with indigenous civilizations in the Americas, as does the rich living culture there.

It is my hope that my participation will contribute to the goals of the program by bringing to it my energy, enthusiasm, and unique perspectives from my life experience as a nontraditional student.
« Last Edit: January 31, 2015, 06:00:58 am by Mesozoic Mister Nigel »
“I’m guessing it was January 2007, a meeting in Bethesda, we got a bag of bees and just started smashing them on the desk,” Charles Wick said. “It was very complicated.”


hirley0

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Re: Study abroad essay
« Reply #1 on: January 31, 2015, 01:40:42 pm »
« Last Edit: February 07, 2015, 11:29:41 am by hirley0 »

Demolition Squid

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Re: Study abroad essay
« Reply #2 on: January 31, 2015, 01:51:08 pm »
I read this whilst waiting to get my hair cut.

In general terms, I'd be tempted to try and be more definitive - there's a lot of 'I believe' and similar in there which might be read as uncertainty... but, on the other hand, I was criticized at university for writing too confidently (my tutor accused me of writing more like a journalist than a student, I probably shouldn't have taken that as a compliment  :lulz:) so perhaps that's not a good idea.

It all flows, though, and it all builds into a coherent narrative. I particularly like the third paragraph - rooting it in the particular reasons you want to study abroad rather than just study in general, and it ties in nicely with the sustainability point in the first paragraph. It is also a way better way of showing your personal strengths than the usual... listing of them. Always better to demonstrate passion than fall into the trap of saying 'I am passionate'.

I might lose the 'hierarchical' and just stick with 'change the singe-discipline structure' since that is a little more punchy, and the community-oriented note should (I think? Not 100% certain) communicate the same overall point that you want to challenge the structure of research.

I don't think it is overly jargony, though. I am not a scientist, and I know nothing about biomedical research, but I think I understood why you would want to take part in this particular research area and why your particular qualities would make you a good candidate for it.

Hope this was helpful!
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Mesozoic Mister Nigel

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Re: Study abroad essay
« Reply #3 on: January 31, 2015, 05:31:18 pm »
It was helpful! Thanks Demo Squid!
“I’m guessing it was January 2007, a meeting in Bethesda, we got a bag of bees and just started smashing them on the desk,” Charles Wick said. “It was very complicated.”