Dispatch from Asshat #1 - Christmas Lights

[Lord Trout]

"Who the FUCK steals individual Christmas lights?!?," I exclaimed, as my lovely wife stood beside me, looking befuddled. "It isn't like they were doing anything to anyone!... except for being festive and shit!"

I was standing on my front lawn, examining a strip of large-bulb holiday lights attached to my porch. This particular string of lights had until recently been fully manned by colorful bulbs, but now was missing seven of them. Why? Who fucking knows. The point is I was pissed.

No, not pissed. Violently Pissed. Punch-some-stupid-motherfucker-right-in-the-face-for-screwing-with-my-lights Pissed. My wife took the dog inside, shaking her head.

Now as I've stated here previously, I'm prefer to blend into the crowd, to not let myself get noticed for being a Freak by the Norms that surround me. To that end, I decorated our new house with Christmas lights, just like most everyone else on our block... even though I'm a freaking Wiccan, for Gods' sakes!

Was anyone else's house targeted for this bulb-theft? Nope... Just mine, Baby! That of course only served to fuel my rage.

So, as I said, I was fairly upset about this at the time. Hell, it was just a day or so after Christmas, and here I am having to take down this strand of lights, to avoid shorting out the whole system of lights when it rained next. That was something that I simply could not allow!

I grumbled and groaned as I took that strand down, promising myself that this would be the last time I decorated our house for any holiday, not just for Christmas.

"Fuck these ungrateful bastards!," I uttered to myself. "They can go 'Trick-or-Treat' somewhere fucking else next year!"

A few hours later, as I sat watching yet another rerun of "Law & Order" (RIP Jerry Orbach), it hit me: I had been Jaked. Probably inadvertantly, but Jaked just the same.

This simple kids' prank became a Jake upon my reaction to discovering the loss of bulbs. It rose to the level of a Fucking Great Jake when I lost my cool over seven stupid pieces of colored fucking glass, meant to celebrate a holiday that isn't even mine!

Methinks I spend too much time with Norms, and not enough screwing with their minds. Perhaps I should strap a huge dildo to an inflatable Santa, then display it prominently on my lawn next Belthane?

Why the fuck not. My house is fully insured, anyway.

[~~~~Closed~~~~]

my christmas tree was stolen once.

[fluffy]

he he he he he
i only needed six
the seventh one was insurance
now each room has its own nightlight
thanks shecky

[Eldora, Oracle of Alchemy]

Are you sure your wife didn't do it?  

[agent compassion]

To that end, I decorated our new house with Christmas lights, just like most everyone else on our block... even though I'm a freaking Wiccan, for Gods' sakes!

Dude. You do know that lighting shit up in wintertime is a totally pagan thing to do, right? Just 'cause some asshat electrified it and slapped the word "Christmas" on it doesn't make it Christian.

[Wishfarple]

::sticks a nine-volt battery in agent compassion's ear and slaps a "Christmas" sticker on her forehead::

[Lord Trout]

To that end, I decorated our new house with Christmas lights, just like most everyone else on our block... even though I'm a freaking Wiccan, for Gods' sakes!

Dude. You do know that lighting shit up in wintertime is a totally pagan thing to do, right? Just 'cause some asshat electrified it and slapped the word "Christmas" on it doesn't make it Christian.

Yeah, I know. Presents are Pagan, too... Those are the only things that keep me from feeling like I'm regressing into the Catholic-Hell of my childhood, this time of year.

The point was that most people think it's "Christmas-y" to do the lights, thus my angst. As if I ever need a reason to dwell in my angst...

[Lord Trout]

Are you sure your wife didn't do it?  

There's a thought. She's just evil enough to do it, too.

[Eldora, Oracle of Alchemy]

To that end, I decorated our new house with Christmas lights, just like most everyone else on our block... even though I'm a freaking Wiccan, for Gods' sakes!

Dude. You do know that lighting shit up in wintertime is a totally pagan thing to do, right? Just 'cause some asshat electrified it and slapped the word "Christmas" on it doesn't make it Christian.

Like the pope, no really, the guy at the vatican, finagling the fir tree into a Christian symbol this year, that was hilarious.  He was actually trying to get people to beleive it like it was ever thus.

O Tannenbaum
O Tannenbaum
Wie grun sie deine blatte

Excuse the spelling, I don't know how to do umlauts.  :P

[agent compassion]

The point was that most people think it's "Christmas-y" to do the lights, thus my angst. As if I ever need a reason to dwell in my angst...

Oh. Well, next year you could always string the lights up in a paganish pattern. Pentagram, crescent moon, "Don't touch my fucking lights you little shitheads" etc.

::sticks a nine-volt battery in agent compassion's ear and slaps a "Christmas" sticker on her forehead::

Ow! Wrong hole!

:sticks a lightbulb in her mouth and makes it glow:

[EraPassing]

I don't get messed with when it comes to my decorations...  Fear me, for I am the wicked wiccan of the neighborhood and I will take a crowbar to your ass!

[Horab Fibslager]

when i own myt own house iw ill decorate my house with handgrenades and mortar shells, just so everyone knows what they're getting when they buy christmass presents each year.


you must have a very miserable life mr shecky if you get so bent out of shape over 7 individual christmas lights.

[Mangrove]

Shecky - reclaim Dec 25 for it's rightful owner...Mithras!!

I want to see Mithras decorations! Mithras cards! I want to hear little kids say "I got this wtich book for a Mithras present!"

 
  Mithras vs Jesus??  No contest. Mithras slayed a bull and drank it's blood. Jesus? Born in a stable. Rubbish. (boo hisss)

  Mithras - born from a rock!!

 Show those Christers that we're taking the 25th back!!!

  Sorry...i'm not in a great mood.

  <gives shecky 7 lightbulbs>

[Horab Fibslager]

that reminds me, my jw associate agrees christmass is a pagan holiday.

i disagree, claiming it for our lady as a discordian holyday, in which we placate the mad god greeedy children with gifts bought from our consumerist overseers.

[agent compassion]

Shecky - reclaim Dec 25 for it's rightful owner...Mithras!!

Yeah! Celebrate Yalda instead!