Dirtbags, part 3

[Doktor Howl]

Unplugged Wine Bar

The moment we walked in, I could tell Katie had made a mistake.  In her absence, the place had gone from angry pool-playing Hispanics to a joint full of identical people.  I mean identical.  All the men had Captain Haddock beards, all dyed the same color of black, over their identical checked flannel shirts.  All the women had that deliberately frumpy hairdo, thick-framed glasses, and sweaters that were totally inappropriate for the weather.  I felt as if we'd walked into a Tintin story co-starring Velma from Scooby Doo.

Katie looked at me, with an almost apologetic look on her face.

"We're good," I said, "Let's study them."  The gleam in her eye told me I had just made a mistake. 

She grabbed the last table in the place, and I went to the bar.

"Give me a bourbon neat and a vodka gears."

The bartender looked at me like I was speaking Russian.  "Sir, this is a wine bar.  We have wine and we have coffee."

"Do you have PBR?"  I didn't want PBR, I just wanted to see what would happen.

He sneered.  "PBR is SO first term."

"First term?"

Another sneer.  "As in, Obama's first term.  A million years ago."

I smiled, and pointed behind the bar.  "There are well drinks down there.  I can see them."

"Wine and coffee only, sir."  At this point, I could open a beer bottle with his sneer.  I didn't feel that Katie should do all the heavy lifting tonight.  I leaned in close.

"Listen, Trevor or Blake or whatever the name is this week, I am here with the world's meanest lesbian, and we are going to have our drinks.  In addition, I advise you to adjust your face, because it's hard to sneer with no fucking teeth.  Now, you can choose to throw me out of here, and we'll go, but you'll see us at closing time.  Or you can shut your pie hole and do your damn job and serve us some fucking drinks."

The sneer was gone, but he hated me.  I could sense it.

"You're a fucking fascist," he said.

"You don't know the half of it, son.  I am Mussolini's great grand-nephew and there is NOTHING I like more than stomping on writers and artists and other sensitive types.  But she," I jerked a thumb over my shoulder, "says I have to try being NICE first, instead of going straight to the horrible beating.  This offends my sense of order, but what can I do?  Now, you may feel like we do not fit in at this bar.  You are more right than you know.  But we will sit here and tell stories to each other while we drink PROPER DRINKS, even if we stand out like the inappropriate arse of a dead walrus while we do so."

I suddenly realized my voice wasn't as low as I thought it was.  The whole place was silent.  I looked around.

"Sorry folks, this is what happens when a bar changes hands while you're out of town."  Surprisingly enough, there was general laughter.  I turned back to the bartender, who was sullenly lining up the drinks.

"Ten bucks", he said. 

I dropped a twenty.  "Keep it, and let's just forget our little misunderstanding."

I walked to the table with the drinks.  On the table in front of Katie was a napkin with a number written in it on eyebrow pencil.  I raised my eyebrows.

"Well," she said, "since you were busy sweet talking the bartender, I got the number of the little Korean girl over there.

I laughed, sat down, and resumed my story.

to be continued

[Doktor Howl]

I feel that my time in the Science Gestapo has eroded my formerly genial manners.

[LMNO]

Gracious, no.  You gave him a chance.

[Doktor Howl]

Gracious, no.  You gave him a chance.

This is fucking TUCSON.  When did we get PRETENTIOUS?

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

Damn, she moves fast. 

[Doktor Howl]

Damn, she moves fast. 

Yes, yes she does.  Didn't help her, as you will see.

But I am getting grumpy in my old age.  We went out in Portland.  Could you imagine me acting this way?  I used to be all nice and shit.

[Doktor Howl]

More today, I wasn't done but I have a meeting thing.

[Eater of Clowns]

If you burn the place down you'll be doing the world a favor.

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

Damn, she moves fast. 

Yes, yes she does.  Didn't help her, as you will see.

But I am getting grumpy in my old age.  We went out in Portland.  Could you imagine me acting this way?  I used to be all nice and shit.

Well, you can't act this way in Portland. It would hurt people's feelings.

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

And then they would look at you, eyes all sad, and they would say "Man... that really hurt my feelings" and you would feel terrible.

[Doktor Howl]

And then they would look at you, eyes all sad, and they would say "Man... that really hurt my feelings" and you would feel terrible.

Actually, my left eye would bug halfway out of my head, and my mouth would make noises.  Terrible noises.

[Cain]

And then they would look at you, eyes all sad, and they would say "Man... that really hurt my feelings" and you would feel terrible.

What happens if you say "that was the point".  Do their heads explode?

[hooplala]

All the women had that deliberately frumpy hairdo

Lena Dunham

[EK WAFFLR]

Yes!

[Richter]

 
Surly waiters deserve whatever they get.  Like a tray of food spilled down their shorts and assurances that the establishment will cover it.

..and why in HELL is everything a BAR now?  Wine bars, steak bars, oyster bars - If I wanted everything shoveled at my face from a two dimesional frontage I'd go a wholesaler fer fucksake