The Boringest Man on Earth

[Q. G. Pennyworth]

...is so vanilla that actual vanilla looks daring and exotic next to him.
...owns twenty suits. They are all the same suit.
...enjoys a single scoop of unflavored icemilk with his daily multivitamin.
...has two children; has had sex exactly two times.
...plays pot limit Omaha with low-fat pretzels.
...willingly consumes tonic without gin.
...starts each morning with a bowl of plain grits.

[The Wizard Joseph]

... has a National Geographic subscription that he never reads, especially not for nudes.

... has been to exactly one rock concert to pick up a friend who was lost.

... spends every single Sunday afternoon vacuuming the carpet at his church to get it ready for the "evening rush".

... tried mushrooms once, on pizza and said they were "too flavorful" for him.

[hooplala]

...uses the Y-front on his tightie whites.
...is really happy Full House is back.
...considers white toast ethnic.
...still tells people Forrest Gump is his favorite movie; hasn't actually seen it. He can't stay awake through movies.
...once ran a red light by mistake while learning to drive; this action haunts him still.
...his favorite thing to read is the Snellen eye chart.
...isn't quite so sure what this whole "Anna Kendrick thing" is about.
...loves looking for exotic decorative spoons at the flea market; has no intention of visiting these places.  Diarrhea.
...is still broken up that Tiny Tim died on stage.

[Q. G. Pennyworth]

... owns several CDs of classical music. Every one is Bach.
... has a membership with the local car wash, and asks his mechanic to replace the windshield wiper blades.
... adds flax seeds to chopped iceberg and calls it a salad.
... refused to attend a friend's bachelor party because he heard a rumor that there might be girls there.
... drinks exactly half a flute of champagne at 10pm on new year's eve, because he needs to get his rest.

[Max Blyss]

... Only wears pleated - front Dockers with the godawful tapered legs.
... Constantly hums television show themes.  Never whistles.
... Has exactly two friends, one of which is a 'real loose cannon' because he doesn't attend church.
... Actually believed his kid's weed was oregano.
... Owns every Sheryl Crow album.

[The Wizard Joseph]

... got a job as a grocery cashier when he was 16, still working there after several pay cuts and changes of ownership.
... digests gluten just fine but avoids it anyway just in case.
... found a Playboy on the street as a kid and dutifully put it in a paper bag and gave it to his pastor to burn without opening it.
... has worn the exact same drab, brown sweater every single "Casual Friday" since 1987.

[P3nT4gR4m]

... drives a sensible, economical, family saloon, even though his chances of ever reproducing are nil
... religiously calculates MPG, based on milometer and pump data
... did this before MPG was even a thing
... files his junk mail coupons in dewey decimal

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

... is very, very happy.

[Salty]

...wears crocs with socks every single day of the year, except on fancy occasions.
...always orders biscuits and gravy at any place that serves them.
...tries to always eat up the leftovers.
...prepares and drinks tea ever morning, the exact same way.
...doesn't like being out past 8pm.
...wears black or grey t-shirts and draw-string pants every day.
...plays a uke.

[Salty]

...the kind you bring home to mother.

[Sung Low]

...has a perfectly maintained lawn, but no flowers or ornaments
...religiously circles programmes in the new TV guide despite it being the same programmes at the same time every week
...irons his socks
...has dreams where he's ironing his socks

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

...drives a sensible older car because he thinks buying a new one is a waste of money
...pays double the minimum payment on his credit cards
...calls his mom and dad every week just to check in
...doesn't pay attention to fashion because he doesn't understand it
...greets everyone with a smile because you never know who needs one

[LMNO]

...drives a sensible older car because he thinks buying a new one is a waste of money
...pays double the minimum payment on his credit cards
...calls his mom and dad every week just to check in
...doesn't pay attention to fashion because he doesn't understand it
...greets everyone with a smile because you never know who needs one

[Cainad (dec.)]

...Farted once and never forgave himself.

[Q. G. Pennyworth]

...folds his underwear neatly.
...owns a large collection of "wacky" ties, only wears them on April 1st.
...doesn't drink caffeine after 2 pm.
...wears a lobster bib.
...buys antacids in bulk.
...kissed a girl once. It was his wife.