The Boringest Man on Earth

[LMNO]

...his favorite drink is a virgin White Russian.
...misses the Lawrence Welk show
...makes a big deal over the difference between "less" and "fewer"
...has every Miss Manners column glued in to a scrap book
...really wishes Steve Forbes would run for president again
...believes Beyoncé runs the Illuminati
...had never dropped a coin in a fountain, because he considers it gambling
...refuses to lunch with people who don't wear wingtips
...believes Andy Warhol is a fictional character people just keep putting in movies
...thinks daisies are underrated

This guy seems really interesting. Just saying.

[rong]

...doesn't always drink beer, but when he does, he prefers a moderate amount

[POFP]

... Doesn't read the Sunday newspaper because he considers it to be "Too exciting and sensationalist."
... Predicted trick candles on his birthday cake once, and pulled them out to put them in water instead of attempting to blowing them out.
... Writes letters to the State every month to request that the highway speed limit be reduced.
... Regrettably bought a cheeseburger from McDonald's once, and folded the wrapper neatly... after letting the crumbs slide off into the garbage can.
... Trips every card value/face in Rummy that he can to avoid runs/straights being played.
... Releases stress and feels empowered every time he goes to the restroom, because that's when he gets to whisper, aggressively, all the curse words he wants.
... Cursed in front of his mother once when he was 13... and he still insists at the age of 50 that he should send her 30 dollars every week to make amends.
... Still uses Windows XP... But only to play the original Pinball Space Cadet.

[Q. G. Pennyworth]

I feel like I must have missed the setup to this joke, because I really don't get it. Why are we making fun of people?

Garland got nominated to the Supreme Court and we were joking at the office about what a bland, unobjectionable person he is, and it kinda got out of hand. Figured hyperbolic boringness might be entertaining for the spags here.

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

I feel like I must have missed the setup to this joke, because I really don't get it. Why are we making fun of people?

Garland got nominated to the Supreme Court and we were joking at the office about what a bland, unobjectionable person he is, and it kinda got out of hand. Figured hyperbolic boringness might be entertaining for the spags here.

Ah, I see.