I go home exhausted every day.
My brain checks out sometime around 9pm and it's just gooooooone.
I have an acute case of resting existential dread face.
It's 2017 and I am doing the work.
My state rep connected to me on facebook to personally explain why he can't be at the nazi punching, and it's a perfectly good reason and I'm glad he told me, and I'm glad that he noticed I kept blowing up his social media and calling his office.
It's work.
I chewed out some poor woman who was only doing her job, because "if it's not on her schedule the Representative won't be able to go" is not an appropriate response to NAZIS AT OUR DOORSTEP and it is not particularly brave or politically dangerous to publically appear in opposition to alt-right fuckwits in the bluest blue state, and how many more times do I need to call before standing up to nazis becomes a priority for the woman elected to represent me and my brown neighbors.
And I told her I was sorry for unloading on her and she's not at fault, and it's scary because I have kids and I don't want them growing up in a world like this, and it's frustrating making these calls all day, and it's hard when it feels like nobody's listening and I keep getting the run around.
It's work.
My state senator is on vacation and one of my US senators is in Korea on business. My governor said he would make it "if he could" and it's on fucking camera because I got myself into the press conference with two hours notice and asked him in front of the whole world, and I was so scared and spent that I did not hear his answer as he said it and I had to watch the replays over again hearing my own strange voice piping up from off screen, and I grabbed the hand of the friend who was next to me, who will probably misinterpret it as a romantic gesture but I was just flailing and needed to hold something for a second, I need to hold something for a second.
But I spoke up anyway, and I nailed the governor and the mayor both.
It's work.
I ruined Thanksgiving. No, I didn't ruin Thanksgiving, my dumbshit cousin did because he posted in my ex's feed and equated nazis to their opposition, and called Black Lives Matter a terrorist organization, and blamed the people put in the hospital and the woman killed by a fucking white supremacist for their own injuries, and it's NOT OKAY and it HASN'T BEEN OKAY and it's NOT RIGHT TO BE PATIENT ANYMORE.
My friend is losing her mother, who was never that good of a person and in fact was always racist, was always okay dropping n-bombs, was always a "war of northern aggression," "heritage not hate" dishrag. And that divide has been growing for years, but there's a difference between "I might have to cut ties eventually" and "this is finally it." So we held her and we told her it's okay to cry about it and it's okay to cut them out and we will be your Thanksgiving, and you have nothing to be sorry for.
It's work.
I spent half my day today explaining to straight white men how to be better allies. And it meant eating my own feelings for a minute and slowing down and not judging too hard. It meant pushing myself right to the point where I knew I was about to burst, and it meant getting to that cliff face and telling someone "if you keep going this will get ugly, please stop" and having him ignore me and plow on anyway, and even as I am getting heated insisting that "this isn't an argument" and not hearing me when I said I did not want to keep going. And another man had to come and tell him to take a break, and I had to play nice when he came back, and pretend that his "I was only..." explanations were enough. And I could have told him to fuck off, I would have been justified in telling him to fuck off, but he has already moved really far and there is good reason to believe he can be fully bipedal someday, and it won't happen if I blow up too hard, and I have an obligation to try and help people get there if I have the spoons to do so and they are willing to do their part.
It's work.
Are you doing the fucking work?