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General Trump hilarity free-for-all thread

Started by Mesozoic Mister Nigel, November 22, 2016, 04:26:22 PM

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Trivial

Stolen summary from Fark:

Day 1:
Reads 16-minute inauguration speech he falsely claims to have written himself.
In that speech, inadvertently quotes movie villain Bane from Batman.
Announces the Alt-Right's theme of America First as policy and philosophy.
Cites American 'carnage', without going into detail as to what that might entail.
Falsely claims it stopped raining when he began to speak.
Passes over long-time inauguration parade announcer Charlie Brotman, replacing him with no one.
Six journalists are arrested while covering the inauguration and charged with felony rioting.
Trump signs emergency order increasing mortgage costs for first time home buyers.

Day 2:
Climate change data on White House website scrubbed.
Trump calls National Park Service Director Michael T. Reynolds and orders him to produce photos showing a more crowded inauguration.
He lies to the press about the size of the crowds at his inauguration, then complains when the press calls him on that lie.
Gives speech at CIA headquarters. Brings along a claque of staffers unrelated to the CIA to cheer and clap at his words.
Later claims he received the "greatest standing ovation since Peyton Manning won the Super Bowl."
Protocol calls for government employees to remain standing until the president asks them to sit
Outgoing CIA director, John Brennan, calls the CIA speech "a despicable display of self-aggrandizement."
Claims to hold the all-time record of Time magazine covers at "14 or 15." He has been on 11 covers.
Richard Nixon holds the actual record with 55 Time covers. Hillary Clinton has 22 covers.

Day 3:
Spokesperson Conway announces Trump won't be releasing his tax returns regardless of the state of his IRS Audit.
She claims that the people don't care about Trump's taxes.
Conway also introduces the concept of lies as "alternative facts."

Day 4:
Spanish language option on White House website scrubbed.
Conway reverses herself and says that Trump will release his taxes once his IRS audit is complete.
After lying about inauguration crowd sizes on Day 1, Press Secretary Spicer says "...our intention is never to lie to you."
Spicer claims hiring freeze will halt "dramatic increase" in government employment.
Number of federal employees at the beginning of Obama's terms, 2.77 million; towards the end, 2.66 million.
Spicer declines to give the current unemployment rate when asked by a reporter.
Trump bans aid to international health organizations, including the World Heath Organization, if they mention abortion.
Claims he will cut all regulations on businesses by 75%, that the remaining 25% will be just as strong about protecting the people as before the cut.
Claims to have "received many awards on the environment."
The only award that can be verified is a Trump golf course that received one in 2007.
In 2011 the New Jersey Department of Environmental Protection cited the same golf course for several environmental violations.
At a meeting with lawmakers, Trump repeats the false claim that between 3 and 5 million illegal voters made him lose the popular vote.
The initial evidence he cites is the anecdote of a 59-year-old golf pro and German citizen, Bernhard Langer, who Trump claims saw a lot of Latin faces in a polling line in Florida.
Reporters reached the golf pro's daughter on Langer's cell phone. She said "He is not a friend of President Trump's, and I don't know why he would talk about him."
An attempt to sue Trump under the Constitution's Emoluments Clause begins.

Day 5:
Retroactively declares his inauguration day, January 20, 2017, the National Day of Patriotic Devotion.
Revives the Keystone XL and Dakota Access crude oil pipelines.
The Badlands National Park Twitter account goes rogue and begins to tweet global warming stats and other scientific facts. It is shut down.
A few other National Park accounts begin to follow suit out of solidarity.
White house imposes a freeze on grants and contracts from the U.S. Environmental Protection Agency, prohibits employees from speaking to the press or on social media.
Slaps a similar gag order on US Department of Agriculture scientists.
Press Secretary Spicer says Trump's 306 electoral votes were the most won by a GOP president since Reagan.
But after Reagan, George HW Bush won with 426 electoral votes.
Spicer calls prospective Attorney General Sessions record on voting and civil rights "exemplary." Says Sessions "has fought very hard for voting rights, civil rights and on areas of minority rights."
Sessions was considered to be too racist for a federal judgeship in the 1980's. As a US Attorney, Sessions prosecuted 3 black activists for hand delivering, rather than mailing a small number of absentee ballots.
Sessions also called a fellow US Attorney "Boy."
Spicer repeats Trump's lie regarding 3-5 million illegal votes during the election, citing non-existent "studies and evidence."
A member of the House and a Senator introduce a bill that would prevent the president from launching a nuclear first strike without a congressional declaration of war.
A short time after a Bill O'Reilly episode touching on Chicago gun violence airs on Fox, Trump threatens to send federal troops into Chicago.
Chicago's murder rate in 2016 failed to put it in the top 10 US cities.

Day 6:
Expands media and social media gag orders to include US Departments of Commerce, the Interior, Transportation and Health and Human services.
Trump issues Draft Order designed to reopen CIA.-run "black site" prisons.
These secret overseas prisons detained and tortured terrorism suspects for years, before being shut down by President Obama.
Trump claims that intelligence officials have told him that torture "absolutely" works.
George Orwell's classic book 1984 hits #6 on Amazon's bestseller list.
Trump tweets that he will be asking for a "major investigation into VOTER FRAUD."
When confronted on ABC with the fact that the Pew reporter he was citing regarding voter fraud said there was in fact no voter fraud, Trump claimed the Pew reporter was "groveling."
Claims that two people were shot in Chicago during Obama's farewell speech. Police reported no shootings in Chicago on that day.
In the same interview, says "We ended up winning by a massive amount, 306." In terms of electoral votes, Trump's win ranks 46th out of 58 elections.
Says "They say I had the biggest crowd in the history of inaugural speeches." Estimates for crowds at Trump's speech are 80% below those of Barack Obama's in 2009.
Says "We have spent as of one month ago 6 trillion dollars in the Middle East." From 2001 to 2014 the wars in Iraq and in Afghanistan--the latter country is in South Asia--cost an estimated $1.6 trillion.
Says "You had millions of people that now aren't insured anymore." Some 20 million people have gained health care coverage because of the Affordable Care Act.
He signs directive to build border wall with Mexico, reiterates that Mexico will pay for it.
The deepest channel of the Rio Grande river serves as the US-Mexico border for 1255 miles, longer than the distance from New York City to Orlando, FL.
The river is known to change its course rather frequently.
Signs another directive increasing detention centers and Border Patrol staff.
Signs another directive that threatens to cut off federal funds to cities that don't actively and vigorously pursue illegal aliens.
Another order cuts U.S. funding to the International Criminal Court by 40 percent. The U.S. currently gives zero funding to the International Criminal Court.
Trump's Mar-a-Lago country club doubles membership fees.
His hotel business reveals plans for a major US expansion.

Day 7
14 minutes after Fox News calls Chelsea Manning an ungrateful traitor who called Obama a weak leader, Trump tweets that Chelsea Manning is an ungrateful traitor who called Obama a weak leader.
Entire US State Department senior management team resigns. All were career foreign service officers who served under both Republican and Democratic administrations.
Infowars, who reported that the murdered Sandy Hook 1st graders were paid actors hired by the anti-gun lobby, and that the Air Force is purposefully creating deadly tornadoes in the Midwest, is granted White House Press credentials.
Trump tweets that Mexico should cancel the upcoming summit with the US if they don't want to pay for the wall.
Enrique Pena Nieto, president of Mexico, our close ally, cancels his planned trip to Washington.
Trump proposes a 20% tax on goods coming from Mexico. Sellers will increase their prices by 20%, which will be paid for by the US consumer.
In Philadelphia Trump says that "the murder rate has been steadily -- I mean, just terribly increasing."
Data provided by the Philadelphia Police Department shows a record downturn in violent crimes, with fewer occurring in 2016 than in every other year since 1979.
Trump orders his new administration to publish a weekly list of crimes committed by immigrants.
The idea is not new. The German newspaper Der Stürmer had a feature known as the "Letter Box", which encouraged the reporting of Jewish illegal acts in the 1930's and 40's.
"The media should be embarrassed and humiliated and keep its mouth shut and just listen for awhile," -Steve Bannon, Donald Trump's closest adviser.
In an interview with Sean Hannity, Trump says that he doesn't consider waterboarding to be torture.
In April of 2009, Hannity agreed to be waterboarded for charity, but has yet to follow through on the offer.
Trump draft proposal will ban immigration and to the US from Muslim majority countries Syria, Iraq, Iran, Libya, Sudan, Yemen and Somalia.
Muslim majority countries Turkey, Egypt, Saudi Arabia, Azerbaijan and the U.A.E. will not be on the banned list. These five countries are where Trump has business interests.

Day 8
Trump signs ban on Muslims from the 7 countries from traveling into the US.
Announces that persecuted Christians will be given priority over Muslim refugees.
A screenshot is revived of Mike Pence's deleted December 2015 tweet stating "Calls to ban Muslims from entering the U.S. are offensive and unconstitutional."
Dick Cheney says Muslim ban "goes against everything we stand for and believe in."
By a margin of 42% to 39%, Trump voters believe that it would be okay for him to use his private email server for official business.
George Orwell's 1984 hits #1 on Amazon's bestseller list.
Trump tweets that he has another source for his oft-debunked claim of millions of illegal votes - Gregg Phillips, who has made claims that the Department of Homeland Security hacked the 2016 US election at Obama's request, and that Israel was the culprit for the DNC hacks.
Three paragraph White House statement on Holocaust Remembrance Day makes no mention of the 6 million Jews killed in the Holocaust.
White Supremacist publication the Daily Stormer praises Trump on this statement for daring to reject "Jewish science fiction" about the Holocaust.

Day 9
Donald Trump calls Vladimir Putin from the White House.
Steve Bannon, former publisher of radical right wing website Breitbart, is granted a regular seat at National Security Council meetings.
Sample Breitbart headlines include Data: Young Muslims in the West Are a Ticking Time Bomb, and Birth Control Makes Women Unattractive and Crazy.
In 2013, Bannon told a writer for the Daily Beast, "I'm a Leninist. Lenin wanted to destroy the state, and that's my goal, too. I want to bring everything crashing down."
The Director of National Intelligence and the Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff will no longer have regular seats on the NSC.
Some legal permanent US residents are being stopped from reentering as they return from visits or studies abroad.
The Muslim ban will also keep Oscar-nominated director Asghar Farhadi from attending the Oscars.
Referencing an article on how the ban will include green card residents, former KKK Grand Wizard and current racist icon David Duke tweets, "Greatest. Year. Ever."
Protesters flood JFK International Terminal in New York, demanding that detainees there be allowed to go free.
More protesters assemble at airports in Denver, Chicago, Dallas, San Francisco, Seattle, LA, and Washington DC.
Dozens of lawyers show up at various airports to work pro bono to free detainees there.
New York judge issues a temporary injunction halting deportations nationwide from Trump's ban.
Similar rulings follow in Virginia, Massachusetts and Washington State.

Day 10
The US Department of Homeland Security says it will comply with judicial orders not to deport detained travelers affected by Trump's ban.
The DHS reverses itself and announces it will defy the court orders, potentially provoking a constitutional crisis.
According to White House sources, Top Trump policy director Stephen Miller tells government employees that the public is behind Trump's ban, and to ignore the hysterical voices on TV.
While at Duke, Stephen Miller worked closely with White Nationalist Richard Spencer--the man who was recently punched in the face on air while explaining the Alt-Right, provoking debate amongst the Left as to whether or not it's okay to punch a Nazi.
As chaos and protests continue at airports in the US and around the world, Trump tells reporters "It's not a Muslim ban. We were totally prepared. It's working out very nicely. You see it at the airports, you see it all over. It's working out very nicely."
Trump issues a statement saying, "To be clear, this is not a Muslim ban, as the media is falsely reporting,"
Earlier in the day, Rudy Giuliani, adviser to Trump, told a reporter, "I'll tell you the whole history of it. When he first announced it, he said 'Muslim ban.' He called me up, he said 'put a commission together, show me the right way to do it, legally.' "
A petition calling for Trump to be prevented from making a state visit to the United Kingdom picks up over 600,000 signatures, Once a petition passes the 500,000 threshold, the matter must then be debated in the UK Parliament.
Sexy Octopus of the Next Noosphere Horde

There are more nipples in the world than people.

Prelate Diogenes Shandor

Quote from: MMIX on January 29, 2017, 09:10:00 PM
Just a quick aside :
So after Theresa May's ghastly and embarrassing handholding party with the Cheat'oh a wave of British decorum has risen. She invited the clown prince back to her place for tea and crumpets. We can't ban his from the UK 'cos he is, after all, an elected head of a country whose ass we need to kiss but we are at least trying to spare Her Majesty's finer feelings.
The petition launched this morning to ban The Donald from coming to the UK and bothering the Queen has passed 642,000 665,181 677,072 679,388 692,146 signatures. [It went up while I was writing]. It only takes 100,000 for the petition to be considered for debate in the House.
QuotePetition
Prevent Donald Trump from making a State Visit to the United Kingdom.
Donald Trump should be allowed to enter the UK in his capacity as head of the US Government, but he should not be invited to make an official State Visit because it would cause embarrassment to Her Majesty the Queen.

Now we need a petition to get England to impose sanctions. We need the EU to impose sanctions too, hit his business interests and hit the industries that supported him.

He wants to bring back the factories. I want the phrase "made in america" to completely disappear from the face of the earth, to be found no more at all.
Praise NHGH! For the tribulation of all sentient beings.


a plague on both your houses -Mercutio


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zrTGgpWmdZQ
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rVWd7nPjJH8


It is an unfortunate fact that every man who seeks to disseminate knowledge must contend not only against ignorance itself, but against false instruction as well. No sooner do we deem ourselves free from a particularly gross superstition, than we are confronted by some enemy to learning who would plunge us back into the darkness -H.P.Lovecraft


He who fights with monsters must take care lest he thereby become a monster -Nietzsche


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SHhrZgojY1Q


You are a fluke of the universe, and whether you can hear it of not the universe is laughing behind your back -Deteriorata


Don't use the email address in my profile, I lost the password years ago

Cain

Trump continues to dignify the offices of state by declaring a SUPREME COURT DEATHMATCH

https://www.theatlantic.com/politics/archive/2017/01/trump-scotus-drama/515169/


Then he went and picked Neil Gorsuch

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-us-canada-38813137

Meanwhile, Tillerson basically paid to be made Sec State, according to some explosive claims circulating.  They've not been written up, so no links yet, but Exxon allegedly funneled a significant amount of money to Trump shortly before Tillerson was picked for the role.  Exxon, of course, are losing billions from sanctions on Russia, so...

00.dusk

I find the idea of Trump using Reality TV tropes for political ends to be more distressing than quite a few of the things he's done. That's a way to get people politically invested in you -- make yourself into a "character", add a dramatic soundtrack to government procedure, encourage dramatic emotional responses from the other "characters" in the production. That's terrifying. It makes him seem less real and endears him to people who aren't politically inclined. It will undoubtedly do precisely what it's supposed to do, too; reality TV has a lot of studying and focus group testing done to ensure ideal responses from the audience.

It's funny, at a distance. But it has a lot of potential for abuse, and Trump is precisely who would abuse it.

Don Coyote

Quote from: Mesozoic Mister Nigel on January 29, 2017, 09:04:49 PM
Quote from: Cain on January 29, 2017, 09:01:27 PM
Political science shows us that US presidents mostly keep their campaign promises, to something like 75% of the time.

So this was entirely predictable, as I was saying back when people were still giving the "he's just saying that to get elected/but he's a straight talker unlike $hillary" a try.

I never could figure out how the fuck they reconciled "Just lying to get into office" with "But he's not a lying liar like Hillary".

Ovaries

LMNO


Prelate Diogenes Shandor

We need to revive any and all anti-Russia slogans from the Cold War era that don't mention communism (if there are any)
Praise NHGH! For the tribulation of all sentient beings.


a plague on both your houses -Mercutio


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zrTGgpWmdZQ
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rVWd7nPjJH8


It is an unfortunate fact that every man who seeks to disseminate knowledge must contend not only against ignorance itself, but against false instruction as well. No sooner do we deem ourselves free from a particularly gross superstition, than we are confronted by some enemy to learning who would plunge us back into the darkness -H.P.Lovecraft


He who fights with monsters must take care lest he thereby become a monster -Nietzsche


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SHhrZgojY1Q


You are a fluke of the universe, and whether you can hear it of not the universe is laughing behind your back -Deteriorata


Don't use the email address in my profile, I lost the password years ago

Mesozoic Mister Nigel

Quote from: Cain on February 01, 2017, 03:50:59 AM
Trump continues to dignify the offices of state by declaring a SUPREME COURT DEATHMATCH

https://www.theatlantic.com/politics/archive/2017/01/trump-scotus-drama/515169/


Then he went and picked Neil Gorsuch

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-us-canada-38813137

Meanwhile, Tillerson basically paid to be made Sec State, according to some explosive claims circulating.  They've not been written up, so no links yet, but Exxon allegedly funneled a significant amount of money to Trump shortly before Tillerson was picked for the role.  Exxon, of course, are losing billions from sanctions on Russia, so...

Gorsuch is hands-down his least vile nominee so far.

Not great -- I mean, the guy is rabidly against death with dignity, as well as having all the generally nasty baggage you can expect from a typical conservative, but he's not the absolute monstrosity  Trump's other picks have been.
"I'm guessing it was January 2007, a meeting in Bethesda, we got a bag of bees and just started smashing them on the desk," Charles Wick said. "It was very complicated."


Mesozoic Mister Nigel

Quote from: Don Coyote on February 01, 2017, 04:18:51 AM
Quote from: Mesozoic Mister Nigel on January 29, 2017, 09:04:49 PM
Quote from: Cain on January 29, 2017, 09:01:27 PM
Political science shows us that US presidents mostly keep their campaign promises, to something like 75% of the time.

So this was entirely predictable, as I was saying back when people were still giving the "he's just saying that to get elected/but he's a straight talker unlike $hillary" a try.

I never could figure out how the fuck they reconciled "Just lying to get into office" with "But he's not a lying liar like Hillary".

Ovaries

Yeah.  :sad:
"I'm guessing it was January 2007, a meeting in Bethesda, we got a bag of bees and just started smashing them on the desk," Charles Wick said. "It was very complicated."


Cain

Quote from: Mesozoic Mister Nigel on February 01, 2017, 04:51:51 PM
Quote from: Cain on February 01, 2017, 03:50:59 AM
Trump continues to dignify the offices of state by declaring a SUPREME COURT DEATHMATCH

https://www.theatlantic.com/politics/archive/2017/01/trump-scotus-drama/515169/


Then he went and picked Neil Gorsuch

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-us-canada-38813137

Meanwhile, Tillerson basically paid to be made Sec State, according to some explosive claims circulating.  They've not been written up, so no links yet, but Exxon allegedly funneled a significant amount of money to Trump shortly before Tillerson was picked for the role.  Exxon, of course, are losing billions from sanctions on Russia, so...

Gorsuch is hands-down his least vile nominee so far.

Not great -- I mean, the guy is rabidly against death with dignity, as well as having all the generally nasty baggage you can expect from a typical conservative, but he's not the absolute monstrosity  Trump's other picks have been.

Such as, for example, Jerry Falwell Jr, who is leading a Federal task force on Higher Education?

Mesozoic Mister Nigel

Quote from: Cain on February 01, 2017, 06:27:49 PM
Quote from: Mesozoic Mister Nigel on February 01, 2017, 04:51:51 PM
Quote from: Cain on February 01, 2017, 03:50:59 AM
Trump continues to dignify the offices of state by declaring a SUPREME COURT DEATHMATCH

https://www.theatlantic.com/politics/archive/2017/01/trump-scotus-drama/515169/


Then he went and picked Neil Gorsuch

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-us-canada-38813137

Meanwhile, Tillerson basically paid to be made Sec State, according to some explosive claims circulating.  They've not been written up, so no links yet, but Exxon allegedly funneled a significant amount of money to Trump shortly before Tillerson was picked for the role.  Exxon, of course, are losing billions from sanctions on Russia, so...

Gorsuch is hands-down his least vile nominee so far.

Not great -- I mean, the guy is rabidly against death with dignity, as well as having all the generally nasty baggage you can expect from a typical conservative, but he's not the absolute monstrosity  Trump's other picks have been.

Such as, for example, Jerry Falwell Jr, who is leading a Federal task force on Higher Education?

Yeah, there are not enough facepalms in the cosmos for that shit.
"I'm guessing it was January 2007, a meeting in Bethesda, we got a bag of bees and just started smashing them on the desk," Charles Wick said. "It was very complicated."


Junkenstein

Quote from: Mesozoic Mister Nigel on February 01, 2017, 04:51:51 PM
Quote from: Cain on February 01, 2017, 03:50:59 AM
Trump continues to dignify the offices of state by declaring a SUPREME COURT DEATHMATCH

https://www.theatlantic.com/politics/archive/2017/01/trump-scotus-drama/515169/


Then he went and picked Neil Gorsuch

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-us-canada-38813137

Meanwhile, Tillerson basically paid to be made Sec State, according to some explosive claims circulating.  They've not been written up, so no links yet, but Exxon allegedly funneled a significant amount of money to Trump shortly before Tillerson was picked for the role.  Exxon, of course, are losing billions from sanctions on Russia, so...

Gorsuch is hands-down his least vile nominee so far.

Not great -- I mean, the guy is rabidly against death with dignity, as well as having all the generally nasty baggage you can expect from a typical conservative, but he's not the absolute monstrosity  Trump's other picks have been.

Consider why.

If the democrats block it, they're gaining little having already let some shitshows in.

Also, the next suggestion to replace it will be overtly worse and railroaded through while the attention is on the latest fuckup.

The only sound move democrats can make now is the "just obstruct everything, always" and they've already shied away from that. Further concessions are inevitable and going to end up in crap deals.
Nine naked Men just walking down the road will cause a heap of trouble for all concerned.

Bruno

Formerly something else...

Faust

Burning bridges with Australia, for no reason whatsoever, it worries me the amount of damage that can be done before 2020.
Sleepless nights at the chateau

00.dusk

Quote from: Faust on February 02, 2017, 01:27:41 PM
Burning bridges with Australia, for no reason whatsoever, it worries me the amount of damage that can be done before 2020.

To say nothing of outright threatening to send armed troops to Mexico without declaring war or even having cause to go to war according to traditional international law.

I'm sure Trump has "alternative international law" on his side though.