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Started by Faust, December 26, 2016, 10:27:24 AM

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Bathtub Jim

Quote from: East Coast Hustle on February 09, 2017, 08:49:25 AM
There's no actual joint custody in WA, they have you do a "parenting plan" that the court signs off on and even though you are both legally custodial parents the state designates one parent as the primary and one as the secondary. She'll be the primary by default and the primary can legally move out of state with the child with virtually no legal recourse for me. I will not have that same right. Oregon is MUCH more equitable in such matters.

So from what I know, terms like sole or joint custody don't really mean much, legally. In a lot of states, custody is determined during the divorce proceedings if custody is contested. Generally, before the court decides anything, the parents sit down in a mediation (which costs roughly 100-200/hr, can last 4+ hrs) and hash out a plan. I don't know the laws of Washington, but I really really highly highly highly doubt the state designates one parent as the primary and the other as a secondary. Judge's have to determine the "best interests of the child", and while that differs from state to state, it rarely results in one parent becoming the sole parent except in extraordinary circumstances.
Generally, time is split as equally as possible between the parents because judges generally think its in the best interest of the child to have a close relationship with both parents. From what I know, the majority of states (and none that I know of) allow one parent to just take the child and just move around wherever. There has to be at least notification and discussion and potentially a legal dispute before radical changes like that are allowed to take place.
Opossums have opposable thumbs

Bathtub Jim

[Edit]
I just checked the Washington statutes (THIS IS NOT LEGAL ADVICE) and they don't say anything about primary or secondary parents. The sole determiner is the "best interest of the child", which likely means you'll devise a joint parenting plan with the mother where both of you will feel a little shitty afterward but not totally defeated. Don't freak out man, it's not the 80's anymore where the mother just takes the kid and you get screwed.
Opossums have opposable thumbs

East Coast Hustle

I'll try not to bristle at the implication that I didn't already look into this. My information came from a practitioner of family law, but thanks for your input. The joint parenting plan still carries a designation of primary residential parent and secondary residential parent and even though both are considered legal custodial parents there are some important differences. I've been advised that I should not completely discount the "nuclear option", which would be to rent a room in Oregon for a month, take her there, and preemptively file in Oregon. I'm not inclined to do it, but the fact that an attorney familiar with case law in both states seems to think it's a reasonable option is telling.
Rabid Colostomy Hole Jammer of the Coming Apocalypse™

The Devil is in the details; God is in the nuance.


Some yahoo yelled at me, saying 'GIVE ME LIBERTY OR GIVE ME DEATH', and I thought, "I'm feeling generous today.  Why not BOTH?"

Bathtub Jim

Sorry, I didn't mean to condescend, it's just I study these types of issues, albeit in a different state, and I know they can be strange.
Opossums have opposable thumbs

ñͤͣ̄ͦ̌̑͗͊͛͂͗ ̸̨̨̣̺̼̣̜͙͈͕̮̊̈́̈͂͛̽͊ͭ̓͆ͅé ̰̓̓́ͯ́́͞

It's cool that you've been able to talk with a lawyer about this stuff. I've had to suck it up and not see my children very often because I haven't been able to afford one.

Instead I've been channeling my rage into learning software engineering and web technologies. Within a few years I'm going to have full custody of both kids and their mothers are going to suddenly know how I've felt for years.

I'm going to continue to try the diplomatic route so there will be a long email trail of evidence when I finally can afford to bring the motherfuckin ruckus. Best of luck man. I really hope things work out better for you than they did for me.
P E R   A S P E R A   A D   A S T R A

hooplala

That's fucking brutal ECH, I'm really sorry to hear it.
"Soon all of us will have special names" — Professor Brian O'Blivion

"Now's not the time to get silly, so wear your big boots and jump on the garbage clowns." — Bob Dylan?

"Do I contradict myself?
Very well then I contradict myself,
(I am large, I contain multitudes.)"
— Walt Whitman

The Good Reverend Roger

Sorry to hear things are going badly, ECH.   :sad:
" It's just that Depeche Mode were a bunch of optimistic loveburgers."
- TGRR, shaming himself forever, 7/8/2017

"Billy, when I say that ethics is our number one priority and safety is also our number one priority, you should take that to mean exactly what I said. Also quality. That's our number one priority as well. Don't look at me that way, you're in the corporate world now and this is how it works."
- TGRR, raising the bar at work.

Don Coyote

I had my first set of blood tests that you start getting as you hit your 30s.
Turns out I am prediabetic and have very low HDL. Mean while, my wife, both whom parents are diabetic, and who drinks way more refined sugar than me, is fucking fine.

East Coast Hustle

Women are made of much sterner stuff than we are.
Rabid Colostomy Hole Jammer of the Coming Apocalypse™

The Devil is in the details; God is in the nuance.


Some yahoo yelled at me, saying 'GIVE ME LIBERTY OR GIVE ME DEATH', and I thought, "I'm feeling generous today.  Why not BOTH?"

East Coast Hustle

Quote from: N E T on February 09, 2017, 10:59:34 PM
It's cool that you've been able to talk with a lawyer about this stuff. I've had to suck it up and not see my children very often because I haven't been able to afford one.

Instead I've been channeling my rage into learning software engineering and web technologies. Within a few years I'm going to have full custody of both kids and their mothers are going to suddenly know how I've felt for years.

I'm going to continue to try the diplomatic route so there will be a long email trail of evidence when I finally can afford to bring the motherfuckin ruckus. Best of luck man. I really hope things work out better for you than they did for me.

I'm fortunate to have a friend in the field, but he's not in my immediate area so the advice is free but that's all I get. I'll have to find a local shyster and pony up some scrill if it comes to that.

Sucks you got boned. Good on you for staying reasonable and taking the care to compile a paper trail.
Rabid Colostomy Hole Jammer of the Coming Apocalypse™

The Devil is in the details; God is in the nuance.


Some yahoo yelled at me, saying 'GIVE ME LIBERTY OR GIVE ME DEATH', and I thought, "I'm feeling generous today.  Why not BOTH?"

Mesozoic Mister Nigel

Quote from: East Coast Hustle on February 09, 2017, 07:17:49 PM
Quote from: Mesozoic Mister Nigel on February 09, 2017, 04:39:19 PM
Quote from: East Coast Hustle on February 09, 2017, 08:49:25 AM
Dpends on your definition of "ultimately", I guess. Some day we'll all be stardust again, so yes.

But in the short term, maybe not so much. I fear I may soon need a custody lawyer, and if you're a father in WA that's not a good spot to be in, legally speaking.

Oh, no. :( I thought WA was a coparenting state like Oregon is. I'm sorry to hear about that.

There's no actual joint custody in WA, they have you do a "parenting plan" that the court signs off on and even though you are both legally custodial parents the state designates one parent as the primary and one as the secondary. She'll be the primary by default and the primary can legally move out of state with the child with virtually no legal recourse for me. I will not have that same right. Oregon is MUCH more equitable in such matters.

That is incredibly lame.
"I'm guessing it was January 2007, a meeting in Bethesda, we got a bag of bees and just started smashing them on the desk," Charles Wick said. "It was very complicated."


Mesozoic Mister Nigel

Quote from: East Coast Hustle on February 09, 2017, 07:44:22 PM
Also, if it goes to court the state will sue me for child support by default because baby girl is on state health care. I'm perfectly willing to spend every last penny I have on my child but I don't at all like the idea of being required to just cut a check with no say as to how it's spent. I understand there are plenty of shitheads out there for whom such requirements are necessary for the child's well being. I am not one of them, and though her mom is a great mother, she doesn't always have long-term big picture stuff in focus as well as I do. If the state gets involved they won't, for example, allow some of my child support to be put into an interest-bearing account for the purpose of being maybe able to afford a few years of Montessori school at the start of her educational career.

That's because child support is for day-to-day living expenses, not future savings. If you want your kid to have an educational fund, that's separate.

The thing that's pretty stupid about the idea that the non-custodial parent should have "a say" in where their child support is spent is that it ignores the fact that the custodial parent spends their money on living expenses either way. You get that, right?
"I'm guessing it was January 2007, a meeting in Bethesda, we got a bag of bees and just started smashing them on the desk," Charles Wick said. "It was very complicated."


East Coast Hustle

I do, but the reality is that no matter what I'll be the one spending nearly 100% of the money on the kid's day-to-day living expenses even if she's only with me 3 days of the week. And I've been completely financially supporting her and babymamma since she was born. Got no problem with that. But I shouldn't have to pay for rent and bills of someone who's decided to voluntarily break up a family unit and put themselves in a financially precarious position. If she can't keep a roof over her own head she's always welcome in my home, but I'm more than willing to have full custody of the kid so fuck equating her questionable choices with my child's necessities. Basically, I'm willing to spend every last penny supporting that kid but I'm not trying to have the state tell me to cut a monthly check for babymamma support.

I get why the system is set up the way it is, but there's no reason it can't be flexible enough to recognize the difference between me and some deadbeat shitweasel.
Rabid Colostomy Hole Jammer of the Coming Apocalypse™

The Devil is in the details; God is in the nuance.


Some yahoo yelled at me, saying 'GIVE ME LIBERTY OR GIVE ME DEATH', and I thought, "I'm feeling generous today.  Why not BOTH?"

The Good Reverend Roger

Quote from: Don Coyote on February 10, 2017, 03:35:35 PM
I had my first set of blood tests that you start getting as you hit your 30s.
Turns out I am prediabetic and have very low HDL. Mean while, my wife, both whom parents are diabetic, and who drinks way more refined sugar than me, is fucking fine.

On the plus side, I've lost 16 pounds since January 14th, just by following the rules.

The rules being "stuff that you do to keep from having to go full potato and inject insulin."
" It's just that Depeche Mode were a bunch of optimistic loveburgers."
- TGRR, shaming himself forever, 7/8/2017

"Billy, when I say that ethics is our number one priority and safety is also our number one priority, you should take that to mean exactly what I said. Also quality. That's our number one priority as well. Don't look at me that way, you're in the corporate world now and this is how it works."
- TGRR, raising the bar at work.

Mesozoic Mister Nigel

No matter what people's principles are when they come to other people, everybody makes exceptions for themselves. Everybody believes that they are, and deserve to be, treated like the exception.
"I'm guessing it was January 2007, a meeting in Bethesda, we got a bag of bees and just started smashing them on the desk," Charles Wick said. "It was very complicated."