Never thought i'd make a 2nd one of these, but then i also never thought i would ever feel any semblance of happiness in my life.
Time is weird. The past ten years have been, a wild ride of sorts. They left me bitter for a while, left me with scars that will never go away. I have seen shit, done shit. And most of all, i was trying to figure out what the fuck i was doing, and who the fuck i was. Looking back, i can see all the signs - but i didn't know what to look for back then. It was time well spent, but also time lost. For i was never myself, could never be.
So two years ago i just came out - to myself, to the world - and i was dropped like a hot potato by friends and family alike.
But i have no regrets. The years of zen & discordia, and being exposed to the best and worst of humanity; it all had given me the tools to survive frankentran mode for the first couple months. When i learnt the health care system doesn't really care much and would have me wait another year or two, i went to biohack this body on my own. My body my rules right? Things became clear once the brain soup was *right* - at last.
And after a while, i finally felt free, and like i was arriving somewhere. Just had to relearn everything. The hate didn't stop though. it got worse the more i began to think i can just live my life. But i refuse to play nice and just hide away.
Society tells you to "just be yourself" but then turns on a dime with a "oh but not like that" when you do it in a way that it doesn't approve of... fucking regressives everywhere. In hindsight, i should have known. But some things one never knows until one has experienced it.
2020? This fucking year... where to even start?
I guess i became (at least for now) some sort of lefty zenarchist trans-more-or-les-bian and most of my time i wonder how i can deconstruct heteronormative bullshit and create a safer world for the generation to come - or i desperately try to find some cute female clothes which are not fitted for perfectly slim and petite fuckdolls.
Whatever is going to happen - for once i feel like, at least it is gonna be *me* dealing with all of it. And so i figured, i might as well come back here, where the journey to self began a long time ago...
/taking it, one day at a time
~Ari
and how did TGGR always put it? "or kill me"
