Principia Discordia > Apple Talk

The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)

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Junkenstein:
Yesterday at work:

New hire starts. This is normal. He's a bit off. This is also normal. This place is home to ruffians, derelicts, the damaged and derranged. Those who do not belong realise quite quickly. It takes others some time.

New Guy's opening gambit: I love politics, but no one ever wants to talk about it.
Me: Well. That's unusual. I too, love politics and have no one to talk about it with. So, starter for ten, where are you on the scale then? Because I'm somewhere left of Chairman Mao.
He:Oh, err, I'm more the other way. Lefties don't get things done.
Me:There are holes where mountains used to be thanks to Mao. There's also a fantastic lefty invention and concept that got loads done. Ever heard of Equality in execution? Guillotine?
He:What?
Me: How do you feel about the idea of a maximum wage instead of a minimum one?
He:Bad?
Me:Consider the job you are here to do and consider what you are being paid. There is no progression here. There is no chance of advancement, training, success or anything positive. Would it not be nice to be paid a litte better?
He: Yes, but that won't happen.
Me:NOT WITH THAT ATTITUDE COMRADE. RAISE THE RED FLAG.
He:What?
The angry Kurd: YOU WON'T GET ME I'M PART OF THE UNION
Me: PART OF THE UNION
He: Till the day I , wait what?
Me: He's joking, no one here is. It's more sort of a warring gangs culture.

Doktor Howl:
 :lulz:

Doktor Howl:
So today I got word that the chances of the house funding our work for this year are somewhere between Kanye West winning a Nobel Prize and McCarthy winning the speakership.

We were rather politely informed that we should probably start tidying up loose ends and removing personal objects from our desks.  Even Sideways Dave.  Especially Sideways Dave.  We are not fools, however, and we saw this coming.  I've managed to secure a position for us with an unsavory defense contractor who shall not be named, and the best part is, we're doing the same exact work.

Everyone is on board, except perhaps Tina, who has been approached by the Federal Marshal's Service.  Dave and I told her to do what she thinks is best.  Obviously, losing her from the working team would hurt, but it also never hurts to have a friend in the federal police when you do what we do.  She has told me she will give me an answer on Monday. 

So, bad news:  No job.

Good news:  New job, more money, same team, less oversight.

Faust:
like the saying goes, a cat always lands armed to the teeth with experimental explosive ordinance

Doktor Howl:
First project for the new bosses.

Fucking MISSOURI, of all places.  There's this subcontracted factory there, which is supposed to make <widget> that is a critical part of <shiny new war crime>, only they aren't making very many, and half of what they DO make doesn't function properly.  Needless to say, this has left our new bosses concerned, because Goddamn, they love their <shiny new war crime>.

Turns out, subcontractor bought the factory to get the contract, and they got taken for a ride.  The plant's power is shit, their distribution is shit, their machine tooling is shit, and everyone is underpaid.

Now, does anyone else see the fatal flaw in underpaying people who make ultra-modern weaponry? 

So we spent Monday and Tuesday wandering around and taking notes.  Wednesday, we met with the owners.

Me:  "As much as it pains me to say so, I feel that you guys should be given a second chance.  A clean slate."

Owners/Sr Mgt:  *Look relieved. One even smiles*.

Me: "BUT."

SD:  *GRIN*

Me: "There are going to be some changes.  Rather drastic changes."

Owners/Sr Mgt: *alarmed look*

Me:  *details long list of upgrades to plant and equipment*

Owners:  *rage begins to grow*

Me:  *Details minimum compensation for employees*

Owners:  *Rage intensifies*

Me:  "Don't look at me like that.  You haven't earned the right to do so, and your ideas on sustainable profitability cause me to seriously question your status of 'bipeds'.  By which I mean your ideas are foolish and wrong.  Your employee turnover is bad for profitability and bad for plant security.  That's not good for anyone.  Anyway, the good news is, I figure the required changes are going to set you back about $16 Mn this year.  Stacked up against what you will make, that is fairly small potatoes."

Owner #2:  *starts to choke on coffee*

Billy:  "That's an alarming shade of purple, dude."

Tina:  "Just think of it as cutting the fat, Billy."

SD:  *GRIN*

Me: "Oh, and two members of my team will be remaining local for the rest of the year, just to keep you on the straight and narrow.  Billy and Norton have volunteered."

Norton:  "The fuck I did."

Me:  "Don't be stupid.  I asked your wives.  You get to live rent free for a year, you get to bring your families with, and you can just pile up cash while you handle *gestures vaguely at owners and sr mgt* these."

Billy:  "I'm down."

Owner #2:  "I don't have to take this shit."

Me:  "You are correct.  You don't.  You could in fact get yourself into a breach of contract with the big boys.  You're not hustling US Electric Boats anymore, or some hapless beltway bandit.  Now, I don't know if you know <corporation> very well, but I do.  They have a whole cube farm full of lawyers that are disappointed with their lives.  So, you have two choices.  You can either make money like Goddamn pharaohs, or you can be all butthurt and get sued until you wither up like George Burns.  You have to decide."

Owner #2:  "FUCK YOU JACK YOU DON'T..."

Owner #1:  *puts hand over #2's mouth.  "We accept."

Me:  "Then I guess our business here today is done."

Owner #2:  *glares*

Me:  "We're going to do great things to people, owner thing."

 

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