The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)

[Doktor Howl]

Literally talking about the elephant in the room. I dig it.

I have instructed my staff to ignore it.

[Q. G. Pennyworth]

I am intensely interested to know whose job it is to deal with the elephant shit.

[Doktor Howl]

I am intensely interested to know whose job it is to deal with the elephant shit.

That I can answer right now:  faithless, treacherous maintenance weasels.

[Bruno]

Have you interviewed the elephant?

[Doktor Howl]

Have you interviewed the elephant?

What?

[Doktor Howl]

Sad news:  I just received word that the judge handling the emergency injunctions has stated that the happy couple will have to live without an 11,000 pound mayhem/death beast at their wedding.  In fact, he seemed to be really excited by the very notion that he was asked.  Harsh language may have been involved.



Pour a little out, homies.

[Bruno]

Have you interviewed the elephant?

What?

Yeah, I dunno. I was kinda buzzed when I typed that.


Something about how the elephant felt about the project


or

[Doktor Howl]

At work today, giving a talk to the (lol) "energy task force" about the utility bills.  It is worth mentioning that Ron the Dumbass has never dealt with commercial or industrial utilities.

Me:  "So demand is the highest use of power in any 15 minute period, and on-peak charges are based on the highest momentary use of power during peak hours."

Ron the Dumbass:  "No, that's wrong.  There's no momentary charge."

Me:  "But there is.  I have been doing this for many years and the charge is in fact momentary."

Ron:  "You don't know what you're talking about."

Me:  "Okay"  *sits down*

Boss:  "Ron, shut up.  Roger, continue."

Me:  "I was actually done anyway."

State representative via skype:  "So, how come this one peak charge is higher than the daily demand?"

Me:  "Well, I'd say because you only need a half second to establish a peak, but you need 15 minutes to establish a demand, but Ron informs me that this is incorrect, so I'm going to say that the specially-trained monkeys that enter the data at the electric company are all messed up on crack and entering gibberish."

Boss:  "You don't have to be a smartass."

Me:  "Apparently I do."

Ron:  "What's wrong with you?"

Me:  "You are, Ron.  You make me hate data analysis, which is the only thing in the world that I love that loves me back."

State representative:  "Someone shut Ron up while there's still a task force."

And that is how you handle Dunning Krueger in an engineer.  You feed them to state level politicians.

[Doktor Howl]

Me:  "Billy, you should come over at lunch.  Our main restaurant is sinking."

Billy:  "What?"

Me:  "The ground is subsiding underneath the Northwest corner.  All the windows are warping."

Billy:  "Wow.  How fast is it sinking?"

Me:  "Like an inch in the last 24 hours."

Billy:  "I'll pass."

Me:  "Why?  All the deer outside look like they're standing crooked."

Billy:  "I'm not literally dying for chicken cordon bleu."

Me:  "Buck up, Billy.  You're forgetting something."

Billy:  "What am I forgetting?"

Me:  "You are sitting next to  a tank with 250,000 gallons of shit in it that is directly downhill from what is clearly a moving groundwater issue."

Billy:  "Um."

Me:  "Drown in shit or watch crooked deer while you eat Chef's chicken cordon bleu.  You decide."

Billy:  "What's the side today?"

[minuspace]

What's the side today?

On a deep, prelinguistic, and positively indeterminate level, Billy was shielding himself from the "moving groundwater issue."

[Edit. And then water starts gushing into the street below me right after I wrote that (not even kidding.) and a huge tree collapsed into the same, closing a lane two houses down. That's what Zi get for crossing streams)

[Doktor Howl]

Pre-exploded pig, ~ 20 minutes before The Incident.

[Capeditiea]

:O wait, Billy returned to the work place?

[Doktor Howl]

:O wait, Billy returned to the work place?

No, Billy is a bad person and does bad things, but he hasn't yet detonated a pig.

[Capeditiea]

:O wait, Billy returned to the work place?

No, Billy is a bad person and does bad things, but he hasn't yet detonated a pig.

He needs to step his game up. Also when he does record it. that would be an interesting video.

The best option to have him return, discordian water torture(FOSS). (for a lack of a better name.) *nods,

here are the steps.
1. get the equipment needed. (sponge, a chair, some black nylon rope, a cat, Billy.)
2. tie Billy to the chair.
3. wet the sponge with some water.
4. every 23 minutes drip a drop on the cat, who was strategically placed around Billy.
5. find the cat.

then repeat steps 4 and 5 until Billy succumbs to your every demand.

to intensify this, you may wear leather.

[Doktor Howl]

Watching it rain inside the kitchen.  It's not raining outside.

Kevin:  "I told you this would happen.  This area is too small for a ten ton air conditioner."

Me:  "I'm aware.  I know that and you know that, but the retired engineer on the energy task force thought this was a good idea."

Kevin:  "Did he ever do any refrigeration work?"

Me:  "Nope.  Electronics."

Kevin:  "So how is he qualified to do this?"

Me:  "Because he is an engineer and we are lowly tradesmen.  To admit that we have skills he might not have is to say that he isn't a living God and maybe even that we are capable of walking upright."

Kevin:  "Is he really that arrogant?"

Me:  "Engineer."

Kevin:  "We can still fix this. We can put the 10 ton on a secondary thermostat so it doesn't short-cycle."

Me:  "No, Billy, this looks like an engineering problem."

Kevin:  "Stop calling me Billy.  And this is totally fixable."

Me:  "But we aren't going to fix it, at least until he has rolled in his own poop for a while.  Engineers can't learn without pain and humiliation."

Kevin:  "You talk like they're not actual people."

Me:  "Do actual people make it rain in a commercial kitchen in a monumental fit of hubris and incompetence?"

Kevin:  "No, okay.  But we should fix this."

Me:  This is all normal, Billy."

Kevin:  "Goddammit.  Stop calling me Billy."