The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)

[Doktor Howl]

So one of my janitorial crew members is apparently Billy's long-lost twin brother.

*standing by the water treatment plant*

Nick:  "So you guys know about this sort of thing?"

Me:  "Yup."

Nick:  "What's it like in there?"

Billy:  "Unadulterated horror."

Nick:  "What?"

Me:  "It's basically world war I in there.  Non-stop chemical warfare, only the Huns are microbes."

Billy:  "Genocide every day.  If things go right."

Nick:  "But they're just germs."

Billy:  "'Just germs, he says."

Me:  "You need to see the sewage treatment plant on the South end.  It's the other way around there...By which I mean, you spend all day trying to keep germs alive."

Nick:  "Why?"

Billy:  "What do you think eats the poop?"

Nick:  "I never thought about it, really."

Me:  "Imagine a few billion workers, furiously eating shit all day, while trying not to drown."

Nick:  "So, like my life."

Nick gets it.  Nick is not going to be a janitor for long.  No, Billy and I see big things ahead for him, and I think maybe he needs to get moved into the water management side of things.

[Don Coyote]

I found this looking for almost this, and...the universe scares me

[The Wizard Joseph]

I found this looking for almost this, and...the universe scares me

  

[Doktor Howl]

Things I said at work today:

"The next person I catch standing on the top of a self-supporting ladder gets to clean out the spa."

"Boss, Billy and Nick are freaking me out.  They've been working together all day and I can't catch them fucking off.  This isn't natural.  And now I have to fuck off all by myself."

"If being a director means I can't dance to Abba with the HR lady, then what's the POINT?"

[Doktor Howl]

*Billy & Nick, outside of my office*

Billy:  "Look at that.  He's eerily life-like."

Nick:  "I keep expecting him to move or something."

Me:  "UM, I'M SITTING RIGHT HERE, ARSE BISCUITS."

Nick:  "IT TALKS!"

Me:  "It also hands out assignments.  Like who's gonna go unstop the men's room toilet next to the main gym."

I looked up at this point, but they were gone, like a fart in the night.

[Doktor Howl]

As of today, Nick is now maintenance instead of a custodian.

Me: ..."And this comes with a $4/hour increase."

Nick: "NICE.  When does my raise become effective?"

Me:  "When you do."

Nick:  "..."

Me:  "It's like you're moving in slow motion."

[Doktor Howl]

So, replacing Nick after a promotion is a thing.  Poached on the kitchens, stole their part-timer dishwasher.

Me:  "And this isn't a done deal, Chris.  Yes, it's a raise, it's full time, and you get benefits for the first time in your life, but it's also more work.  And you will work, or out you go.  You have two options, here:  You can fail and go back to the kitchens, or you can shake your ass like your momma taught you and get things done.  If you do that, eventually you will move up to better things.  The custodial manager is a merciless tyrant, and he is frankly opposed to all of this, so know in advance that it's going to be an uphill battle. So, that being said, do you still want this?"

Chris:  "Yes."

Me:  "Good.  We're going to do great things."

Chris:  "As a janitor?"

Me:  "Stack that up next to three and a half years of washing dishes 20 hours/week.  If you want a career in the trades, it's a long hard slog.  This is because you are young and those of us who make decisions are old, and we hate you for your youth.  I mean, really, I could just stick you straight into an apprenticeship and you'd do fine, but that isn't how these things work.  You don't have enough bile yet, and you wouldn't appreciate things properly."

Chris:  "Wow.  Billy and Nick weren't kidding.  You're nuts."

Me:  "That is an illusion caused by the fact that you are on THAT side of the desk and I am on THIS side of the desk.  However, I admire your courage in saying so, so we'll just start you off cleaning the locker rooms for the gyms."

Chris:  "Fuck."

Me:  "Consider this your first lesson:  Speaking truth to power is often painful, and solves nothing at all.  Now, it's time to go to work."

[Bruno]

So who would have cleaned the locker rooms if he had kept his mouth shut?

[Doktor Howl]

So who would have cleaned the locker rooms if he had kept his mouth shut?

I apply the Cain rule in that case.

[Doktor Howl]

Things I said at work today:

"When you're talking about OSHA, the difference between 'should' and 'shall' is the difference between 'my bad' and '6 years in prison.'

"Go home, boss.  One hour of well-rested work is worth 8 hours of fatigued work.  Why do I even have to say this?  Turn off your computer and go home.  All of this horrormirth will still be here tomorrow."

"Billy, the best way to deal with a troublesome employee is to promote him or her.  The person will either rocket past your expectations or else explode spectacularly in the breakdown lane, and it turns out I win either way."

"So as I understand the story, God tossed humans out of Eden, and the humans said, 'Well, fuck, we'll just make our OWN Eden' and the following 10,000 years has been the resulting attempt to mimic magic with technology.  Now, I personally don't buy into the idea of a higher being, but plenty of people do, and we have to understand the way they think and even pretend to respect their beliefs.  I mean, if they're in a position to give us grief.  And let me tell you, the theists around us are indeed in a position to make our professional lives a series of tragic misunderstandings.  So we're all gonna smile and nod and make appropriate noises when the good citizens of our town tell us about how Jesus feels about the border wall."

[Nephew Twiddleton]

 

[POFP]

  This thread is fucking glorious.

[Doktor Howl]

Billy:  "It's so weird seeing you in a suit."

Me:  "I know.  I already feel more evil."

Billy:  "Have you memorized the Glengarry Ross monologue yet?"

[ReverendJesus]

Billy:  "Have you memorized the Glengarry Ross monologue yet?"

Well...have you?

[Doktor Howl]

Billy:  "Have you memorized the Glengarry Ross monologue yet?"

Well...have you?

Yes, but only as a guide on how NOT to run a business.